Too Fast!!!

I cannot believe that Christmas is two days away!! No! Stop! I want it to be at least three more weeks until it comes. It's so much fun, and I just don't want it to end come Tuesday. I think it's hard to believe that it's so close because the weather has been so nice and I haven't been sequestered inside. We've been outside and at the park almost every day this month. We haven't had to slow down and just BE.

I love what I feel at Christmas. It's a flood of memories for me, and it just reminds me of pure love and warmth from my family. We traveled South to visit with family- driving all night. My sister and I would lie down in the station wagon and play games with the lights that tie dyed the roof. And giggle! We laughed so much at everything- probably from being overtired, and when we were done, we laughed at our own laughter. You know how you mock yourselves and laugh even harder that you end up crying? When that station wagon was no more, we went in my aunt's Cadillac. We went in a VW bug! Mom just wanted to go and got there however she could.

Christmas wasn't about gifts for me as much as traveling, being with family, and of course, food! When there wasn't food, we were blessed with others bringing us boxes of it. "Garbanzo beans? What are these, Mom?" She replied, "Wow! You will love them! We can try something new with them." I felt excited just looking in those boxes and bags and thinking about the new creations we'd enjoy. It felt like those boxes just kept coming in the door. I remember thinking, "MORE?" Now when I clean out the pantry to donate food, I usually go for those random cans I've had sitting for months. They are those garbanzo beans... chili...or whatever random cans of food I bought thinking "I may need these at SOME point." I wonder who will receive them and if they will feel the joy I once felt?

Before a trip in 6th grade down to Alabama, we opened gifts before leaving. I loved everything I opened and never once thought I wanted more. Looking back, it wasn't much, and it may have all been found in the toy aisle at the grocery store. My Mom was working three jobs, and I'm sure that didn't leave much time to shop. It wasn't until high school- maybe sophomore year- that I ever felt like I wanted more. I think then it was because opening gifts that morning went so fast and most were clothes. I distinctly only remember THAT particular year feeling like I wanted something more. It was short lived, as I just went next door to Jackie's and played with the surplus she received.

I feel like I have to defend my love of Christmas sometimes. I understand it's "commercialized" in many ways, but I guess for me it's so fulfilling that I don't see it. Do I notice the grandiose displays? Yes, absolutely. Do I look at them and feel repulsed? Certainly not! I feel warm, fuzzy, and glad for the celebration! I feel like sitting down in the mall beside the tree and just embracing that desire to be a kid again. I get giddy on the day we decorate and put up the tree. One year, it was on Nov. 1st, but on this year, it was Nov. 12th. :) Because Russ hates being a part of the process but loves the product, we put it up on a day off from school. Then, it wouldn't take away from weekend family time or interrupt a vacation day of his. So, we've had the tree up and on everyday since. I can't get enough of it!

Though I will admit that I felt a little busier this year, I think it's mostly because of wanting to be in school with my kids as much as offered and also being with my friends every moment I can! Because of that underlying family love that winds through what Christmas is for me, I want to be with the new "family" I have here as much as possible. I want to share and be surrounded by people who love me as much as possible. I do not share that yearning for travel to be with family like my Momma had. I would LOVE to have my family here, but I don't want to sacrifice being in my own home on Christmas. When the kids are older and their opinions are taken into account in that matter, I may change my mind. Until then, I'll not offer that option to them! I want to wake up, open gifts, and play in pj's until bedtime! That's what's fun for me, and I think it's fun for the kids, too!

Regarding gifts on Christmas, well, I LOVE TO GIVE! I love to give of myself, my time (on my terms), and gifts. However, I do NOT like to receive gifts. It makes me feel uncomfortable most of the time. I was given so much early in my life that I love now that I am in a position to give to someone else. It was last year that I learned to allow others to help ME and give of themselves. Not until a friend made me look at it from a different perspective and said, "You are denying them their opportunity to feel good." I have since been working on being better at receiving, though it's still difficult. Our tree has presents already spilling out from underneath, and Santa hasn't even come. That's the result of living away from family. I think it adds to the excitement for the kids! Every few days, there's another package added. What are they thinking? I actually just asked Anthony, and he said, "WOW!" "Well, I feel really lucky, and it makes me sad for the Dalit Children. It makes me feel like we're really lucky to have so many presents." So, this answer makes me feel good about what I'm teaching them! We give our toys to our neighbor who has twins, and my boys LOVE to go to their house and watch them play with the toys we gave them. We also will periodically (every few months) go through their rooms and playroom and purge the toys. What we don't give to our neighbor or friends, we give to charity. The boys actively participate in the whole process and always get excited about giving stuff away. I think that maybe next week when we're finding a place for the new toys that I'll start the tradition of purging and giving away that week after Christmas. I just don't want my kids to feel like what they have or don't have ever defines who they are; I guess so far their OK in that manner. I'll broach that again when I see a problem.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling now. My fingers are getting cold and that makes it difficult to type! Plus, I want to snuggle with the kids and watch Scooby Doo, so I'm a bit distracted. I just love Christmas. Of course, I am very aware and thoughtful about what it really means and is all about. Maybe I take it for granted that it may not be the norm to do so. To me, it's a no brainer.

