I am posting. Let me say that again... I am posting, people! (Like there are any actually reading this, but I like to say people.)
Hello.
My name is Verlana.
It has been 8 months since my last post.
(Crowd: Hello, Verlana...)
Yep. I have not taken the time to write on here, but helping Michelle last night made me remember how much fun it was to actually get it all out. I LOVE to talk. I am the extreme extrovert who needs and thoroughly enjoys being around people all of the time. I do not need much time to retreat and be alone. I'd prefer to be "alone" around people- ie. watching TV, doing something next to my husband while he does something like reading his mountain biking magazines... or grocery shopping alone, surrounded by people not related to me. I have had a diary off and on since 8th grade. There are several in college I have toyed with throwing away. I am so far from that person, and I can't believe I thought I was responsible and mature! However, I have to remember that it was that very person that made me into who I am today. I just pray that in the event of my death that my sister rushes to the house and nabs them. I do NOT want my boys reading them! :) Ok, that sounded very juvenile, but it's true. I thank God that my husband knew me in college and that we were great friends... he knew the good, the bad and the ugly V. (He loves Clint Eastwood western movies.)
What has been up, you ask, since November 2007? Nothing. Nothing at all.
Seriously, I don't even know where to begin. Maybe that's why I haven't begun in so long! I have these incredibly, lovely friends who listen to my rants and ramblings that I haven't really had much pent up inside. You can always check out the family blog- www.laraway.com - to see pictures and read a story about the family. But me? Well, I am so good. I am so happy. I am so at peace. I am so in love with my family. I want to eat my littlest son, Starks. I want to wrap my arms around Chas and hold him in my lap. I want to hold Anthony and relish in the fact that he doesn't yet push me away. And, I'm sure you know what I want to do to my husband. ;) Without him, I'd have none of the boys! I just think, "How did I get here?" How is it that there is so much misery in the world, yet I live this incredible life? I get to stay home with my kids. I get to play every day. I get to soak in the sun, the energy and the love all day. Who is more blessed?
I digress. Well, last year I had begun being a Children's Ministry leader, and I cannot even begin to describe how fed I was in Leaders. Being a women's group leader or children's leader, we had our own study on Tueday before leading on Thursday. Wow! I feel like I grew leaps and bounds in my understanding and relationship with God. I loved it. I ate it up! Everything that was said, shared and discussed was consumed by me. Again, how is it that I am able to be fed like this? Who am I?
So, I am excited to begin Leaders again and study. I almost feel guilty that I may be getting more out of it than I am putting into it. Putting into it feels so easy... like it's not a burden or anything. Anyway, it should be bittersweet to have my best friend not there. I am glad that she is going somewhere else, but I will certainly miss her every Tuesday. Maybe we'll still get a Starbucks together? Oh, the routines we so easily slip into!
My boys will be in full days of school this year, and I am already mourning. I am grieving the time I won't have with Chas already. I have had to keep putting it aside for God to handle and not dwell on it just yet. Then I think about it and get sad again. I am not at all the worrying type, but I am one to prepares... I prepare for almost all scenarios. Watch out camping... bee sting, open fracture, sucking chest wound- I've got the supplies! I think A LOT and am apt to jump into the future sometimes. I'm working on it being more like a hopscotch jump in that I don't linger but move on and come back to reality. With God's help, I am changing. All of that to say I will miss Chas. I will likely also enjoy the time I am afforded from 8-2! Not having to be at school at 12 and again at 2 will be nice. Maybe there's a part of me that would feel guilty if I let myself feel too happy about that. Hmm...
I have SO enjoyed our summer. It feels like I was rejuvenated this summer. The focus came back to family. We have done some very wonderful things, and we have had days of doing very little! It has all been good. In doing so much together, we have grown to know each other a little deeper and reconnected in an awesome way. I have great kids. My friend, Michelle, wrote about kids being kids and not adults. I also believe that kids will act with whatever personality God gave them. We can encourage them to behave in a way more acceptable in society and encourage them to change a negative behavior, but I was reminded that it wasn't until Russ was diagnosed with high blood pressure that he realized he needed to change his behavior to stress. It wasn't ok any more to throw the screwdriver in frustration when something wasn't fitting together, or to clench his fists and teeth like the Hulk when angry about something spilling or breaking... so, I can't expect my son who was created with the very same personality to change it as age 5 when it wasn't until age 32 for my husband! Now, again, I will continue to encourage him to choose the right reaction. I can give him the words. I can try to help him manage triggers. But, kids are who they are. Now, if my son's behavior was endangering others or affecting his esteem or whatever, then we'd be in counseling because I'm not sure what to do then! :) I love who my kids are becoming. I in no way want to rush time, but I think it's just going to keep getting better (actually I have to believe it) as they grow. I sometimes get glimpses in the boys of them at age 18. I can picture them in a certiain pose or stance and see them in that same position at 18. I love it and hate it.
