I can't pinpoint with one word what I'm feeling right now. I'm a little of a lot of different emotions!
I just found myself browsing through photo albums posted by a high school friend on Facebook. I'm looking at the pictures of her with many of her friends at various times through childhood, Jr. high and high school, and I'm going through this time warp. She was part of a very popular group of girls. My recollection of this particular group was that they were tight friends and always together- and I belonged on the outside of it. I think in high school I was a small part of each group of kids or clicks, but this particular group really didn't like me too much. I didn't know why. I wasn't popular, and I thought that it was just unattainable to be a part of their group. I had no idea why, but I knew they didn't take in new kids. I wasn't hurt by this fact. I just knew of it. I was a happy high school girl! (Imagine that!) I liked who I was, my best friend, and how I knew many different people.
However, looking at the pictures today of her with these girls... They VACATIONED together since 7th grade! They were together each summer and each school day. Several went to college together and joined the same sorority! The had FAMILY ties between parents! In each dated picture, whatever the fashion, they wore it proudly. They were beautiful from 7th grade to college. They were always wrapped with arms around each other.
So, I sat looking and thinking... that's what I'm giving my kids now! I did not grow up with a mother who had friends who had children my age. She had single friends. She didn't really hang out with them too much outside of work, and we never vacationed with anyone but ourselves. I was asked to go with Amy's family to Canada, and I had SO much fun! But, we didn't really ask anyone to go with us anywhere. It was OUR family. So, because it's what I do, I began to think about how that might affect me today. Maybe that's why I didn't have a group of girlfriends until I graduated college? I have never felt a longing or regret for not having a GROUP of girlfriends. I've always had one or two really close friends at a time, and then, of course, a group of guy friends. But now, I have this incredible group of friends who make me so full of joy and growth. We encourage each other, lift each other up, and just love each other. My mom didn't really model that for me, but I'm not sure it was a big deal. It does make me sad that my mother didn't have that for herself. She may have at some point in her life but not after I was 5- when we moved to Ohio from Florida.
I was jealous yet enlightened looking at the pictures. Jealous of that wealthy, privileged life that afforded them and their families so many things... annual vacations... family get-togethers... trips... But I know that their friendship grew deep from early roots. There was no person who would enter their aged group that could really add much more. They weren't lacking in anything. I'm so amazed, and I so happy for them that their friendships continue to grow and hopefully will spawn roots of friendship deep within their kids, too. Wow... I am just kind of taken aback.
I treasure my two friendships from high school that I still maintain. Our parents didn't really hang out together. I think my Mom was probably a little off-putting to many people. She's a large personality, and I even have to pray before being around her for too long! I love her to death because she's my mom, but she's starved. Anyway, I can not fathom how these girls'- now ladies- had such intertwined lives and families. That is awesome!
We have moved many times, and I would really be happy living out my life here in California. I love the weather, my friends, and how it's so far away from where I grew up and who I was. I like to visit my old stomping grounds to reminisce, but it can be kind of overwhelming, too. I have made it on my own- with Russ' help, too, and I don't like thinking about my life as a poor child. There was a lot of shame and judgment at times. I felt tied down or suppressed in areas of my life and so much freer than peers in other areas. I like breaking those ties. I like that I flew away. I like that I became anew. I like that I have things opened up to me that my mom couldn't have dreamed of in her own life. It's not monetary per se, but just opportunity. Could my mom have volunteered at school? Could she have afforded for me to go to camp? No... It's not the things I can buy now with money but the doors it opens for me to invest my time and energy in beautiful ways. I can give my kids more of ME. I can give them friendships through the ones I have developed that will hopefully last a lifetime.
Anyway... I have so many things still in my heart and mind... I guess it boils down to happiness for what they had and continue to have, freedom in myself, some sadness, and so joy for where I am today... I'll ponder this for many days, I'm sure.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
What does it mean to be a Christian?
So in Leader's luncheon today, I chose to share my thoughts about Galatians. What follows is a total rambling rant. It does not flow well. I just needed to get it out.
We finished the study last week and started Colossians this week. It's all about love the way I see it. It's about the law not binding us and in turn making the death and resurrection of Jesus into nothing. You see, you can't live under the law and live under grace. You can't pick and choose what laws to follow, and you could never follow them all as we are sinners. Having faith in Jesus is what matters. It is by faith alone that we are saved. We are given salvation. Jesus will not love us more or less depending on what we do or do not do. We cannot cause him to not love us. I get that as "saved" Christians, we are filled with the Holy Spirit. We make that change to really live daily for the Lord, growing in knowledge of his will, growing in spiritual wisdom and understanding. We then want to follow the law out of love and not obligation. In following his law, we stand in his will- and under his showers of blessings as we hope to keep as little sin as possible between us. HOWEVER, we will always sin. We will never be sinless. We hope to choose not to sin, but we will fail- some more than others. Is it my place to define sin- to nitpick? Is it my place to keep track of who's sinning and how often? Is it my place to label someone a particular sinner and in turn pass judgement every time I see them and their label is read on my mind?
No it is not.