Thanking the LORD

Let's recount...
Russ was gone two weeks in PA and Asia. After coming home, he worked until after 7 or 8 each night last week. By the time this weekend came around, I had been independent and running everything for three weeks. He had become an annoyance and definitely didn't do things how I wanted him to do them. Thus, I grew a bitter heart. I was critical of everything. We had a great time Saturday night, but I never really shook the resentment I had held onto.
So, Sunday while I stood in church, I started praying to God and confessing this sin of heart. I pleaded with him to "Create in me a clean heart, oh God." (Ps 51:10) I honestly just felt lighter. I felt like I nailed it and my burden was immediately taken away. But, it really wasn't... I had held on to a part of it.

That afternoon, I did my bible study and came downstairs to the boys having computer time and Daddy on the couch with his ever present laptop. (sigh) I snapped at him, told the boys to get off the computer (even though they were having fun), and brought everyone in the kitchen to make some gingerbread men cookies!! They had a ball, Anthony even helped me make dinner while Chas was doing his part of the cookies, and we were all happy. After dinner, Russ took the boys upstairs to play, and I stayed down to clean up. As I was cleaning, "Your love is extravagant" by Casting Crowns started playing. I immediately was overwhelmed with sadness at how I hadn't really trashed the dirty feelings, and I started to cry. Now, I don't cry often. In all honesty, I am pretty much happy most of the time, and if I'm sad, I don't have time to cry! :) So, it all came pouring out while I wiped the counters, the table, cleaned the stainless steel, etc. I even had to restart the song as I just needed to keep hearing those words. But, before I restarted the song, I almost stopped crying and continued to wipe down the trash can! I heard God ask me what I was doing. I replied, "I know! I don't know why!" So, I stayed in my crouched position sitting on the kitchen floor crying until I felt like it was all out.

While I had this moment, there was a lot of talking between God and me. It was back and forth. I think it wasn't just sadness that drained from me, but overwhelming joy that I was having this moment with him. It was awesome.

Starks had come downstairs to see me and asked why I was crying. He was the only one who saw me or knew about it. And he didn't tell anyone else. When I was done, I knew that I felt like Thanking God for his rescuing my heart and talking me through. I decided to fast.

I LOVE FOOD! I ALWAYS get irritable, shaky, headaches, or just feel plain nasty when I don't eat frequently enough. So, I eat frequently. I eat man sized portions! I rarely even go a day without dessert of some kind. I love it. I think the only reason I exercise sometimes is to support my eating habits! :) Anyway, since I had never really fasted, I asked a friend to do it with me. I prayed about it from Sunday on, and I asked my prayer partner to pray for me, too. My husband, my sons, my prayer partner, and Teresa (who was doing it with me) were the only people who knew about it.

Monday was a day off from school for the boys, so we headed to SF Zoo with friends (four other families). It was gorgeous weather, loads of fun, and just a great day. I had pictured my day before fasting as making sure I ate enough for two days! :) However, it didn't really go that way at all! I ate a big bowl of granola and berries for breakfast, 3/4 of a pbj & some goldfish crackers at lunch, two cubes of sweet potatoes (they jumped from the dish, and I saved them), and five bites of pork tenderloin. I made dinner for a friend, so I had to try out the meat before taking it to her... five times. Anyway, after dropping off the meal, I stopped at T's to say "Hello" before heading home. I have NO idea WHAT I was thinking. I never stop in at a friend's house; I stay for a while. Well, I came out to get in the van, and the sun was down. No dinner for me.

We came home, and I made dinner for everyone else. Russ got home at 7:00, and after putting the boys to bed, I took a bath to focus on what was ahead. He went downstairs to sit in front of the TV. When I joined him at 8:15, he was already asleep! What a blessing because I was feeling mighty tired, too! I went to bed around 9, and I slept so well. When I awoke, I felt great. In fact, I felt awesome the entire day!?!?!? I actually could not stop smiling, I felt like I was radiating, and I was so peaceful inside. Strange. I had maybe two times of feeling for a second a hunger pang- when I smelled the dinner in the crockpot on our arrival home and one time in Leader's, but I think that was the way I was sitting all bent over. I never was shaky. I wasn't lightheaded. I wasn't weak.

I WAS, however, obsessed with realizing how great I felt. I had told God that for every time I thought about food I would thank him for something. I did A LOT of thanking today! And I loved it! I loved talking to him 24/7. I loved praying when I felt hungry or like I was obsessing about something or doubting. I honestly was not even hungry when dinnertime came around. I ate because I felt like I should. I laugh sitting here now because there was no drama!!! It was easy. Why? Because God made it that way. Because he helped me (and I actually asked) and stayed near me all day. Because for once in my life I did a pretty good job making it all about Him. I almost felt like when I did start eating that I lost a part of that feeling. The feeling of closeness. It definitely encourages me to do it again. THANK YOU, LORD!!!!
Your Love is Extravagant!

BILLY JOEL!!!!