Is it sad that I can't even just write about myself? It always comes back to my boys or our family. That is who I am mostly right now... a Mom. I love that title and feel very blessed to have been given the opportunity to claim it. It's all good.
Well, I could totally keep rambling- thus the title of my blog, but I feel like I should relax. Russ and the boys will be back soon from his soccer game. How cool that he took Anthony and Chas to watch him play tonight? It was an 8:15 game, so we'll see how tomorrow goes. We have no plans. We'll keep it low key and chill... or maybe I'll just make them a coffee! :)
I'm sure no one will really read this, but it's nice to write down. Life is full.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Too Fast!!!
I cannot believe that Christmas is two days away!! No! Stop! I want it to be at least three more weeks until it comes. It's so much fun, and I just don't want it to end come Tuesday. I think it's hard to believe that it's so close because the weather has been so nice and I haven't been sequestered inside. We've been outside and at the park almost every day this month. We haven't had to slow down and just BE.
I love what I feel at Christmas. It's a flood of memories for me, and it just reminds me of pure love and warmth from my family. We traveled South to visit with family- driving all night. My sister and I would lie down in the station wagon and play games with the lights that tie dyed the roof. And giggle! We laughed so much at everything- probably from being overtired, and when we were done, we laughed at our own laughter. You know how you mock yourselves and laugh even harder that you end up crying? When that station wagon was no more, we went in my aunt's Cadillac. We went in a VW bug! Mom just wanted to go and got there however she could.
Christmas wasn't about gifts for me as much as traveling, being with family, and of course, food! When there wasn't food, we were blessed with others bringing us boxes of it. "Garbanzo beans? What are these, Mom?" She replied, "Wow! You will love them! We can try something new with them." I felt excited just looking in those boxes and bags and thinking about the new creations we'd enjoy. It felt like those boxes just kept coming in the door. I remember thinking, "MORE?" Now when I clean out the pantry to donate food, I usually go for those random cans I've had sitting for months. They are those garbanzo beans... chili...or whatever random cans of food I bought thinking "I may need these at SOME point." I wonder who will receive them and if they will feel the joy I once felt?
Before a trip in 6th grade down to Alabama, we opened gifts before leaving. I loved everything I opened and never once thought I wanted more. Looking back, it wasn't much, and it may have all been found in the toy aisle at the grocery store. My Mom was working three jobs, and I'm sure that didn't leave much time to shop. It wasn't until high school- maybe sophomore year- that I ever felt like I wanted more. I think then it was because opening gifts that morning went so fast and most were clothes. I distinctly only remember THAT particular year feeling like I wanted something more. It was short lived, as I just went next door to Jackie's and played with the surplus she received.
I feel like I have to defend my love of Christmas sometimes. I understand it's "commercialized" in many ways, but I guess for me it's so fulfilling that I don't see it. Do I notice the grandiose displays? Yes, absolutely. Do I look at them and feel repulsed? Certainly not! I feel warm, fuzzy, and glad for the celebration! I feel like sitting down in the mall beside the tree and just embracing that desire to be a kid again. I get giddy on the day we decorate and put up the tree. One year, it was on Nov. 1st, but on this year, it was Nov. 12th. :) Because Russ hates being a part of the process but loves the product, we put it up on a day off from school. Then, it wouldn't take away from weekend family time or interrupt a vacation day of his. So, we've had the tree up and on everyday since. I can't get enough of it!
Though I will admit that I felt a little busier this year, I think it's mostly because of wanting to be in school with my kids as much as offered and also being with my friends every moment I can! Because of that underlying family love that winds through what Christmas is for me, I want to be with the new "family" I have here as much as possible. I want to share and be surrounded by people who love me as much as possible. I do not share that yearning for travel to be with family like my Momma had. I would LOVE to have my family here, but I don't want to sacrifice being in my own home on Christmas. When the kids are older and their opinions are taken into account in that matter, I may change my mind. Until then, I'll not offer that option to them! I want to wake up, open gifts, and play in pj's until bedtime! That's what's fun for me, and I think it's fun for the kids, too!
