Thanking the LORD

Let's recount...
Russ was gone two weeks in PA and Asia. After coming home, he worked until after 7 or 8 each night last week. By the time this weekend came around, I had been independent and running everything for three weeks. He had become an annoyance and definitely didn't do things how I wanted him to do them. Thus, I grew a bitter heart. I was critical of everything. We had a great time Saturday night, but I never really shook the resentment I had held onto.
So, Sunday while I stood in church, I started praying to God and confessing this sin of heart. I pleaded with him to "Create in me a clean heart, oh God." (Ps 51:10) I honestly just felt lighter. I felt like I nailed it and my burden was immediately taken away. But, it really wasn't... I had held on to a part of it.

That afternoon, I did my bible study and came downstairs to the boys having computer time and Daddy on the couch with his ever present laptop. (sigh) I snapped at him, told the boys to get off the computer (even though they were having fun), and brought everyone in the kitchen to make some gingerbread men cookies!! They had a ball, Anthony even helped me make dinner while Chas was doing his part of the cookies, and we were all happy. After dinner, Russ took the boys upstairs to play, and I stayed down to clean up. As I was cleaning, "Your love is extravagant" by Casting Crowns started playing. I immediately was overwhelmed with sadness at how I hadn't really trashed the dirty feelings, and I started to cry. Now, I don't cry often. In all honesty, I am pretty much happy most of the time, and if I'm sad, I don't have time to cry! :) So, it all came pouring out while I wiped the counters, the table, cleaned the stainless steel, etc. I even had to restart the song as I just needed to keep hearing those words. But, before I restarted the song, I almost stopped crying and continued to wipe down the trash can! I heard God ask me what I was doing. I replied, "I know! I don't know why!" So, I stayed in my crouched position sitting on the kitchen floor crying until I felt like it was all out.

While I had this moment, there was a lot of talking between God and me. It was back and forth. I think it wasn't just sadness that drained from me, but overwhelming joy that I was having this moment with him. It was awesome.

Starks had come downstairs to see me and asked why I was crying. He was the only one who saw me or knew about it. And he didn't tell anyone else. When I was done, I knew that I felt like Thanking God for his rescuing my heart and talking me through. I decided to fast.

I LOVE FOOD! I ALWAYS get irritable, shaky, headaches, or just feel plain nasty when I don't eat frequently enough. So, I eat frequently. I eat man sized portions! I rarely even go a day without dessert of some kind. I love it. I think the only reason I exercise sometimes is to support my eating habits! :) Anyway, since I had never really fasted, I asked a friend to do it with me. I prayed about it from Sunday on, and I asked my prayer partner to pray for me, too. My husband, my sons, my prayer partner, and Teresa (who was doing it with me) were the only people who knew about it.

Monday was a day off from school for the boys, so we headed to SF Zoo with friends (four other families). It was gorgeous weather, loads of fun, and just a great day. I had pictured my day before fasting as making sure I ate enough for two days! :) However, it didn't really go that way at all! I ate a big bowl of granola and berries for breakfast, 3/4 of a pbj & some goldfish crackers at lunch, two cubes of sweet potatoes (they jumped from the dish, and I saved them), and five bites of pork tenderloin. I made dinner for a friend, so I had to try out the meat before taking it to her... five times. Anyway, after dropping off the meal, I stopped at T's to say "Hello" before heading home. I have NO idea WHAT I was thinking. I never stop in at a friend's house; I stay for a while. Well, I came out to get in the van, and the sun was down. No dinner for me.

We came home, and I made dinner for everyone else. Russ got home at 7:00, and after putting the boys to bed, I took a bath to focus on what was ahead. He went downstairs to sit in front of the TV. When I joined him at 8:15, he was already asleep! What a blessing because I was feeling mighty tired, too! I went to bed around 9, and I slept so well. When I awoke, I felt great. In fact, I felt awesome the entire day!?!?!? I actually could not stop smiling, I felt like I was radiating, and I was so peaceful inside. Strange. I had maybe two times of feeling for a second a hunger pang- when I smelled the dinner in the crockpot on our arrival home and one time in Leader's, but I think that was the way I was sitting all bent over. I never was shaky. I wasn't lightheaded. I wasn't weak.

I WAS, however, obsessed with realizing how great I felt. I had told God that for every time I thought about food I would thank him for something. I did A LOT of thanking today! And I loved it! I loved talking to him 24/7. I loved praying when I felt hungry or like I was obsessing about something or doubting. I honestly was not even hungry when dinnertime came around. I ate because I felt like I should. I laugh sitting here now because there was no drama!!! It was easy. Why? Because God made it that way. Because he helped me (and I actually asked) and stayed near me all day. Because for once in my life I did a pretty good job making it all about Him. I almost felt like when I did start eating that I lost a part of that feeling. The feeling of closeness. It definitely encourages me to do it again. THANK YOU, LORD!!!!
Your Love is Extravagant!

BILLY JOEL!!!!