Wow! Russ and I went to see Billy Joel last night at the Oracle Coliseum in Oakland. What an awesome show. It was a bit humorous walking in and noticing the crowd. Oh how things have changed! First of all, the majority of the heads showed at least SOME gray. Then, I saw many people walking with big water cups in their hands instead of beer (myself included). It was just not what I saw when I was younger. I've seen U2, Metallica, Alice in Chains, Van Halen, Jimmy Buffet, Paul McCartney, Guns N Roses, Aerosmith, Rush, REM, Hootie & The Blowfish, Bush, No Doubt, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Indigo Girls, Heart, George Clinton and the P Funk Allstars, lots of college bands, and of course, Sesame Street Live. :) (My first concert was Tears for Fears in 7th grade.) But, when Billy Joel came to town I was either not there, the show sold out immediately, or I didn't have enough money! Billy Joel is one of those artists that I have always really enjoyed and have always wanted to see live. I had a 45 of "Just the Way You Are" at age 5 that I played constantly.

Anyway, it was great. Even though we were WAY up there in the 200 section and sat the entire concert, it totally rocked! The show started with the piano rising up through the stage and him playing "Angry Young Man." The rest of the show is as follows:
2) My Life
3) Everybody Loves You Now
4) The Entertainer
5) Downeaster Alexa
6) Allentown
7) Zanzibar (52nd Street)
8) New York State of Mind
9) Root Beer Rap? Raft?
10) Movin' Out
11) Innocent Man
12) Don't Ask Me Why
13) She's Always a Woman
14) Keepin' the Faith
15) River of Dreams
16) Highway to Hell - AC/DC, sung by one of his long-time roadies
named Chainsaw - funny. "If you don't like it, you can boo him right
the hell off the stage" - Billy Joel
17) We Didn't Start the Fire
18) Big Shot
19) It's Still Rock n Roll to Me
20) You May be Right

ENCORE
21) Scenes from an Italian Restaurant
22) Only the Good Die Young
23) I Left My Heart in San Francisco
24) Piano Man

My goodness his music, total engagement of the crowd, energy level, and humor were captivating. The best thing was that I got to see it with Russ!

So, we had a wonderful evening! Now, I've just got to make a playlist on my ipod with all of these songs. :)

My Exodus from myself

So, we're studying Exodus this year in Bible Study. When I read the book this summer, I had no idea how it would relate to and help me. It just didn't seem too interesting or applicable- as contrasted to Revelation last year! However, as I'm studying more and more, I'm realizing I needed this study at this time. I have felt like each study of chapters has applied specifically and firmly to my life that week. I felt like Moses calling out in frustration about doing what the Lord had told him yet not getting the results he wanted and not right THEN. I needed that week's message of God's timing and my patience. I could go on for each week how I got an application, but it really struck me this week how most of us in my group all needed these particular chapters on God's provision, keeping His plan and not our own, fighting the enemy, the Lord hears us cry out, etc. We were all struggling in some capacity with those things in our lives this week.
I had mentioned to Russ how long and deep this 10 page study was for the week, and I mentioned one of the questions asked of us. "Where and how are you tempted to compromise in your obedience to God?" Russ replied, "How many pages do you have?" I loved that! How true it is. I just so want things MY way and want to do what I want even though I know it's wrong. When Russ came back from Asia with Anthony last Wed, I hadn't really been missing them or feeling like I needed them home. I loved having them back, but they could've stayed several more days, and I would've been fine. Then, we went through two days of them trying to get back into sleeping during the night and not the day. Then, it was just the adjustment of having two more people in the house. I felt like that was such a difficult adjustment for us. I had been independent for two weeks and doing things my way. Then, things change. Russ and Anthony, too, had to adjust to picking up after themselves since they weren't in a hotel any longer! MAN. I didn't anticipate those problems before they came home. It shook me... and I became resentful... and it grew with each sock I picked up, dish I washed, hour I didn't get to claim, etc. I kept getting scripture about humbling myself, serving, not being prideful, yet I couldn't help myself. I felt like I NEEDED to say spiteful things to Russ stemming from my frustration and anger. I didn't want to be a nagging Mom who had to keep reminding everyone to pick up after themselves (though I knew I couldn't do it for them or they would not learn). I was choosing for myself. I was grumbling inside and to those around me- like the Israelites did, and not to God. I read about the mistakes they made in grumbling to Moses, and I needed to get that reality check. It's not all about me. I'd love to think it is at times, but it's not. How many times can I run and jam to "So Long Self" before the message sinks in?
Anyway, I'm beginning what I hope is an exodus from myself. I hope it's a journey out of my world and into another. One where I can more often put God first and trust in his provisions and plan. Now, I'm surprised when God provides in response to my calling out to him. Yet he always does, and I have no reason to be surprised at all. Yet I am. Why is that? Doesn't history and faithfulness on His part prove that he will ALWAYS? That's a rhetorical question, of course. I just need to trust. And when he does answer me, I hope to remember, like Moses, to put a banner praising him.
That's where I am. I'm feeling pretty cruddy, but hopeful... Ashamed of how I can be so selfish, but inspired to change. I'm ready to humble myself and serve with a giving heart. Stand aside, pride! Let's hope this lasts for more than a day! :) That's not a very long journey.