Regarding gifts on Christmas, well, I LOVE TO GIVE! I love to give of myself, my time (on my terms), and gifts. However, I do NOT like to receive gifts. It makes me feel uncomfortable most of the time. I was given so much early in my life that I love now that I am in a position to give to someone else. It was last year that I learned to allow others to help ME and give of themselves. Not until a friend made me look at it from a different perspective and said, "You are denying them their opportunity to feel good." I have since been working on being better at receiving, though it's still difficult. Our tree has presents already spilling out from underneath, and Santa hasn't even come. That's the result of living away from family. I think it adds to the excitement for the kids! Every few days, there's another package added. What are they thinking? I actually just asked Anthony, and he said, "WOW!" "Well, I feel really lucky, and it makes me sad for the Dalit Children. It makes me feel like we're really lucky to have so many presents." So, this answer makes me feel good about what I'm teaching them! We give our toys to our neighbor who has twins, and my boys LOVE to go to their house and watch them play with the toys we gave them. We also will periodically (every few months) go through their rooms and playroom and purge the toys. What we don't give to our neighbor or friends, we give to charity. The boys actively participate in the whole process and always get excited about giving stuff away. I think that maybe next week when we're finding a place for the new toys that I'll start the tradition of purging and giving away that week after Christmas. I just don't want my kids to feel like what they have or don't have ever defines who they are; I guess so far their OK in that manner. I'll broach that again when I see a problem.
Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling now. My fingers are getting cold and that makes it difficult to type! Plus, I want to snuggle with the kids and watch Scooby Doo, so I'm a bit distracted. I just love Christmas. Of course, I am very aware and thoughtful about what it really means and is all about. Maybe I take it for granted that it may not be the norm to do so. To me, it's a no brainer.
I love what I feel at Christmas. It's a flood of memories for me, and it just reminds me of pure love and warmth from my family. We traveled South to visit with family- driving all night. My sister and I would lie down in the station wagon and play games with the lights that tie dyed the roof. And giggle! We laughed so much at everything- probably from being overtired, and when we were done, we laughed at our own laughter. You know how you mock yourselves and laugh even harder that you end up crying? When that station wagon was no more, we went in my aunt's Cadillac. We went in a VW bug! Mom just wanted to go and got there however she could.
Christmas wasn't about gifts for me as much as traveling, being with family, and of course, food! When there wasn't food, we were blessed with others bringing us boxes of it. "Garbanzo beans? What are these, Mom?" She replied, "Wow! You will love them! We can try something new with them." I felt excited just looking in those boxes and bags and thinking about the new creations we'd enjoy. It felt like those boxes just kept coming in the door. I remember thinking, "MORE?" Now when I clean out the pantry to donate food, I usually go for those random cans I've had sitting for months. They are those garbanzo beans... chili...or whatever random cans of food I bought thinking "I may need these at SOME point." I wonder who will receive them and if they will feel the joy I once felt?
Before a trip in 6th grade down to Alabama, we opened gifts before leaving. I loved everything I opened and never once thought I wanted more. Looking back, it wasn't much, and it may have all been found in the toy aisle at the grocery store. My Mom was working three jobs, and I'm sure that didn't leave much time to shop. It wasn't until high school- maybe sophomore year- that I ever felt like I wanted more. I think then it was because opening gifts that morning went so fast and most were clothes. I distinctly only remember THAT particular year feeling like I wanted something more. It was short lived, as I just went next door to Jackie's and played with the surplus she received.
I feel like I have to defend my love of Christmas sometimes. I understand it's "commercialized" in many ways, but I guess for me it's so fulfilling that I don't see it. Do I notice the grandiose displays? Yes, absolutely. Do I look at them and feel repulsed? Certainly not! I feel warm, fuzzy, and glad for the celebration! I feel like sitting down in the mall beside the tree and just embracing that desire to be a kid again. I get giddy on the day we decorate and put up the tree. One year, it was on Nov. 1st, but on this year, it was Nov. 12th. :) Because Russ hates being a part of the process but loves the product, we put it up on a day off from school. Then, it wouldn't take away from weekend family time or interrupt a vacation day of his. So, we've had the tree up and on everyday since. I can't get enough of it!
Though I will admit that I felt a little busier this year, I think it's mostly because of wanting to be in school with my kids as much as offered and also being with my friends every moment I can! Because of that underlying family love that winds through what Christmas is for me, I want to be with the new "family" I have here as much as possible. I want to share and be surrounded by people who love me as much as possible. I do not share that yearning for travel to be with family like my Momma had. I would LOVE to have my family here, but I don't want to sacrifice being in my own home on Christmas. When the kids are older and their opinions are taken into account in that matter, I may change my mind. Until then, I'll not offer that option to them! I want to wake up, open gifts, and play in pj's until bedtime! That's what's fun for me, and I think it's fun for the kids, too!
