So, I'm emailing my Children's Ministry leader last night, and I am thinking to myself, "Why are they wrestling in bed?" Then, I realize Chas and Starks are NOT wrestling, rather we're having an earthquake. I try to recall what I'm supposed to do... frozen between running upstairs to get the kids, staying in the doorway, or running outside to see what's going on (until I realize I'm in my underwear). My heart was racing 90 mph, my legs were shaking, and the rest of my body was trembling. I stood in the doorway of the office watching my house undulate and rock as if it were a ship instead of a home. The noises were EERIE, and the rumbling was loud. I heard the beds upstairs banging against the wall, yet nothing was moving or shaking downstairs. I stood frozen in fear for 15 seconds at least. Then, I immediately tried to ping Russ- still in Japan with Anthony, and I had to retype my words many times over. My hands were so unsteady that I couldn't hit the keys correctly. He called me right away and helped me to work through what had happened and what I needed to do. I think he mainly was impressed the house performed just like it was supposed to. ;) The foundation is under tension and is designed to make the house move like a big block- all one piece. Think of a glass of water tipping over, though... the bottom barely shifts, but as you move up to the rim, it's really tipping up there. SO, I think most of the rocking and noise was from upstairs alone. Our bedside table drawers were all opened, some things shifted, a picture off of a hanger, and a box of cards on the floor. Other than that, I prayed and thanked God (after talking to Russ) that nothing had really been harmed or destroyed. The best part was the boys slept through it ALL! They hadn't even been asleep but maybe 3". Crazy. I was so thankful because I would've most certainly projected my fear onto them.
I felt ashamed at first that I was so fearful. It's like we all know that our goal is eternity in heaven, but we don't really want to get there any time soon. I was afraid being totally responsible for our kids. Our house is usually our safe place and place of rest and peace, but not in an earthquake! I was afraid of what may happen after the first earthquake. Would another come that was greater? Would aftershocks be like the first? How many? Should I sleep in the kids' room? I just kept praying for peace in my heart. I honestly felt like a little kid again totally overwhelmed with fear and almost paralyzed. I did NOT like feeling that way and can't remember when I last did- if at all.
THEN, the mayor of San Jose who lives at the epicenter says "yeah, but it's not the big one." SON OF A BOOGER! The way I felt, that was not at ALL reassuring to me.... seeing as it felt mighty big to me as I watched my floor literally tilt in front of me. Whew.
Anyway, all is well here. I talked to my neighbor and Amy that night, too- both of whom are also alone without husbands, and I was feeling a little better about the whole event before I went to bed. I did sleep with my cell phone- and pj bottoms near by- in case it happened again. I woke about every hour or so, though I slept well in between! :)
Ahhh.... Russ and Anthony are now home, and a part of me is relaxed and calmer with him around. Life is good. :)
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
The time away speaks volumes
Well, I know it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I posted. I started this thinking it could really help me sort things out, but I found that lately other things and people have helped in that area. Considering my evenings and days are full, I have seen posting as another task. It wasn't until today, when Steph found and commented on my blog, that I thought about how long it's been!