Wow! Russ and I went to see Billy Joel last night at the Oracle Coliseum in Oakland. What an awesome show. It was a bit humorous walking in and noticing the crowd. Oh how things have changed! First of all, the majority of the heads showed at least SOME gray. Then, I saw many people walking with big water cups in their hands instead of beer (myself included). It was just not what I saw when I was younger. I've seen U2, Metallica, Alice in Chains, Van Halen, Jimmy Buffet, Paul McCartney, Guns N Roses, Aerosmith, Rush, REM, Hootie & The Blowfish, Bush, No Doubt, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Indigo Girls, Heart, George Clinton and the P Funk Allstars, lots of college bands, and of course, Sesame Street Live. :) (My first concert was Tears for Fears in 7th grade.) But, when Billy Joel came to town I was either not there, the show sold out immediately, or I didn't have enough money! Billy Joel is one of those artists that I have always really enjoyed and have always wanted to see live. I had a 45 of "Just the Way You Are" at age 5 that I played constantly.

Anyway, it was great. Even though we were WAY up there in the 200 section and sat the entire concert, it totally rocked! The show started with the piano rising up through the stage and him playing "Angry Young Man." The rest of the show is as follows:
2) My Life
3) Everybody Loves You Now
4) The Entertainer
5) Downeaster Alexa
6) Allentown
7) Zanzibar (52nd Street)
8) New York State of Mind
9) Root Beer Rap? Raft?
10) Movin' Out
11) Innocent Man
12) Don't Ask Me Why
13) She's Always a Woman
14) Keepin' the Faith
15) River of Dreams
16) Highway to Hell - AC/DC, sung by one of his long-time roadies
named Chainsaw - funny. "If you don't like it, you can boo him right
the hell off the stage" - Billy Joel
17) We Didn't Start the Fire
18) Big Shot
19) It's Still Rock n Roll to Me
20) You May be Right

ENCORE
21) Scenes from an Italian Restaurant
22) Only the Good Die Young
23) I Left My Heart in San Francisco
24) Piano Man

My goodness his music, total engagement of the crowd, energy level, and humor were captivating. The best thing was that I got to see it with Russ!

So, we had a wonderful evening! Now, I've just got to make a playlist on my ipod with all of these songs. :)

My Exodus from myself

So, we're studying Exodus this year in Bible Study. When I read the book this summer, I had no idea how it would relate to and help me. It just didn't seem too interesting or applicable- as contrasted to Revelation last year! However, as I'm studying more and more, I'm realizing I needed this study at this time. I have felt like each study of chapters has applied specifically and firmly to my life that week. I felt like Moses calling out in frustration about doing what the Lord had told him yet not getting the results he wanted and not right THEN. I needed that week's message of God's timing and my patience. I could go on for each week how I got an application, but it really struck me this week how most of us in my group all needed these particular chapters on God's provision, keeping His plan and not our own, fighting the enemy, the Lord hears us cry out, etc. We were all struggling in some capacity with those things in our lives this week.
I had mentioned to Russ how long and deep this 10 page study was for the week, and I mentioned one of the questions asked of us. "Where and how are you tempted to compromise in your obedience to God?" Russ replied, "How many pages do you have?" I loved that! How true it is. I just so want things MY way and want to do what I want even though I know it's wrong. When Russ came back from Asia with Anthony last Wed, I hadn't really been missing them or feeling like I needed them home. I loved having them back, but they could've stayed several more days, and I would've been fine. Then, we went through two days of them trying to get back into sleeping during the night and not the day. Then, it was just the adjustment of having two more people in the house. I felt like that was such a difficult adjustment for us. I had been independent for two weeks and doing things my way. Then, things change. Russ and Anthony, too, had to adjust to picking up after themselves since they weren't in a hotel any longer! MAN. I didn't anticipate those problems before they came home. It shook me... and I became resentful... and it grew with each sock I picked up, dish I washed, hour I didn't get to claim, etc. I kept getting scripture about humbling myself, serving, not being prideful, yet I couldn't help myself. I felt like I NEEDED to say spiteful things to Russ stemming from my frustration and anger. I didn't want to be a nagging Mom who had to keep reminding everyone to pick up after themselves (though I knew I couldn't do it for them or they would not learn). I was choosing for myself. I was grumbling inside and to those around me- like the Israelites did, and not to God. I read about the mistakes they made in grumbling to Moses, and I needed to get that reality check. It's not all about me. I'd love to think it is at times, but it's not. How many times can I run and jam to "So Long Self" before the message sinks in?
Anyway, I'm beginning what I hope is an exodus from myself. I hope it's a journey out of my world and into another. One where I can more often put God first and trust in his provisions and plan. Now, I'm surprised when God provides in response to my calling out to him. Yet he always does, and I have no reason to be surprised at all. Yet I am. Why is that? Doesn't history and faithfulness on His part prove that he will ALWAYS? That's a rhetorical question, of course. I just need to trust. And when he does answer me, I hope to remember, like Moses, to put a banner praising him.
That's where I am. I'm feeling pretty cruddy, but hopeful... Ashamed of how I can be so selfish, but inspired to change. I'm ready to humble myself and serve with a giving heart. Stand aside, pride! Let's hope this lasts for more than a day! :) That's not a very long journey.