Holy Frijoles

So, I'm emailing my Children's Ministry leader last night, and I am thinking to myself, "Why are they wrestling in bed?" Then, I realize Chas and Starks are NOT wrestling, rather we're having an earthquake. I try to recall what I'm supposed to do... frozen between running upstairs to get the kids, staying in the doorway, or running outside to see what's going on (until I realize I'm in my underwear). My heart was racing 90 mph, my legs were shaking, and the rest of my body was trembling. I stood in the doorway of the office watching my house undulate and rock as if it were a ship instead of a home. The noises were EERIE, and the rumbling was loud. I heard the beds upstairs banging against the wall, yet nothing was moving or shaking downstairs. I stood frozen in fear for 15 seconds at least. Then, I immediately tried to ping Russ- still in Japan with Anthony, and I had to retype my words many times over. My hands were so unsteady that I couldn't hit the keys correctly. He called me right away and helped me to work through what had happened and what I needed to do. I think he mainly was impressed the house performed just like it was supposed to. ;) The foundation is under tension and is designed to make the house move like a big block- all one piece. Think of a glass of water tipping over, though... the bottom barely shifts, but as you move up to the rim, it's really tipping up there. SO, I think most of the rocking and noise was from upstairs alone. Our bedside table drawers were all opened, some things shifted, a picture off of a hanger, and a box of cards on the floor. Other than that, I prayed and thanked God (after talking to Russ) that nothing had really been harmed or destroyed. The best part was the boys slept through it ALL! They hadn't even been asleep but maybe 3". Crazy. I was so thankful because I would've most certainly projected my fear onto them.

I felt ashamed at first that I was so fearful. It's like we all know that our goal is eternity in heaven, but we don't really want to get there any time soon. I was afraid being totally responsible for our kids. Our house is usually our safe place and place of rest and peace, but not in an earthquake! I was afraid of what may happen after the first earthquake. Would another come that was greater? Would aftershocks be like the first? How many? Should I sleep in the kids' room? I just kept praying for peace in my heart. I honestly felt like a little kid again totally overwhelmed with fear and almost paralyzed. I did NOT like feeling that way and can't remember when I last did- if at all.

THEN, the mayor of San Jose who lives at the epicenter says "yeah, but it's not the big one." SON OF A BOOGER! The way I felt, that was not at ALL reassuring to me.... seeing as it felt mighty big to me as I watched my floor literally tilt in front of me. Whew.

Anyway, all is well here. I talked to my neighbor and Amy that night, too- both of whom are also alone without husbands, and I was feeling a little better about the whole event before I went to bed. I did sleep with my cell phone- and pj bottoms near by- in case it happened again. I woke about every hour or so, though I slept well in between! :)

Ahhh.... Russ and Anthony are now home, and a part of me is relaxed and calmer with him around. Life is good. :)

The time away speaks volumes

Well, I know it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I posted. I started this thinking it could really help me sort things out, but I found that lately other things and people have helped in that area. Considering my evenings and days are full, I have seen posting as another task. It wasn't until today, when Steph found and commented on my blog, that I thought about how long it's been!

So.... The runs went very well leading up to the race. In fact, I loved them. I so enjoyed processing externally with Amy as we spent 2 hours together in the mornings. I also enjoyed running with Melinda for a couple of long ones (12 and 8 miles), but we're not close friends. It just made it different. She was business. Amy and I just thought of it as time together. I think running with Melinda, though, took my mindset to a different place. I began to think of the run as a way to push myself and not as just an enjoyable run with friends. I thought about what I wanted from it. I wanted to do well. The competitive side crept up in me, and I wanted to win above all of my friends. When race day came, I had told Melinda I'd meet up with her in corral 9, and when I arrived in the packed, roped in area, there was no way I'd ever find her. However, at that time, there was no way I'd find any of my other friends, either, in the corrals behind me! So, I stayed packed in among unfamiliar runners, chuckling to myself. The craziness! The people motivated to do this all running together.... how my preparation made me think of it as just another morning run while others were eating salt packets... how the energy was palpable... how the music had started and I was about to run... it was all so awesome. I 'd run 5K's before but never a race with more than 8000 people! When I started, I felt like I was running fast to find Melinda in the thinning multitude. I surprisingly caught up with her running/talking with another woman she'd met while in the corral. (What an appropriate name!) We then started our run together. We chatted and caught up in the beginning, but as I settled into my pace, I stopped talking almost altogether. I found the people almost too distracting. They were always in front of me! :) Just like I drive, I felt like I needed to be in front of everyone or at least not have them so close in front of me. It was a game in the beginning as the crowd was thicker of how I'd get around them- the most direct line, to not go around one just to be stuck immediately behind another, to not trip anyone up, etc. I was actually feeling pretty tired around mile 6. I felt it in my calves. My muscles were just TIRED. But, I pushed through, and realized I was making pretty good time. I had told Russ I'd be passing a corner at mile 6 AND 11.1, and I wrote down my estimates on the times I'd be there. I was RIGHT ON! It was nice to see him and the boys there. I wanted the boys to see what a race was like. They honestly thought I was running to win! :) Anyway, the bands were mostly OK. There was a long span of no bands at all. The cheerleaders were nice, but Amy said afterwards that the runners, cheerleaders and bands got on her nerves. Upon hearing that, I realized I had felt that way a little, too. I came to think about what I loved about running at 6am was the open road, no one around, zoning out on the horizon, and thinking, "Most people are sleeping, and when they awake, I will have run 12 miles!" I didn't like not seeing far in front of me. Anyway, I lost Melinda around mile 8 or 9. She just wasn't behind me anymore. I found $20 at a drink station that someone had dropped, but it wasn't like I could ask, "Did anyone lose this?" as they all ran by. :) Jenni later said it was my own prize money! So, I struggled mentally from mile 10-11 to the end. I was hot, I was running on empty, and I was alone. However, when I turned down those last 6 blocks before the finish line, a GREAT band was playing "Been a long time since I rock and rolled" by Led Zep. I LOVE Led Zep, and it was so motivating. I had no energy to kick it up a notch, though, but I was jamming in my head. When I turned, saw I had only two more blocks and the finish line was ahead, I then sped up. I sprinted the last 100 feet or so, and my end time was 2:12. That's a 10" mile for 13.1 miles! I was SO proud of myself. I didn't stop. I didn't let my mind get the best of me. I kept a fast pace for 13.1 miles!! (And, I beat out all of my friends.) I know that sounds awful, but it felt good. I felt like I had really trained for this, and I felt like I then knew that I wasn't going to do a full marathon any time soon! I felt great afterwards... no GI issues... not too sore... not too tired... I was happy! I think standing around for another 45" to see everyone else finish helped A LOT. I had cooled down, relaxed, etc. It was a great day. And, the medal is SO cool!