So.... The runs went very well leading up to the race. In fact, I loved them. I so enjoyed processing externally with Amy as we spent 2 hours together in the mornings. I also enjoyed running with Melinda for a couple of long ones (12 and 8 miles), but we're not close friends. It just made it different. She was business. Amy and I just thought of it as time together. I think running with Melinda, though, took my mindset to a different place. I began to think of the run as a way to push myself and not as just an enjoyable run with friends. I thought about what I wanted from it. I wanted to do well. The competitive side crept up in me, and I wanted to win above all of my friends. When race day came, I had told Melinda I'd meet up with her in corral 9, and when I arrived in the packed, roped in area, there was no way I'd ever find her. However, at that time, there was no way I'd find any of my other friends, either, in the corrals behind me! So, I stayed packed in among unfamiliar runners, chuckling to myself. The craziness! The people motivated to do this all running together.... how my preparation made me think of it as just another morning run while others were eating salt packets... how the energy was palpable... how the music had started and I was about to run... it was all so awesome. I 'd run 5K's before but never a race with more than 8000 people! When I started, I felt like I was running fast to find Melinda in the thinning multitude. I surprisingly caught up with her running/talking with another woman she'd met while in the corral. (What an appropriate name!) We then started our run together. We chatted and caught up in the beginning, but as I settled into my pace, I stopped talking almost altogether. I found the people almost too distracting. They were always in front of me! :) Just like I drive, I felt like I needed to be in front of everyone or at least not have them so close in front of me. It was a game in the beginning as the crowd was thicker of how I'd get around them- the most direct line, to not go around one just to be stuck immediately behind another, to not trip anyone up, etc. I was actually feeling pretty tired around mile 6. I felt it in my calves. My muscles were just TIRED. But, I pushed through, and realized I was making pretty good time. I had told Russ I'd be passing a corner at mile 6 AND 11.1, and I wrote down my estimates on the times I'd be there. I was RIGHT ON! It was nice to see him and the boys there. I wanted the boys to see what a race was like. They honestly thought I was running to win! :) Anyway, the bands were mostly OK. There was a long span of no bands at all. The cheerleaders were nice, but Amy said afterwards that the runners, cheerleaders and bands got on her nerves. Upon hearing that, I realized I had felt that way a little, too. I came to think about what I loved about running at 6am was the open road, no one around, zoning out on the horizon, and thinking, "Most people are sleeping, and when they awake, I will have run 12 miles!" I didn't like not seeing far in front of me. Anyway, I lost Melinda around mile 8 or 9. She just wasn't behind me anymore. I found $20 at a drink station that someone had dropped, but it wasn't like I could ask, "Did anyone lose this?" as they all ran by. :) Jenni later said it was my own prize money! So, I struggled mentally from mile 10-11 to the end. I was hot, I was running on empty, and I was alone. However, when I turned down those last 6 blocks before the finish line, a GREAT band was playing "Been a long time since I rock and rolled" by Led Zep. I LOVE Led Zep, and it was so motivating. I had no energy to kick it up a notch, though, but I was jamming in my head. When I turned, saw I had only two more blocks and the finish line was ahead, I then sped up. I sprinted the last 100 feet or so, and my end time was 2:12. That's a 10" mile for 13.1 miles! I was SO proud of myself. I didn't stop. I didn't let my mind get the best of me. I kept a fast pace for 13.1 miles!! (And, I beat out all of my friends.) I know that sounds awful, but it felt good. I felt like I had really trained for this, and I felt like I then knew that I wasn't going to do a full marathon any time soon! I felt great afterwards... no GI issues... not too sore... not too tired... I was happy! I think standing around for another 45" to see everyone else finish helped A LOT. I had cooled down, relaxed, etc. It was a great day. And, the medal is SO cool!
So, leading up the Rock N Roll 1/2 Marathon, it was a lot of running- 4 days a week. It was researching private schools for Anthony. It was Bible Study and Leaders. It was birthdays, parties, appointments, visiting schools, working in classrooms, Anthony's football started. I was feeling quite crazy, but mostly because of the praying about, researching and debating private vs. public schools and the fact that Starks decided to move out of his crib. My home was SO chaotic during that time of switching beds and rooms with stuff and furniture everywhere that my mind felt 100X more chaotic than my house looked. Plus, I was not confronting the mourning and feelings I had about Starks moving out of that phase of his little life. My last son and baby no longer needed a monitor. He no longer could be made to sleep. I packed away crib sheets, the crib music player, furniture. I had no warning like I did with Anthony and Chas. They were just 3, and it was time to be in a toddler bed. Starks just realized he could climb out and didn't have to stay in there. HE had made the decision, not me. That's not easy for me to come to terms with. It symbolized his now growing independence from me, and I didn't see it coming this soon. Plus, it's fine when it's something I want like going pee and poop on the potty. But, when it doesn't help me, then it's more adjustment and distress. That led to feeling selfish... it was a big ball tumbling and collecting things that made me feel more stressed and upset.
Studying in Exodus has been a good thing, though. I've really gotten much more out of than I ever imagined. It's always different in a study when you read a passage over and over and over. You really begin to see God's words and what they mean. Plus, being in Leader's is very rich and meaty!