Regarding gifts on Christmas, well, I LOVE TO GIVE! I love to give of myself, my time (on my terms), and gifts. However, I do NOT like to receive gifts. It makes me feel uncomfortable most of the time. I was given so much early in my life that I love now that I am in a position to give to someone else. It was last year that I learned to allow others to help ME and give of themselves. Not until a friend made me look at it from a different perspective and said, "You are denying them their opportunity to feel good." I have since been working on being better at receiving, though it's still difficult. Our tree has presents already spilling out from underneath, and Santa hasn't even come. That's the result of living away from family. I think it adds to the excitement for the kids! Every few days, there's another package added. What are they thinking? I actually just asked Anthony, and he said, "WOW!" "Well, I feel really lucky, and it makes me sad for the Dalit Children. It makes me feel like we're really lucky to have so many presents." So, this answer makes me feel good about what I'm teaching them! We give our toys to our neighbor who has twins, and my boys LOVE to go to their house and watch them play with the toys we gave them. We also will periodically (every few months) go through their rooms and playroom and purge the toys. What we don't give to our neighbor or friends, we give to charity. The boys actively participate in the whole process and always get excited about giving stuff away. I think that maybe next week when we're finding a place for the new toys that I'll start the tradition of purging and giving away that week after Christmas. I just don't want my kids to feel like what they have or don't have ever defines who they are; I guess so far their OK in that manner. I'll broach that again when I see a problem.
Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling now. My fingers are getting cold and that makes it difficult to type! Plus, I want to snuggle with the kids and watch Scooby Doo, so I'm a bit distracted. I just love Christmas. Of course, I am very aware and thoughtful about what it really means and is all about. Maybe I take it for granted that it may not be the norm to do so. To me, it's a no brainer.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Thanking the LORD
Let's recount...
Russ was gone two weeks in PA and Asia. After coming home, he worked until after 7 or 8 each night last week. By the time this weekend came around, I had been independent and running everything for three weeks. He had become an annoyance and definitely didn't do things how I wanted him to do them. Thus, I grew a bitter heart. I was critical of everything. We had a great time Saturday night, but I never really shook the resentment I had held onto.
So, Sunday while I stood in church, I started praying to God and confessing this sin of heart. I pleaded with him to "Create in me a clean heart, oh God." (Ps 51:10) I honestly just felt lighter. I felt like I nailed it and my burden was immediately taken away. But, it really wasn't... I had held on to a part of it.
That afternoon, I did my bible study and came downstairs to the boys having computer time and Daddy on the couch with his ever present laptop. (sigh) I snapped at him, told the boys to get off the computer (even though they were having fun), and brought everyone in the kitchen to make some gingerbread men cookies!! They had a ball, Anthony even helped me make dinner while Chas was doing his part of the cookies, and we were all happy. After dinner, Russ took the boys upstairs to play, and I stayed down to clean up. As I was cleaning, "Your love is extravagant" by Casting Crowns started playing. I immediately was overwhelmed with sadness at how I hadn't really trashed the dirty feelings, and I started to cry. Now, I don't cry often. In all honesty, I am pretty much happy most of the time, and if I'm sad, I don't have time to cry! :) So, it all came pouring out while I wiped the counters, the table, cleaned the stainless steel, etc. I even had to restart the song as I just needed to keep hearing those words. But, before I restarted the song, I almost stopped crying and continued to wipe down the trash can! I heard God ask me what I was doing. I replied, "I know! I don't know why!" So, I stayed in my crouched position sitting on the kitchen floor crying until I felt like it was all out.
While I had this moment, there was a lot of talking between God and me. It was back and forth. I think it wasn't just sadness that drained from me, but overwhelming joy that I was having this moment with him. It was awesome.
Starks had come downstairs to see me and asked why I was crying. He was the only one who saw me or knew about it. And he didn't tell anyone else. When I was done, I knew that I felt like Thanking God for his rescuing my heart and talking me through. I decided to fast.
I LOVE FOOD! I ALWAYS get irritable, shaky, headaches, or just feel plain nasty when I don't eat frequently enough. So, I eat frequently. I eat man sized portions! I rarely even go a day without dessert of some kind. I love it. I think the only reason I exercise sometimes is to support my eating habits! :) Anyway, since I had never really fasted, I asked a friend to do it with me. I prayed about it from Sunday on, and I asked my prayer partner to pray for me, too. My husband, my sons, my prayer partner, and Teresa (who was doing it with me) were the only people who knew about it.
Monday was a day off from school for the boys, so we headed to SF Zoo with friends (four other families). It was gorgeous weather, loads of fun, and just a great day. I had pictured my day before fasting as making sure I ate enough for two days! :) However, it didn't really go that way at all! I ate a big bowl of granola and berries for breakfast, 3/4 of a pbj & some goldfish crackers at lunch, two cubes of sweet potatoes (they jumped from the dish, and I saved them), and five bites of pork tenderloin. I made dinner for a friend, so I had to try out the meat before taking it to her... five times. Anyway, after dropping off the meal, I stopped at T's to say "Hello" before heading home. I have NO idea WHAT I was thinking. I never stop in at a friend's house; I stay for a while. Well, I came out to get in the van, and the sun was down. No dinner for me.