So, leading up the Rock N Roll 1/2 Marathon, it was a lot of running- 4 days a week. It was researching private schools for Anthony. It was Bible Study and Leaders. It was birthdays, parties, appointments, visiting schools, working in classrooms, Anthony's football started. I was feeling quite crazy, but mostly because of the praying about, researching and debating private vs. public schools and the fact that Starks decided to move out of his crib. My home was SO chaotic during that time of switching beds and rooms with stuff and furniture everywhere that my mind felt 100X more chaotic than my house looked. Plus, I was not confronting the mourning and feelings I had about Starks moving out of that phase of his little life. My last son and baby no longer needed a monitor. He no longer could be made to sleep. I packed away crib sheets, the crib music player, furniture. I had no warning like I did with Anthony and Chas. They were just 3, and it was time to be in a toddler bed. Starks just realized he could climb out and didn't have to stay in there. HE had made the decision, not me. That's not easy for me to come to terms with. It symbolized his now growing independence from me, and I didn't see it coming this soon. Plus, it's fine when it's something I want like going pee and poop on the potty. But, when it doesn't help me, then it's more adjustment and distress. That led to feeling selfish... it was a big ball tumbling and collecting things that made me feel more stressed and upset.

Studying in Exodus has been a good thing, though. I've really gotten much more out of than I ever imagined. It's always different in a study when you read a passage over and over and over. You really begin to see God's words and what they mean. Plus, being in Leader's is very rich and meaty!

That leads me to lately. Since the run, I took last week off in regards to exercise. Russ took Starks from Thursday to Saturday with him to Philly to see MomMom and Pop while Russ interviewed candidates for Google at Wharton. I had some great time with just the older boys and no nap schedule. Russ and Starks arrived home on Saturday, and we had just enough time to stop for dinner, stop at Google to pick up Russ' passport/visa, and make it home for bath and bed. Sunday we skipped church (SO rare for us) to spend time together and enjoy our full day before Russ and Anthony left for Asia. Anthony had another football game, and it's so awesome to see him and Russ out there enjoying it together. (Anthony does very well for his age group. Football's tough to learn. ) Anyway, the two older guys left Monday- we let Chas stay home from school- for Korea. I had people pray for me this week that I would embrace this time as time with the kids and not time to get things done. I wanted prayer for our time to be blessed and really special together- as well as Daddy's and Anthony's. I have since learned a couple of things I'd been worried about. I realized I do not intervene early enough for Chas. I don't stop the situation/conflict early, as I hope they will resolve themselves and/or I am busy doing something else. I think in hoping they can get it resolved, when it doesn't, I set him up for failure. He gets angry, his reaction is reprimanded, and he feels bad about himself. Russ is constantly telling people when they ask why we stopped at three kids that "because two didn't seem like enough, and three seems almost like too much." I don't like that answer. It bothers me for some reason. It's not like he's saying he would change anything, but I just don't like it. Well, in coming to terms with some things while alone with Chas and Starks, I have also come to realize that I don't like it probably because it's a little true. I think that when all three are together, there are so many pots in the fire that one's nudged out to the coals a little bit. Even though Anthony is older, fairly self sufficient, and responsible, I think he can dominate a lot. Then, Chas, who's self imposed stress of wanting/needing to be equal to his brother makes him frustrated, is battling for my ear, my attention, my praise, my time, my everything! Starks is easy to figure out being so young. He just NEEDS more attention since he's two. I have to always keep my eye on him. That only leaves one other eye. I think it'll always be a shifting of priorities and a struggle to get all of their love buckets full. I think I never wanted to face it or believe it because I didn't want to admit that I may be failing a lot here and there. Wow... that's SO tough! I know that no family is perfect or leaves a child completely met in every way. That's been comforting as I've gotten older to just hear more and more how no one's family was perfect. But, I think I've thought in the back of my head that I could be the first to make it happen! :)
When I think back at MY life as a child, I am amazed that God's hand guided me so much. That I turned out remotely normal is a miracle. Not that it was so crazy or abusive or destitute, but I think God let my eyes see what he wanted, my ears here what he wanted, and my mind record what he wanted. My sister wasn't so blessed. I crept out from his umbrella of protection for so many years... but he chased me around protecting me just enough, you know? Now, I think I've come to this part of my life where my friends are incredible. My family is strong. My worldly life is good. My spiritual life is awesome and always getting better. I just feel overwhelmingly blessed that I don't know what to do with that. I don't know in what way I'm to bless others. I feel like every week at Bible Study that I get to love on, tickle, cuddle and enjoy other kids. I think that's a way of blessing others. I get to love their kids while they're away. I get to teach these little guys about God's love and how it never goes away. But, I think in doing those things, it's just another blessing for ME and not as much as giving to others. So, I guess I need prayer with that. Should we do missions at some point? Anthony is LOVING being in Asia. About Korea, he said, "I love the people. I love the country. I love the food. I can't wait to come back." :) I think he's got a young heart for others. I don't know. I've never known anyone close how has done them, and I don't know how to get involved. I don't even know how it all works. I guess if I'm to know, the information will come to me! I need to listen for the Lord.