That leads me to lately. Since the run, I took last week off in regards to exercise. Russ took Starks from Thursday to Saturday with him to Philly to see MomMom and Pop while Russ interviewed candidates for Google at Wharton. I had some great time with just the older boys and no nap schedule. Russ and Starks arrived home on Saturday, and we had just enough time to stop for dinner, stop at Google to pick up Russ' passport/visa, and make it home for bath and bed. Sunday we skipped church (SO rare for us) to spend time together and enjoy our full day before Russ and Anthony left for Asia. Anthony had another football game, and it's so awesome to see him and Russ out there enjoying it together. (Anthony does very well for his age group. Football's tough to learn. ) Anyway, the two older guys left Monday- we let Chas stay home from school- for Korea. I had people pray for me this week that I would embrace this time as time with the kids and not time to get things done. I wanted prayer for our time to be blessed and really special together- as well as Daddy's and Anthony's. I have since learned a couple of things I'd been worried about. I realized I do not intervene early enough for Chas. I don't stop the situation/conflict early, as I hope they will resolve themselves and/or I am busy doing something else. I think in hoping they can get it resolved, when it doesn't, I set him up for failure. He gets angry, his reaction is reprimanded, and he feels bad about himself. Russ is constantly telling people when they ask why we stopped at three kids that "because two didn't seem like enough, and three seems almost like too much." I don't like that answer. It bothers me for some reason. It's not like he's saying he would change anything, but I just don't like it. Well, in coming to terms with some things while alone with Chas and Starks, I have also come to realize that I don't like it probably because it's a little true. I think that when all three are together, there are so many pots in the fire that one's nudged out to the coals a little bit. Even though Anthony is older, fairly self sufficient, and responsible, I think he can dominate a lot. Then, Chas, who's self imposed stress of wanting/needing to be equal to his brother makes him frustrated, is battling for my ear, my attention, my praise, my time, my everything! Starks is easy to figure out being so young. He just NEEDS more attention since he's two. I have to always keep my eye on him. That only leaves one other eye. I think it'll always be a shifting of priorities and a struggle to get all of their love buckets full. I think I never wanted to face it or believe it because I didn't want to admit that I may be failing a lot here and there. Wow... that's SO tough! I know that no family is perfect or leaves a child completely met in every way. That's been comforting as I've gotten older to just hear more and more how no one's family was perfect. But, I think I've thought in the back of my head that I could be the first to make it happen! :)
When I think back at MY life as a child, I am amazed that God's hand guided me so much. That I turned out remotely normal is a miracle. Not that it was so crazy or abusive or destitute, but I think God let my eyes see what he wanted, my ears here what he wanted, and my mind record what he wanted. My sister wasn't so blessed. I crept out from his umbrella of protection for so many years... but he chased me around protecting me just enough, you know? Now, I think I've come to this part of my life where my friends are incredible. My family is strong. My worldly life is good. My spiritual life is awesome and always getting better. I just feel overwhelmingly blessed that I don't know what to do with that. I don't know in what way I'm to bless others. I feel like every week at Bible Study that I get to love on, tickle, cuddle and enjoy other kids. I think that's a way of blessing others. I get to love their kids while they're away. I get to teach these little guys about God's love and how it never goes away. But, I think in doing those things, it's just another blessing for ME and not as much as giving to others. So, I guess I need prayer with that. Should we do missions at some point? Anthony is LOVING being in Asia. About Korea, he said, "I love the people. I love the country. I love the food. I can't wait to come back." :) I think he's got a young heart for others. I don't know. I've never known anyone close how has done them, and I don't know how to get involved. I don't even know how it all works. I guess if I'm to know, the information will come to me! I need to listen for the Lord.
THEN, on top of all that, Russ got promoted to Director! Wow... life is just so good.
So, I'm at home waiting for Starks to finally give in and fall asleep for his nap. Chas is watching Scooby Doo (his usual when he's tired after school and the park). I should probably take this time to snuggle with him and watch this movie for the 4th time. :)
Thank you, Jesus for your everlasting love.