We came home, and I made dinner for everyone else. Russ got home at 7:00, and after putting the boys to bed, I took a bath to focus on what was ahead. He went downstairs to sit in front of the TV. When I joined him at 8:15, he was already asleep! What a blessing because I was feeling mighty tired, too! I went to bed around 9, and I slept so well. When I awoke, I felt great. In fact, I felt awesome the entire day!?!?!? I actually could not stop smiling, I felt like I was radiating, and I was so peaceful inside. Strange. I had maybe two times of feeling for a second a hunger pang- when I smelled the dinner in the crockpot on our arrival home and one time in Leader's, but I think that was the way I was sitting all bent over. I never was shaky. I wasn't lightheaded. I wasn't weak.
I WAS, however, obsessed with realizing how great I felt. I had told God that for every time I thought about food I would thank him for something. I did A LOT of thanking today! And I loved it! I loved talking to him 24/7. I loved praying when I felt hungry or like I was obsessing about something or doubting. I honestly was not even hungry when dinnertime came around. I ate because I felt like I should. I laugh sitting here now because there was no drama!!! It was easy. Why? Because God made it that way. Because he helped me (and I actually asked) and stayed near me all day. Because for once in my life I did a pretty good job making it all about Him. I almost felt like when I did start eating that I lost a part of that feeling. The feeling of closeness. It definitely encourages me to do it again. THANK YOU, LORD!!!!
Your Love is Extravagant!
Russ was gone two weeks in PA and Asia. After coming home, he worked until after 7 or 8 each night last week. By the time this weekend came around, I had been independent and running everything for three weeks. He had become an annoyance and definitely didn't do things how I wanted him to do them. Thus, I grew a bitter heart. I was critical of everything. We had a great time Saturday night, but I never really shook the resentment I had held onto.
So, Sunday while I stood in church, I started praying to God and confessing this sin of heart. I pleaded with him to "Create in me a clean heart, oh God." (Ps 51:10) I honestly just felt lighter. I felt like I nailed it and my burden was immediately taken away. But, it really wasn't... I had held on to a part of it.
That afternoon, I did my bible study and came downstairs to the boys having computer time and Daddy on the couch with his ever present laptop. (sigh) I snapped at him, told the boys to get off the computer (even though they were having fun), and brought everyone in the kitchen to make some gingerbread men cookies!! They had a ball, Anthony even helped me make dinner while Chas was doing his part of the cookies, and we were all happy. After dinner, Russ took the boys upstairs to play, and I stayed down to clean up. As I was cleaning, "Your love is extravagant" by Casting Crowns started playing. I immediately was overwhelmed with sadness at how I hadn't really trashed the dirty feelings, and I started to cry. Now, I don't cry often. In all honesty, I am pretty much happy most of the time, and if I'm sad, I don't have time to cry! :) So, it all came pouring out while I wiped the counters, the table, cleaned the stainless steel, etc. I even had to restart the song as I just needed to keep hearing those words. But, before I restarted the song, I almost stopped crying and continued to wipe down the trash can! I heard God ask me what I was doing. I replied, "I know! I don't know why!" So, I stayed in my crouched position sitting on the kitchen floor crying until I felt like it was all out.
While I had this moment, there was a lot of talking between God and me. It was back and forth. I think it wasn't just sadness that drained from me, but overwhelming joy that I was having this moment with him. It was awesome.
Starks had come downstairs to see me and asked why I was crying. He was the only one who saw me or knew about it. And he didn't tell anyone else. When I was done, I knew that I felt like Thanking God for his rescuing my heart and talking me through. I decided to fast.
I LOVE FOOD! I ALWAYS get irritable, shaky, headaches, or just feel plain nasty when I don't eat frequently enough. So, I eat frequently. I eat man sized portions! I rarely even go a day without dessert of some kind. I love it. I think the only reason I exercise sometimes is to support my eating habits! :) Anyway, since I had never really fasted, I asked a friend to do it with me. I prayed about it from Sunday on, and I asked my prayer partner to pray for me, too. My husband, my sons, my prayer partner, and Teresa (who was doing it with me) were the only people who knew about it.
Monday was a day off from school for the boys, so we headed to SF Zoo with friends (four other families). It was gorgeous weather, loads of fun, and just a great day. I had pictured my day before fasting as making sure I ate enough for two days! :) However, it didn't really go that way at all! I ate a big bowl of granola and berries for breakfast, 3/4 of a pbj & some goldfish crackers at lunch, two cubes of sweet potatoes (they jumped from the dish, and I saved them), and five bites of pork tenderloin. I made dinner for a friend, so I had to try out the meat before taking it to her... five times. Anyway, after dropping off the meal, I stopped at T's to say "Hello" before heading home. I have NO idea WHAT I was thinking. I never stop in at a friend's house; I stay for a while. Well, I came out to get in the van, and the sun was down. No dinner for me.