THEN, on top of all that, Russ got promoted to Director! Wow... life is just so good.

So, I'm at home waiting for Starks to finally give in and fall asleep for his nap. Chas is watching Scooby Doo (his usual when he's tired after school and the park). I should probably take this time to snuggle with him and watch this movie for the 4th time. :)
Thank you, Jesus for your everlasting love.

10 MILES TODAY!!!

Wow! I was nervous all week preparing mentally for my 10 miler today. To work around Russ' bike ride and Chas' birthday party- and hanging out with friends- I needed to run this morning at 6am. After begging for company, Amy joined me. It wasn't until last night when I just realized that there was no need to go through the not sleeping and GI issues before the run. As crazy as it sounds, I just gave it all to God. I realized I had no reason to stress or worry about how it would go because would give me all I needed.
So, we actually hit the pavement at 6:00, and it was such a nice run through downtown and the side streets. Best of all, we could run in the middle of the road. We only saw three other runners for the two hours out! We hit my front door at 8:00. Exactly two hours! :) Amy missed the 8 mile run last weekend while down in Texas, so she was worried about being able to run the whole time. She thought that she may have to stop and walk. WELL. She ran THE WHOLE 10 MILES; we did it together! I had no idea that the way I felt last weekend was the heat, but apparently it was. Even at mile 9, I felt better than I did at mile 4 last Saturday. I barely drank from my camelback, and I didn't need gel. I felt GREAT! I got a wonderful night's sleep, ate a bagel before heading out, and really just felt like I could have kept going and going. (sigh) I can't even put into words how that makes me feel. I am so ready for October 14th.
Thank you, God, for providing, for taking away my fears, for the beautiful weather this morning, for the scenery we passed that you made for us to enjoy, for able bodies and minds, and for strength.

I am giddy that I feel this good. I will now shower and prepare for the party and activities for the rest of the day!

God's Strength

So, this weekend, I had my 8 mile run as part of my training for the 1/2 marathon in October. Russ was going on a LONG bike ride that morning, so I was planning on heading out for my run as soon as he came home. It was to get hotter as the day went on, and as it stands, I started my run shortly after noon. I was so nervous about it that my GI tract was revolting against me. I probably ran 9 miles about 6 years ago when Russ trained for his marathon, and I have not run as far since. I missed my long run the weekend prior to this due to the sickness that ran through us all. I prayed before the run and during that God would just give me strength. He knows I can do this, and I know I can do this. I just need some reminding every now and then. You have no idea of your strength until you are tested. Saturday, I felt like I was being tested. I did very well until about mile 5.5, and then I was really feeling the heat. It was probably 90, and I had started my route downtown amongst the concrete buildings, HP Pavilion, and asphalt parking lots. I had no idea that those structures radiated so much heat! So, I would periodically stop and walk maybe 20 feet to take a drink of water and not spill it. BUT, I was plodding along nicely. Then, as I made the turn back home, it got more difficult. Again, it was the running, the heat, and the mental exhaustion (feeling sweat drip from my leg onto my ankles) that finally did me in the last mile. I would run a block, walk two, run one, walk two, etc. I don't feel defeated for walking one mile during 8.6. I did at first, but now I feel like I ran 98 minutes!! I must've been doing a really good pace in the beginning to end up averaging a 11:24 mile with my walking included. Wow! I got home, and there was just a puddle wherever I touched! :) How satisfying it was. How exhilarating to keep going. I am thankful for God's strength and a capable body.

Well, I tried out a running belt during the run and finally figured out where it needed to sit on my body about mile 5. I got some little scabs on my hips from the trial, but I think we'll good on later runs. I also tried a gel for the first time. I don't know it was the gel or the endorphins at the end, but either way, they were good to my body! I am glad to be working these things out ahead of time. How good is life that I get to do these things? How can one person be so blessed?