So.... The runs went very well leading up to the race. In fact, I loved them. I so enjoyed processing externally with Amy as we spent 2 hours together in the mornings. I also enjoyed running with Melinda for a couple of long ones (12 and 8 miles), but we're not close friends. It just made it different. She was business. Amy and I just thought of it as time together. I think running with Melinda, though, took my mindset to a different place. I began to think of the run as a way to push myself and not as just an enjoyable run with friends. I thought about what I wanted from it. I wanted to do well. The competitive side crept up in me, and I wanted to win above all of my friends. When race day came, I had told Melinda I'd meet up with her in corral 9, and when I arrived in the packed, roped in area, there was no way I'd ever find her. However, at that time, there was no way I'd find any of my other friends, either, in the corrals behind me! So, I stayed packed in among unfamiliar runners, chuckling to myself. The craziness! The people motivated to do this all running together.... how my preparation made me think of it as just another morning run while others were eating salt packets... how the energy was palpable... how the music had started and I was about to run... it was all so awesome. I 'd run 5K's before but never a race with more than 8000 people! When I started, I felt like I was running fast to find Melinda in the thinning multitude. I surprisingly caught up with her running/talking with another woman she'd met while in the corral. (What an appropriate name!) We then started our run together. We chatted and caught up in the beginning, but as I settled into my pace, I stopped talking almost altogether. I found the people almost too distracting. They were always in front of me! :) Just like I drive, I felt like I needed to be in front of everyone or at least not have them so close in front of me. It was a game in the beginning as the crowd was thicker of how I'd get around them- the most direct line, to not go around one just to be stuck immediately behind another, to not trip anyone up, etc. I was actually feeling pretty tired around mile 6. I felt it in my calves. My muscles were just TIRED. But, I pushed through, and realized I was making pretty good time. I had told Russ I'd be passing a corner at mile 6 AND 11.1, and I wrote down my estimates on the times I'd be there. I was RIGHT ON! It was nice to see him and the boys there. I wanted the boys to see what a race was like. They honestly thought I was running to win! :) Anyway, the bands were mostly OK. There was a long span of no bands at all. The cheerleaders were nice, but Amy said afterwards that the runners, cheerleaders and bands got on her nerves. Upon hearing that, I realized I had felt that way a little, too. I came to think about what I loved about running at 6am was the open road, no one around, zoning out on the horizon, and thinking, "Most people are sleeping, and when they awake, I will have run 12 miles!" I didn't like not seeing far in front of me. Anyway, I lost Melinda around mile 8 or 9. She just wasn't behind me anymore. I found $20 at a drink station that someone had dropped, but it wasn't like I could ask, "Did anyone lose this?" as they all ran by. :) Jenni later said it was my own prize money! So, I struggled mentally from mile 10-11 to the end. I was hot, I was running on empty, and I was alone. However, when I turned down those last 6 blocks before the finish line, a GREAT band was playing "Been a long time since I rock and rolled" by Led Zep. I LOVE Led Zep, and it was so motivating. I had no energy to kick it up a notch, though, but I was jamming in my head. When I turned, saw I had only two more blocks and the finish line was ahead, I then sped up. I sprinted the last 100 feet or so, and my end time was 2:12. That's a 10" mile for 13.1 miles! I was SO proud of myself. I didn't stop. I didn't let my mind get the best of me. I kept a fast pace for 13.1 miles!! (And, I beat out all of my friends.) I know that sounds awful, but it felt good. I felt like I had really trained for this, and I felt like I then knew that I wasn't going to do a full marathon any time soon! I felt great afterwards... no GI issues... not too sore... not too tired... I was happy! I think standing around for another 45" to see everyone else finish helped A LOT. I had cooled down, relaxed, etc. It was a great day. And, the medal is SO cool!
So, leading up the Rock N Roll 1/2 Marathon, it was a lot of running- 4 days a week. It was researching private schools for Anthony. It was Bible Study and Leaders. It was birthdays, parties, appointments, visiting schools, working in classrooms, Anthony's football started. I was feeling quite crazy, but mostly because of the praying about, researching and debating private vs. public schools and the fact that Starks decided to move out of his crib. My home was SO chaotic during that time of switching beds and rooms with stuff and furniture everywhere that my mind felt 100X more chaotic than my house looked. Plus, I was not confronting the mourning and feelings I had about Starks moving out of that phase of his little life. My last son and baby no longer needed a monitor. He no longer could be made to sleep. I packed away crib sheets, the crib music player, furniture. I had no warning like I did with Anthony and Chas. They were just 3, and it was time to be in a toddler bed. Starks just realized he could climb out and didn't have to stay in there. HE had made the decision, not me. That's not easy for me to come to terms with. It symbolized his now growing independence from me, and I didn't see it coming this soon. Plus, it's fine when it's something I want like going pee and poop on the potty. But, when it doesn't help me, then it's more adjustment and distress. That led to feeling selfish... it was a big ball tumbling and collecting things that made me feel more stressed and upset.