We came home, and I made dinner for everyone else. Russ got home at 7:00, and after putting the boys to bed, I took a bath to focus on what was ahead. He went downstairs to sit in front of the TV. When I joined him at 8:15, he was already asleep! What a blessing because I was feeling mighty tired, too! I went to bed around 9, and I slept so well. When I awoke, I felt great. In fact, I felt awesome the entire day!?!?!? I actually could not stop smiling, I felt like I was radiating, and I was so peaceful inside. Strange. I had maybe two times of feeling for a second a hunger pang- when I smelled the dinner in the crockpot on our arrival home and one time in Leader's, but I think that was the way I was sitting all bent over. I never was shaky. I wasn't lightheaded. I wasn't weak.
I WAS, however, obsessed with realizing how great I felt. I had told God that for every time I thought about food I would thank him for something. I did A LOT of thanking today! And I loved it! I loved talking to him 24/7. I loved praying when I felt hungry or like I was obsessing about something or doubting. I honestly was not even hungry when dinnertime came around. I ate because I felt like I should. I laugh sitting here now because there was no drama!!! It was easy. Why? Because God made it that way. Because he helped me (and I actually asked) and stayed near me all day. Because for once in my life I did a pretty good job making it all about Him. I almost felt like when I did start eating that I lost a part of that feeling. The feeling of closeness. It definitely encourages me to do it again. THANK YOU, LORD!!!!
Your Love is Extravagant!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
BILLY JOEL!!!!
Wow! Russ and I went to see Billy Joel last night at the Oracle Coliseum in Oakland. What an awesome show. It was a bit humorous walking in and noticing the crowd. Oh how things have changed! First of all, the majority of the heads showed at least SOME gray. Then, I saw many people walking with big water cups in their hands instead of beer (myself included). It was just not what I saw when I was younger. I've seen U2, Metallica, Alice in Chains, Van Halen, Jimmy Buffet, Paul McCartney, Guns N Roses, Aerosmith, Rush, REM, Hootie & The Blowfish, Bush, No Doubt, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Indigo Girls, Heart, George Clinton and the P Funk Allstars, lots of college bands, and of course, Sesame Street Live. :) (My first concert was Tears for Fears in 7th grade.) But, when Billy Joel came to town I was either not there, the show sold out immediately, or I didn't have enough money! Billy Joel is one of those artists that I have always really enjoyed and have always wanted to see live. I had a 45 of "Just the Way You Are" at age 5 that I played constantly.
Anyway, it was great. Even though we were WAY up there in the 200 section and sat the entire concert, it totally rocked! The show started with the piano rising up through the stage and him playing "Angry Young Man." The rest of the show is as follows:
2) My Life
3) Everybody Loves You Now
4) The Entertainer
5) Downeaster Alexa
6) Allentown
7) Zanzibar (52nd Street)
8) New York State of Mind
9) Root Beer Rap? Raft?
10) Movin' Out
11) Innocent Man
12) Don't Ask Me Why
13) She's Always a Woman
14) Keepin' the Faith
15) River of Dreams
16) Highway to Hell - AC/DC, sung by one of his long-time roadies
named Chainsaw - funny. "If you don't like it, you can boo him right
the hell off the stage" - Billy Joel
17) We Didn't Start the Fire
18) Big Shot
19) It's Still Rock n Roll to Me
20) You May be Right
ENCORE
21) Scenes from an Italian Restaurant
22) Only the Good Die Young
23) I Left My Heart in San Francisco
24) Piano Man
My goodness his music, total engagement of the crowd, energy level, and humor were captivating. The best thing was that I got to see it with Russ!
So, we had a wonderful evening! Now, I've just got to make a playlist on my ipod with all of these songs. :)
Anyway, it was great. Even though we were WAY up there in the 200 section and sat the entire concert, it totally rocked! The show started with the piano rising up through the stage and him playing "Angry Young Man." The rest of the show is as follows:
2) My Life
3) Everybody Loves You Now
4) The Entertainer
5) Downeaster Alexa
6) Allentown
7) Zanzibar (52nd Street)
8) New York State of Mind
9) Root Beer Rap? Raft?
10) Movin' Out
11) Innocent Man
12) Don't Ask Me Why
13) She's Always a Woman
14) Keepin' the Faith
15) River of Dreams
16) Highway to Hell - AC/DC, sung by one of his long-time roadies
named Chainsaw - funny. "If you don't like it, you can boo him right
the hell off the stage" - Billy Joel
17) We Didn't Start the Fire
18) Big Shot
19) It's Still Rock n Roll to Me
20) You May be Right
ENCORE
21) Scenes from an Italian Restaurant
22) Only the Good Die Young
23) I Left My Heart in San Francisco
24) Piano Man
My goodness his music, total engagement of the crowd, energy level, and humor were captivating. The best thing was that I got to see it with Russ!