Anyway, I ate breakfast at 8:30, had a gel about 2pm, half a pretzel at 4, and held out for dinner. I was Ravenous! We ate dinner at Fahrenheit downtown with the Reginatos. Since our sitter was early, we headed to the restaurant for a drink beforehand. I drank some water and moved on to Diet Coke after Russ voice concerns about my energy level for the evening! :) You know, the website has some nice camera work it showcases, and it was not as "shwank" as we were picturing- thank goodness. The apps were good, and my dinner was tasty. Russ and Dave were a little disappointed, I think. All in all, I am glad we tried a new place, and maybe if we're up for dancing until 3am, we'll head back. Anyway, we got home in time to see the kids, so Russ took Moni home while I put the kids down for bed. When I finished, Dave was reclined on the couch with Kathi sitting beside him. I can't tell you how great that felt- that they were so relaxed and comfortable in our home to just kick back. We had planned on maybe playing cards or a game, but we ended up just talking until just after 10pm. It was perfect. I loved the entire evening with my husband and friends... and with my kids... that I got to be with them in that special time before bed. That's when we can fill their heads with incredible things and truths.
At the beginning of the day, I was wondering how it would go with so much to do, but it really ended up being just awesome. I am thankful for our friends.

Sunday went well, too. I absolutely LOVE the praise and worship at 10:30 mass. WOW! And, it seemed like the priest's homily was right on in our lives. I kept glancing at Russ to see if he was paying attention. :) I learned about the new journals from Mother Teresa. I had no idea and am curious as to what they said. I would like it to be posted in my will that should I die, NO ONE is to read my journals! Especially the ones from 8th grade- end of college. Yikes! I think I'd like to reflect some time on who I was and how far I've come. Plus, I may need a little refresher of life as a teenager when the time comes that they live in my home. Only then, should they ever be read! :) Thank God we grow. Anyway, we ended up ALL taking naps Sunday before heading to the park to have dinner with the Striplins. They treated us to EVERYTHING, and we had greek gyros. YUM. They were outstanding. Eric did a great job grilling, T did a great job preparing everything, and we did a great job eating! Afterwards, we headed to Great America for fireworks. Anthony, Chas and Nathan sat on top of our van to watch them as they ate cinnamon and sugar popcorn and drank hot chocolate. What a treat! Starks wanted buckled in his seat with me up front; he was scared by the noises... and car alarms scattered about- set off from percussive waves. Thankfully, it lasted 10". It was worth it, though. This was the second time trying to see fireworks with Eric and T.

Today was great again! Russ went another long ride, but as soon as he got home, he got ready to go to Great America. I had everything packed and his lunch ready so we could head out. It was not as crowded as we imagined from the parking lots. In fact, the crowd was fairly weak. We played in the pools and lazy river before eating and heading home for Starks' nap. After getting home, I had a short 3 mile run (27"). The heat was not an issue today, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that. I think I was just breathing a little heavier because I ran faster. It's all good... I ran through some sprinklers, and that helped cool me off. :) It can be kind of a mental battle while you're running, but when you're done, it feels SO good! I think I said before that I also like the way it shapes my body. Double bonus.
So, after dinner, Russ wrestled with the boys and Starks. Starks LOVES his Daddy to be home. He may not want him to put him to bed, but he certainly wants him around all of the time. He ran up to Russ at the park today and grabbed his hand. My heart melted, so I can only picture how it made Russ feel. They are so great. I think I'm not only a better person with Russ, but I'm a better parent. It's the struggles during the week that get me down. Life is just better with everyone home!

Anyway, Russ is on the couch wanting me near. I'm thirsty, and I want to read.
Thank God for his strength. Thank God for my family and the love in this house. Thank God for showing us more of ourselves and his love.

And so it begins....

Well, I have the family blog that showcases us and the kids to keep everyone far away in the loop. You know, many times I just feel like writing more, but I've never felt like I should since it's our "family's" blog.

THIS is my brain dump.

It's almost like I have so much to say that I don't even know where to start. I feel like thus far since starting school I'm keeping my head above water. Then, Chas asks me tonight to sign him up for Karate. He's asked several times before if he can do Judo. The passion has always faded then resurfaced, and I'm just not sure if I'm depriving him by not committing. The guy is an all out fighter when wrestling Daddy, and he would certainly benefit from the activity and skills. I'm just not sure I'd like to add one more thing to our daily agenda. I already feel so often that I'm keeping up with tasks and worldly things. I'm starting as a Children's Ministry leader in two weeks, and I have no idea how that will task me during the week. Poor Starks is just tagging along everywhere... to the gym (so I can keep up with my training schedule for the 1/2 marathon), to the various stores, to school three times a day to drop off and pick up brothers, soon to church twice a week for bible study, and then we'd be adding Judo or Karate?!?! I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with that one. I'm excited Chas even likes sport, so I feel obligated to encourage him in it.

