And so it begins....

Well, I have the family blog that showcases us and the kids to keep everyone far away in the loop. You know, many times I just feel like writing more, but I've never felt like I should since it's our "family's" blog.

THIS is my brain dump.

It's almost like I have so much to say that I don't even know where to start. I feel like thus far since starting school I'm keeping my head above water. Then, Chas asks me tonight to sign him up for Karate. He's asked several times before if he can do Judo. The passion has always faded then resurfaced, and I'm just not sure if I'm depriving him by not committing. The guy is an all out fighter when wrestling Daddy, and he would certainly benefit from the activity and skills. I'm just not sure I'd like to add one more thing to our daily agenda. I already feel so often that I'm keeping up with tasks and worldly things. I'm starting as a Children's Ministry leader in two weeks, and I have no idea how that will task me during the week. Poor Starks is just tagging along everywhere... to the gym (so I can keep up with my training schedule for the 1/2 marathon), to the various stores, to school three times a day to drop off and pick up brothers, soon to church twice a week for bible study, and then we'd be adding Judo or Karate?!?! I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with that one. I'm excited Chas even likes sport, so I feel obligated to encourage him in it.

So, Starks is getting really late naps from the schedule caused by school. I have to admit it's been my fault thus far, but I'm not sure I'd really do much better otherwise. Now, I have to take that back. I could probably get him to nap by 2:30 if I tried. But, the first day, I talked to Anthony's teacher after school for almost 40". The next I talked to his teacher from last year for about the same. Today, I just didn't want to be alone and decided to change the bulb in the left brake light while they played around me. I would like to say that tomorrow I'll come STRAIGHT home and put him down at a respectable time. Today, he screamed and whined before and while I put him down, and then when he woke up, it was more of the same until bedtime. Wow. I started to get really agitated, but then I realized it was my own fault for making him overtired. He just keeps toddling along unless I say stop.

After putting Starks down, it was off to see Chas and Anthony. I LOVE that Chas wants me to snuggle with him each night until he falls asleep. #1, it feels SO good to hug his little body so close. It reminds me of when he was little when now he acts so big. #2, he falls asleep a lot faster than if I let him do it on his own. #3, I feel like this is my opportunity to patch up anything I might have done wrong. If I got angry, if I chose to clean up, make dinner or do other things instead of sitting with him, if I did anything of which I wasn't proud, I can use this time to build him up and tell him how much and why I love him. If I could only do that to other people, too. I feel like he's just my fragile one. When we had our date night last Friday, it was such great insight into his psyche. First, he didn't even want to go until after 15" of explaining to and telling him he would- then threatening him by asking Anthony instead. Then, he didn't know what to do with the attention from both Mommy and Daddy. He didn't know what to do- period- without Anthony there to suggest something or bounce ideas off of. (I know I used a preposition at the end of that sentence, but I have no idea how else to reword that.) He literally had no idea where he wanted to go when we entered Great America. It took him at least 30-40" to enjoy himself. At that point, he told us, as if he were surprised, that he was having a lot of fun! I can't remember if it's the age or if it's just Chas. Until I figure that out, I'll just keep trying to make special times with him throughout the day.

MAN, I had no idea being a Mother would be such a profession. I really am finding I need continuing education- and unceasingly. I find it difficult to remember and put all of these things into action with each encounter. I am retraining myself almost every day in some manner. On occasion, I step back and evaluate my performance. I am often observing others for new options to old behavior. It is A LOT of work! It is an enormous responsibility. I can feel overwhelmed at times just trying to make sure I am doing what I can to keep them out of therapy later. When I feel really guilty about how I've behaved, I remember how crazy it was for me, and I think I turned out pretty well. That really only makes me feel a little better.

Then, Anthony was being crazy tonight, and he rarely misbehaves. I asked him what he was thinking and if he was trying to get my attention. He said, "Well, maybe." So, I tried to wrestle with him, tickle him, and talk to him later. This is just nuts! I feel so selfish for wanting to clean up dishes before heading up to bed. I don't want them down here for me to do by myself later. I don't like it that it's dark outside and I'm cleaning up. I want to come downstairs and relax after putting them to bed. I want my day to basically end when I plop down on the couch. That is what fuels my frustration... that I feel awful about myself for being so selfish... for choosing to check and respond to emails while they watch TV- which they are allowed one movie or two shows after school- instead of sitting with them... for choosing to clean up dinner dishes while they finish instead of sitting with my empty plate at the table with them... for what seem like a 1000 things a day. I had no idea that when I had children I would also be signing up for so much guilt. Guilt is good when it causes you to reevaluate and correct behavior. But, I really don't like being plagued with it! Some days I feel just that way.

I was talking to a friend the other day while running, and I was telling her that when I get angry at the kids that it's usually because I'm angry with myself. I shouted at Chas for aggravating Starks the other morning, and I was really angry at myself for not stopping what I was doing (making breakfast) when I first heard the struggle. I should have stopped, addressed it before it got to squealing, and then it would've been fine. Instead, I grabbed him by the arm and shouted to him the words, "You will NOT aggravate your brother this morning." Now, I realize it was not my proudest parenting moment. I made him cry, and it made me feel horrible. I do not like when I have those outbursts. I apologized for shouting at him, and he forgave me... but it didn't really make me feel any better. I am an adult and have the skills to better handle myself, but I forget them sometimes. Is it because they are with me ALL day? God, help me hear you shouting to ME.

Well, today really was a nice day. I feel like we're working out the details about this schedule and how to get everything else done, too. It's not even like they've had any homework yet! And Russ asked me last week, "Have you called the tutor about Chinese." I think I shot him a dagger glance and replied, "No." What ever happened to watching TV and eating BonBons? I think I've still tried to keep the days filled with friends and fun, too, that I haven't felt like we've just had a "normal" day. Again, after this training that asks you to run four times a week is over, I may feel like there's a little more slack in the day. I am not complaining as much as looking forward to it not being there as a commitment. I like running; I like the way it changes my body. I just don't like feeling told that I HAVE to do something. How did I do so well in the Navy for 5 years? :) (maybe it was being an officer that helped)

What would I do without my friends? That's another blog in itself. I know why God sent me to such a great and numerous group of women! I need them! Russ is wonderful, but he's just not the same. :)

Goodnight. My mouth is so dry I've GOT to get some water ASAP. I know that when I get up from here, I will not want to come back. Thanks for the rambling.