So, we had a wonderful evening! Now, I've just got to make a playlist on my ipod with all of these songs. :)
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
My Exodus from myself
So, we're studying Exodus this year in Bible Study. When I read the book this summer, I had no idea how it would relate to and help me. It just didn't seem too interesting or applicable- as contrasted to Revelation last year! However, as I'm studying more and more, I'm realizing I needed this study at this time. I have felt like each study of chapters has applied specifically and firmly to my life that week. I felt like Moses calling out in frustration about doing what the Lord had told him yet not getting the results he wanted and not right THEN. I needed that week's message of God's timing and my patience. I could go on for each week how I got an application, but it really struck me this week how most of us in my group all needed these particular chapters on God's provision, keeping His plan and not our own, fighting the enemy, the Lord hears us cry out, etc. We were all struggling in some capacity with those things in our lives this week.
I had mentioned to Russ how long and deep this 10 page study was for the week, and I mentioned one of the questions asked of us. "Where and how are you tempted to compromise in your obedience to God?" Russ replied, "How many pages do you have?" I loved that! How true it is. I just so want things MY way and want to do what I want even though I know it's wrong. When Russ came back from Asia with Anthony last Wed, I hadn't really been missing them or feeling like I needed them home. I loved having them back, but they could've stayed several more days, and I would've been fine. Then, we went through two days of them trying to get back into sleeping during the night and not the day. Then, it was just the adjustment of having two more people in the house. I felt like that was such a difficult adjustment for us. I had been independent for two weeks and doing things my way. Then, things change. Russ and Anthony, too, had to adjust to picking up after themselves since they weren't in a hotel any longer! MAN. I didn't anticipate those problems before they came home. It shook me... and I became resentful... and it grew with each sock I picked up, dish I washed, hour I didn't get to claim, etc. I kept getting scripture about humbling myself, serving, not being prideful, yet I couldn't help myself. I felt like I NEEDED to say spiteful things to Russ stemming from my frustration and anger. I didn't want to be a nagging Mom who had to keep reminding everyone to pick up after themselves (though I knew I couldn't do it for them or they would not learn). I was choosing for myself. I was grumbling inside and to those around me- like the Israelites did, and not to God. I read about the mistakes they made in grumbling to Moses, and I needed to get that reality check. It's not all about me. I'd love to think it is at times, but it's not. How many times can I run and jam to "So Long Self" before the message sinks in?
Anyway, I'm beginning what I hope is an exodus from myself. I hope it's a journey out of my world and into another. One where I can more often put God first and trust in his provisions and plan. Now, I'm surprised when God provides in response to my calling out to him. Yet he always does, and I have no reason to be surprised at all. Yet I am. Why is that? Doesn't history and faithfulness on His part prove that he will ALWAYS? That's a rhetorical question, of course. I just need to trust. And when he does answer me, I hope to remember, like Moses, to put a banner praising him.
That's where I am. I'm feeling pretty cruddy, but hopeful... Ashamed of how I can be so selfish, but inspired to change. I'm ready to humble myself and serve with a giving heart. Stand aside, pride! Let's hope this lasts for more than a day! :) That's not a very long journey.
I had mentioned to Russ how long and deep this 10 page study was for the week, and I mentioned one of the questions asked of us. "Where and how are you tempted to compromise in your obedience to God?" Russ replied, "How many pages do you have?" I loved that! How true it is. I just so want things MY way and want to do what I want even though I know it's wrong. When Russ came back from Asia with Anthony last Wed, I hadn't really been missing them or feeling like I needed them home. I loved having them back, but they could've stayed several more days, and I would've been fine. Then, we went through two days of them trying to get back into sleeping during the night and not the day. Then, it was just the adjustment of having two more people in the house. I felt like that was such a difficult adjustment for us. I had been independent for two weeks and doing things my way. Then, things change. Russ and Anthony, too, had to adjust to picking up after themselves since they weren't in a hotel any longer! MAN. I didn't anticipate those problems before they came home. It shook me... and I became resentful... and it grew with each sock I picked up, dish I washed, hour I didn't get to claim, etc. I kept getting scripture about humbling myself, serving, not being prideful, yet I couldn't help myself. I felt like I NEEDED to say spiteful things to Russ stemming from my frustration and anger. I didn't want to be a nagging Mom who had to keep reminding everyone to pick up after themselves (though I knew I couldn't do it for them or they would not learn). I was choosing for myself. I was grumbling inside and to those around me- like the Israelites did, and not to God. I read about the mistakes they made in grumbling to Moses, and I needed to get that reality check. It's not all about me. I'd love to think it is at times, but it's not. How many times can I run and jam to "So Long Self" before the message sinks in?