So, Starks is getting really late naps from the schedule caused by school. I have to admit it's been my fault thus far, but I'm not sure I'd really do much better otherwise. Now, I have to take that back. I could probably get him to nap by 2:30 if I tried. But, the first day, I talked to Anthony's teacher after school for almost 40". The next I talked to his teacher from last year for about the same. Today, I just didn't want to be alone and decided to change the bulb in the left brake light while they played around me. I would like to say that tomorrow I'll come STRAIGHT home and put him down at a respectable time. Today, he screamed and whined before and while I put him down, and then when he woke up, it was more of the same until bedtime. Wow. I started to get really agitated, but then I realized it was my own fault for making him overtired. He just keeps toddling along unless I say stop.

After putting Starks down, it was off to see Chas and Anthony. I LOVE that Chas wants me to snuggle with him each night until he falls asleep. #1, it feels SO good to hug his little body so close. It reminds me of when he was little when now he acts so big. #2, he falls asleep a lot faster than if I let him do it on his own. #3, I feel like this is my opportunity to patch up anything I might have done wrong. If I got angry, if I chose to clean up, make dinner or do other things instead of sitting with him, if I did anything of which I wasn't proud, I can use this time to build him up and tell him how much and why I love him. If I could only do that to other people, too. I feel like he's just my fragile one. When we had our date night last Friday, it was such great insight into his psyche. First, he didn't even want to go until after 15" of explaining to and telling him he would- then threatening him by asking Anthony instead. Then, he didn't know what to do with the attention from both Mommy and Daddy. He didn't know what to do- period- without Anthony there to suggest something or bounce ideas off of. (I know I used a preposition at the end of that sentence, but I have no idea how else to reword that.) He literally had no idea where he wanted to go when we entered Great America. It took him at least 30-40" to enjoy himself. At that point, he told us, as if he were surprised, that he was having a lot of fun! I can't remember if it's the age or if it's just Chas. Until I figure that out, I'll just keep trying to make special times with him throughout the day.

MAN, I had no idea being a Mother would be such a profession. I really am finding I need continuing education- and unceasingly. I find it difficult to remember and put all of these things into action with each encounter. I am retraining myself almost every day in some manner. On occasion, I step back and evaluate my performance. I am often observing others for new options to old behavior. It is A LOT of work! It is an enormous responsibility. I can feel overwhelmed at times just trying to make sure I am doing what I can to keep them out of therapy later. When I feel really guilty about how I've behaved, I remember how crazy it was for me, and I think I turned out pretty well. That really only makes me feel a little better.

Then, Anthony was being crazy tonight, and he rarely misbehaves. I asked him what he was thinking and if he was trying to get my attention. He said, "Well, maybe." So, I tried to wrestle with him, tickle him, and talk to him later. This is just nuts! I feel so selfish for wanting to clean up dishes before heading up to bed. I don't want them down here for me to do by myself later. I don't like it that it's dark outside and I'm cleaning up. I want to come downstairs and relax after putting them to bed. I want my day to basically end when I plop down on the couch. That is what fuels my frustration... that I feel awful about myself for being so selfish... for choosing to check and respond to emails while they watch TV- which they are allowed one movie or two shows after school- instead of sitting with them... for choosing to clean up dinner dishes while they finish instead of sitting with my empty plate at the table with them... for what seem like a 1000 things a day. I had no idea that when I had children I would also be signing up for so much guilt. Guilt is good when it causes you to reevaluate and correct behavior. But, I really don't like being plagued with it! Some days I feel just that way.

I was talking to a friend the other day while running, and I was telling her that when I get angry at the kids that it's usually because I'm angry with myself. I shouted at Chas for aggravating Starks the other morning, and I was really angry at myself for not stopping what I was doing (making breakfast) when I first heard the struggle. I should have stopped, addressed it before it got to squealing, and then it would've been fine. Instead, I grabbed him by the arm and shouted to him the words, "You will NOT aggravate your brother this morning." Now, I realize it was not my proudest parenting moment. I made him cry, and it made me feel horrible. I do not like when I have those outbursts. I apologized for shouting at him, and he forgave me... but it didn't really make me feel any better. I am an adult and have the skills to better handle myself, but I forget them sometimes. Is it because they are with me ALL day? God, help me hear you shouting to ME.

Well, today really was a nice day. I feel like we're working out the details about this schedule and how to get everything else done, too. It's not even like they've had any homework yet! And Russ asked me last week, "Have you called the tutor about Chinese." I think I shot him a dagger glance and replied, "No." What ever happened to watching TV and eating BonBons? I think I've still tried to keep the days filled with friends and fun, too, that I haven't felt like we've just had a "normal" day. Again, after this training that asks you to run four times a week is over, I may feel like there's a little more slack in the day. I am not complaining as much as looking forward to it not being there as a commitment. I like running; I like the way it changes my body. I just don't like feeling told that I HAVE to do something. How did I do so well in the Navy for 5 years? :) (maybe it was being an officer that helped)

What would I do without my friends? That's another blog in itself. I know why God sent me to such a great and numerous group of women! I need them! Russ is wonderful, but he's just not the same. :)

Goodnight. My mouth is so dry I've GOT to get some water ASAP. I know that when I get up from here, I will not want to come back. Thanks for the rambling.