Studying in Exodus has been a good thing, though. I've really gotten much more out of than I ever imagined. It's always different in a study when you read a passage over and over and over. You really begin to see God's words and what they mean. Plus, being in Leader's is very rich and meaty!
That leads me to lately. Since the run, I took last week off in regards to exercise. Russ took Starks from Thursday to Saturday with him to Philly to see MomMom and Pop while Russ interviewed candidates for Google at Wharton. I had some great time with just the older boys and no nap schedule. Russ and Starks arrived home on Saturday, and we had just enough time to stop for dinner, stop at Google to pick up Russ' passport/visa, and make it home for bath and bed. Sunday we skipped church (SO rare for us) to spend time together and enjoy our full day before Russ and Anthony left for Asia. Anthony had another football game, and it's so awesome to see him and Russ out there enjoying it together. (Anthony does very well for his age group. Football's tough to learn. ) Anyway, the two older guys left Monday- we let Chas stay home from school- for Korea. I had people pray for me this week that I would embrace this time as time with the kids and not time to get things done. I wanted prayer for our time to be blessed and really special together- as well as Daddy's and Anthony's. I have since learned a couple of things I'd been worried about. I realized I do not intervene early enough for Chas. I don't stop the situation/conflict early, as I hope they will resolve themselves and/or I am busy doing something else. I think in hoping they can get it resolved, when it doesn't, I set him up for failure. He gets angry, his reaction is reprimanded, and he feels bad about himself. Russ is constantly telling people when they ask why we stopped at three kids that "because two didn't seem like enough, and three seems almost like too much." I don't like that answer. It bothers me for some reason. It's not like he's saying he would change anything, but I just don't like it. Well, in coming to terms with some things while alone with Chas and Starks, I have also come to realize that I don't like it probably because it's a little true. I think that when all three are together, there are so many pots in the fire that one's nudged out to the coals a little bit. Even though Anthony is older, fairly self sufficient, and responsible, I think he can dominate a lot. Then, Chas, who's self imposed stress of wanting/needing to be equal to his brother makes him frustrated, is battling for my ear, my attention, my praise, my time, my everything! Starks is easy to figure out being so young. He just NEEDS more attention since he's two. I have to always keep my eye on him. That only leaves one other eye. I think it'll always be a shifting of priorities and a struggle to get all of their love buckets full. I think I never wanted to face it or believe it because I didn't want to admit that I may be failing a lot here and there. Wow... that's SO tough! I know that no family is perfect or leaves a child completely met in every way. That's been comforting as I've gotten older to just hear more and more how no one's family was perfect. But, I think I've thought in the back of my head that I could be the first to make it happen! :)
When I think back at MY life as a child, I am amazed that God's hand guided me so much. That I turned out remotely normal is a miracle. Not that it was so crazy or abusive or destitute, but I think God let my eyes see what he wanted, my ears here what he wanted, and my mind record what he wanted. My sister wasn't so blessed. I crept out from his umbrella of protection for so many years... but he chased me around protecting me just enough, you know? Now, I think I've come to this part of my life where my friends are incredible. My family is strong. My worldly life is good. My spiritual life is awesome and always getting better. I just feel overwhelmingly blessed that I don't know what to do with that. I don't know in what way I'm to bless others. I feel like every week at Bible Study that I get to love on, tickle, cuddle and enjoy other kids. I think that's a way of blessing others. I get to love their kids while they're away. I get to teach these little guys about God's love and how it never goes away. But, I think in doing those things, it's just another blessing for ME and not as much as giving to others. So, I guess I need prayer with that. Should we do missions at some point? Anthony is LOVING being in Asia. About Korea, he said, "I love the people. I love the country. I love the food. I can't wait to come back." :) I think he's got a young heart for others. I don't know. I've never known anyone close how has done them, and I don't know how to get involved. I don't even know how it all works. I guess if I'm to know, the information will come to me! I need to listen for the Lord.
THEN, on top of all that, Russ got promoted to Director! Wow... life is just so good.
So, I'm at home waiting for Starks to finally give in and fall asleep for his nap. Chas is watching Scooby Doo (his usual when he's tired after school and the park). I should probably take this time to snuggle with him and watch this movie for the 4th time. :)
Thank you, Jesus for your everlasting love.
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