Too Fast!!!

I cannot believe that Christmas is two days away!! No! Stop! I want it to be at least three more weeks until it comes. It's so much fun, and I just don't want it to end come Tuesday. I think it's hard to believe that it's so close because the weather has been so nice and I haven't been sequestered inside. We've been outside and at the park almost every day this month. We haven't had to slow down and just BE.

I love what I feel at Christmas. It's a flood of memories for me, and it just reminds me of pure love and warmth from my family. We traveled South to visit with family- driving all night. My sister and I would lie down in the station wagon and play games with the lights that tie dyed the roof. And giggle! We laughed so much at everything- probably from being overtired, and when we were done, we laughed at our own laughter. You know how you mock yourselves and laugh even harder that you end up crying? When that station wagon was no more, we went in my aunt's Cadillac. We went in a VW bug! Mom just wanted to go and got there however she could.

Christmas wasn't about gifts for me as much as traveling, being with family, and of course, food! When there wasn't food, we were blessed with others bringing us boxes of it. "Garbanzo beans? What are these, Mom?" She replied, "Wow! You will love them! We can try something new with them." I felt excited just looking in those boxes and bags and thinking about the new creations we'd enjoy. It felt like those boxes just kept coming in the door. I remember thinking, "MORE?" Now when I clean out the pantry to donate food, I usually go for those random cans I've had sitting for months. They are those garbanzo beans... chili...or whatever random cans of food I bought thinking "I may need these at SOME point." I wonder who will receive them and if they will feel the joy I once felt?

Before a trip in 6th grade down to Alabama, we opened gifts before leaving. I loved everything I opened and never once thought I wanted more. Looking back, it wasn't much, and it may have all been found in the toy aisle at the grocery store. My Mom was working three jobs, and I'm sure that didn't leave much time to shop. It wasn't until high school- maybe sophomore year- that I ever felt like I wanted more. I think then it was because opening gifts that morning went so fast and most were clothes. I distinctly only remember THAT particular year feeling like I wanted something more. It was short lived, as I just went next door to Jackie's and played with the surplus she received.

I feel like I have to defend my love of Christmas sometimes. I understand it's "commercialized" in many ways, but I guess for me it's so fulfilling that I don't see it. Do I notice the grandiose displays? Yes, absolutely. Do I look at them and feel repulsed? Certainly not! I feel warm, fuzzy, and glad for the celebration! I feel like sitting down in the mall beside the tree and just embracing that desire to be a kid again. I get giddy on the day we decorate and put up the tree. One year, it was on Nov. 1st, but on this year, it was Nov. 12th. :) Because Russ hates being a part of the process but loves the product, we put it up on a day off from school. Then, it wouldn't take away from weekend family time or interrupt a vacation day of his. So, we've had the tree up and on everyday since. I can't get enough of it!

Though I will admit that I felt a little busier this year, I think it's mostly because of wanting to be in school with my kids as much as offered and also being with my friends every moment I can! Because of that underlying family love that winds through what Christmas is for me, I want to be with the new "family" I have here as much as possible. I want to share and be surrounded by people who love me as much as possible. I do not share that yearning for travel to be with family like my Momma had. I would LOVE to have my family here, but I don't want to sacrifice being in my own home on Christmas. When the kids are older and their opinions are taken into account in that matter, I may change my mind. Until then, I'll not offer that option to them! I want to wake up, open gifts, and play in pj's until bedtime! That's what's fun for me, and I think it's fun for the kids, too!

Regarding gifts on Christmas, well, I LOVE TO GIVE! I love to give of myself, my time (on my terms), and gifts. However, I do NOT like to receive gifts. It makes me feel uncomfortable most of the time. I was given so much early in my life that I love now that I am in a position to give to someone else. It was last year that I learned to allow others to help ME and give of themselves. Not until a friend made me look at it from a different perspective and said, "You are denying them their opportunity to feel good." I have since been working on being better at receiving, though it's still difficult. Our tree has presents already spilling out from underneath, and Santa hasn't even come. That's the result of living away from family. I think it adds to the excitement for the kids! Every few days, there's another package added. What are they thinking? I actually just asked Anthony, and he said, "WOW!" "Well, I feel really lucky, and it makes me sad for the Dalit Children. It makes me feel like we're really lucky to have so many presents." So, this answer makes me feel good about what I'm teaching them! We give our toys to our neighbor who has twins, and my boys LOVE to go to their house and watch them play with the toys we gave them. We also will periodically (every few months) go through their rooms and playroom and purge the toys. What we don't give to our neighbor or friends, we give to charity. The boys actively participate in the whole process and always get excited about giving stuff away. I think that maybe next week when we're finding a place for the new toys that I'll start the tradition of purging and giving away that week after Christmas. I just don't want my kids to feel like what they have or don't have ever defines who they are; I guess so far their OK in that manner. I'll broach that again when I see a problem.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling now. My fingers are getting cold and that makes it difficult to type! Plus, I want to snuggle with the kids and watch Scooby Doo, so I'm a bit distracted. I just love Christmas. Of course, I am very aware and thoughtful about what it really means and is all about. Maybe I take it for granted that it may not be the norm to do so. To me, it's a no brainer.