What am I to do? Love them. Bring them to Christ if they are not already there. If they are a believer and still sin, what do I do? Love them. Did Jesus go to the tax collector's house and think, "I'm with them. I'm so glad I do not steal from others and have that sin, but I will pray for these that do. I will eat with them to show them I love them. But, I'll try to convince them over and over that what they are doing is wrong. I will change them with them with words." No, he didn't. He ate with them. Simply because they were tax collectors and hated, this action was overwhelming that someone would CHOOSE to eat with them. I doubt he told them over and over at dinner what they were doing wrong. I tend to think they knew his love from the way he looked at them, felt it pouring from him, and were in awe at a man so loving. His spirit (like we are called to do with the Holy Spirit inside of us) softened their hearts and made them want to turn to good and know him. I bet just accepting them where they were and who they were began that thawing of their hearts. They had heard about him and stories of what he had been doing. To then realize that these things were true must've been amazing.
So, I wonder how people think judgement is our or is OK with certain offenses? How can we not pray as fervently for our friend who struggles with anger toward her husband as a child molester? Is it worse? Does God label our sins as worse than another? Are some not "in the bucket" of grace? How can that make sense to people? I do not care about what sin you are dealing with. I will love you, pray for you and want peace, grace, and healing for you. If I label you first, I may judge you. I may find myself conceited, boastful that I am not afflicted, or self-righteous. As ugly as someone else's sin may be, I think we're all the same. We all will deal with sin everyday. We will ask for help and find that we turn and do it the next minute. It's unfortunately who we are. However, Jesus died for the sins we committed, are committing and will commit in the future. He knew about them. He died for them.
I hate being confronted with close mindedness. Some may say it borders on tolerance (when did that become such an ugly word) to accept people as they are- even invite them into our church without wanting to "change them." I say invite them in, show them the love of Jesus Christ pouring out of you, eat with them, love them, talk to them, and God will do the rest. We are not called to judge, but we are called to love. You can be Christian, a saved believer and saint AND struggle every day with sin.... and even choose to do so. If you go to your deathbed being a homosexual or a preacher with a church under your feet, you are loved the same by our God. Does that both you? Do you want more? Why? Are you concerned about yourself and what sin YOU have to work on or change? Or are you more comfortable pointing out to others what they need to work on or change?
Why can't it be as simple as love? We are called to increase the number of believers, but that doesn't come by fear, hatred, condemnation, labeling or begrudging. It instead comes by being an example of Jesus Christ.
We finished the study last week and started Colossians this week. It's all about love the way I see it. It's about the law not binding us and in turn making the death and resurrection of Jesus into nothing. You see, you can't live under the law and live under grace. You can't pick and choose what laws to follow, and you could never follow them all as we are sinners. Having faith in Jesus is what matters. It is by faith alone that we are saved. We are given salvation. Jesus will not love us more or less depending on what we do or do not do. We cannot cause him to not love us. I get that as "saved" Christians, we are filled with the Holy Spirit. We make that change to really live daily for the Lord, growing in knowledge of his will, growing in spiritual wisdom and understanding. We then want to follow the law out of love and not obligation. In following his law, we stand in his will- and under his showers of blessings as we hope to keep as little sin as possible between us. HOWEVER, we will always sin. We will never be sinless. We hope to choose not to sin, but we will fail- some more than others. Is it my place to define sin- to nitpick? Is it my place to keep track of who's sinning and how often? Is it my place to label someone a particular sinner and in turn pass judgement every time I see them and their label is read on my mind?
No it is not.
What am I to do? Love them. Bring them to Christ if they are not already there. If they are a believer and still sin, what do I do? Love them. Did Jesus go to the tax collector's house and think, "I'm with them. I'm so glad I do not steal from others and have that sin, but I will pray for these that do. I will eat with them to show them I love them. But, I'll try to convince them over and over that what they are doing is wrong. I will change them with them with words." No, he didn't. He ate with them. Simply because they were tax collectors and hated, this action was overwhelming that someone would CHOOSE to eat with them. I doubt he told them over and over at dinner what they were doing wrong. I tend to think they knew his love from the way he looked at them, felt it pouring from him, and were in awe at a man so loving. His spirit (like we are called to do with the Holy Spirit inside of us) softened their hearts and made them want to turn to good and know him. I bet just accepting them where they were and who they were began that thawing of their hearts. They had heard about him and stories of what he had been doing. To then realize that these things were true must've been amazing.
So, I wonder how people think judgement is our or is OK with certain offenses? How can we not pray as fervently for our friend who struggles with anger toward her husband as a child molester? Is it worse? Does God label our sins as worse than another? Are some not "in the bucket" of grace? How can that make sense to people? I do not care about what sin you are dealing with. I will love you, pray for you and want peace, grace, and healing for you. If I label you first, I may judge you. I may find myself conceited, boastful that I am not afflicted, or self-righteous. As ugly as someone else's sin may be, I think we're all the same. We all will deal with sin everyday. We will ask for help and find that we turn and do it the next minute. It's unfortunately who we are. However, Jesus died for the sins we committed, are committing and will commit in the future. He knew about them. He died for them.
I hate being confronted with close mindedness. Some may say it borders on tolerance (when did that become such an ugly word) to accept people as they are- even invite them into our church without wanting to "change them." I say invite them in, show them the love of Jesus Christ pouring out of you, eat with them, love them, talk to them, and God will do the rest. We are not called to judge, but we are called to love. You can be Christian, a saved believer and saint AND struggle every day with sin.... and even choose to do so. If you go to your deathbed being a homosexual or a preacher with a church under your feet, you are loved the same by our God. Does that both you? Do you want more? Why? Are you concerned about yourself and what sin YOU have to work on or change? Or are you more comfortable pointing out to others what they need to work on or change?
Why can't it be as simple as love? We are called to increase the number of believers, but that doesn't come by fear, hatred, condemnation, labeling or begrudging. It instead comes by being an example of Jesus Christ.
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