Just kind of strange

I can't pinpoint with one word what I'm feeling right now. I'm a little of a lot of different emotions!

I just found myself browsing through photo albums posted by a high school friend on Facebook. I'm looking at the pictures of her with many of her friends at various times through childhood, Jr. high and high school, and I'm going through this time warp. She was part of a very popular group of girls. My recollection of this particular group was that they were tight friends and always together- and I belonged on the outside of it. I think in high school I was a small part of each group of kids or clicks, but this particular group really didn't like me too much. I didn't know why. I wasn't popular, and I thought that it was just unattainable to be a part of their group. I had no idea why, but I knew they didn't take in new kids. I wasn't hurt by this fact. I just knew of it. I was a happy high school girl! (Imagine that!) I liked who I was, my best friend, and how I knew many different people.

However, looking at the pictures today of her with these girls... They VACATIONED together since 7th grade! They were together each summer and each school day. Several went to college together and joined the same sorority! The had FAMILY ties between parents! In each dated picture, whatever the fashion, they wore it proudly. They were beautiful from 7th grade to college. They were always wrapped with arms around each other.

So, I sat looking and thinking... that's what I'm giving my kids now! I did not grow up with a mother who had friends who had children my age. She had single friends. She didn't really hang out with them too much outside of work, and we never vacationed with anyone but ourselves. I was asked to go with Amy's family to Canada, and I had SO much fun! But, we didn't really ask anyone to go with us anywhere. It was OUR family. So, because it's what I do, I began to think about how that might affect me today. Maybe that's why I didn't have a group of girlfriends until I graduated college? I have never felt a longing or regret for not having a GROUP of girlfriends. I've always had one or two really close friends at a time, and then, of course, a group of guy friends. But now, I have this incredible group of friends who make me so full of joy and growth. We encourage each other, lift each other up, and just love each other. My mom didn't really model that for me, but I'm not sure it was a big deal. It does make me sad that my mother didn't have that for herself. She may have at some point in her life but not after I was 5- when we moved to Ohio from Florida.

I was jealous yet enlightened looking at the pictures. Jealous of that wealthy, privileged life that afforded them and their families so many things... annual vacations... family get-togethers... trips... But I know that their friendship grew deep from early roots. There was no person who would enter their aged group that could really add much more. They weren't lacking in anything. I'm so amazed, and I so happy for them that their friendships continue to grow and hopefully will spawn roots of friendship deep within their kids, too. Wow... I am just kind of taken aback.

I treasure my two friendships from high school that I still maintain. Our parents didn't really hang out together. I think my Mom was probably a little off-putting to many people. She's a large personality, and I even have to pray before being around her for too long! I love her to death because she's my mom, but she's starved. Anyway, I can not fathom how these girls'- now ladies- had such intertwined lives and families. That is awesome!

We have moved many times, and I would really be happy living out my life here in California. I love the weather, my friends, and how it's so far away from where I grew up and who I was. I like to visit my old stomping grounds to reminisce, but it can be kind of overwhelming, too. I have made it on my own- with Russ' help, too, and I don't like thinking about my life as a poor child. There was a lot of shame and judgment at times. I felt tied down or suppressed in areas of my life and so much freer than peers in other areas. I like breaking those ties. I like that I flew away. I like that I became anew. I like that I have things opened up to me that my mom couldn't have dreamed of in her own life. It's not monetary per se, but just opportunity. Could my mom have volunteered at school? Could she have afforded for me to go to camp? No... It's not the things I can buy now with money but the doors it opens for me to invest my time and energy in beautiful ways. I can give my kids more of ME. I can give them friendships through the ones I have developed that will hopefully last a lifetime.

Anyway... I have so many things still in my heart and mind... I guess it boils down to happiness for what they had and continue to have, freedom in myself, some sadness, and so joy for where I am today... I'll ponder this for many days, I'm sure.