Anyway, I'm beginning what I hope is an exodus from myself. I hope it's a journey out of my world and into another. One where I can more often put God first and trust in his provisions and plan. Now, I'm surprised when God provides in response to my calling out to him. Yet he always does, and I have no reason to be surprised at all. Yet I am. Why is that? Doesn't history and faithfulness on His part prove that he will ALWAYS? That's a rhetorical question, of course. I just need to trust. And when he does answer me, I hope to remember, like Moses, to put a banner praising him.
That's where I am. I'm feeling pretty cruddy, but hopeful... Ashamed of how I can be so selfish, but inspired to change. I'm ready to humble myself and serve with a giving heart. Stand aside, pride! Let's hope this lasts for more than a day! :) That's not a very long journey.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Holy Frijoles
So, I'm emailing my Children's Ministry leader last night, and I am thinking to myself, "Why are they wrestling in bed?" Then, I realize Chas and Starks are NOT wrestling, rather we're having an earthquake. I try to recall what I'm supposed to do... frozen between running upstairs to get the kids, staying in the doorway, or running outside to see what's going on (until I realize I'm in my underwear). My heart was racing 90 mph, my legs were shaking, and the rest of my body was trembling. I stood in the doorway of the office watching my house undulate and rock as if it were a ship instead of a home. The noises were EERIE, and the rumbling was loud. I heard the beds upstairs banging against the wall, yet nothing was moving or shaking downstairs. I stood frozen in fear for 15 seconds at least. Then, I immediately tried to ping Russ- still in Japan with Anthony, and I had to retype my words many times over. My hands were so unsteady that I couldn't hit the keys correctly. He called me right away and helped me to work through what had happened and what I needed to do. I think he mainly was impressed the house performed just like it was supposed to. ;) The foundation is under tension and is designed to make the house move like a big block- all one piece. Think of a glass of water tipping over, though... the bottom barely shifts, but as you move up to the rim, it's really tipping up there. SO, I think most of the rocking and noise was from upstairs alone. Our bedside table drawers were all opened, some things shifted, a picture off of a hanger, and a box of cards on the floor. Other than that, I prayed and thanked God (after talking to Russ) that nothing had really been harmed or destroyed. The best part was the boys slept through it ALL! They hadn't even been asleep but maybe 3". Crazy. I was so thankful because I would've most certainly projected my fear onto them.
I felt ashamed at first that I was so fearful. It's like we all know that our goal is eternity in heaven, but we don't really want to get there any time soon. I was afraid being totally responsible for our kids. Our house is usually our safe place and place of rest and peace, but not in an earthquake! I was afraid of what may happen after the first earthquake. Would another come that was greater? Would aftershocks be like the first? How many? Should I sleep in the kids' room? I just kept praying for peace in my heart. I honestly felt like a little kid again totally overwhelmed with fear and almost paralyzed. I did NOT like feeling that way and can't remember when I last did- if at all.
THEN, the mayor of San Jose who lives at the epicenter says "yeah, but it's not the big one." SON OF A BOOGER! The way I felt, that was not at ALL reassuring to me.... seeing as it felt mighty big to me as I watched my floor literally tilt in front of me. Whew.
Anyway, all is well here. I talked to my neighbor and Amy that night, too- both of whom are also alone without husbands, and I was feeling a little better about the whole event before I went to bed. I did sleep with my cell phone- and pj bottoms near by- in case it happened again. I woke about every hour or so, though I slept well in between! :)
Ahhh.... Russ and Anthony are now home, and a part of me is relaxed and calmer with him around. Life is good. :)
I felt ashamed at first that I was so fearful. It's like we all know that our goal is eternity in heaven, but we don't really want to get there any time soon. I was afraid being totally responsible for our kids. Our house is usually our safe place and place of rest and peace, but not in an earthquake! I was afraid of what may happen after the first earthquake. Would another come that was greater? Would aftershocks be like the first? How many? Should I sleep in the kids' room? I just kept praying for peace in my heart. I honestly felt like a little kid again totally overwhelmed with fear and almost paralyzed. I did NOT like feeling that way and can't remember when I last did- if at all.
THEN, the mayor of San Jose who lives at the epicenter says "yeah, but it's not the big one." SON OF A BOOGER! The way I felt, that was not at ALL reassuring to me.... seeing as it felt mighty big to me as I watched my floor literally tilt in front of me. Whew.
Anyway, all is well here. I talked to my neighbor and Amy that night, too- both of whom are also alone without husbands, and I was feeling a little better about the whole event before I went to bed. I did sleep with my cell phone- and pj bottoms near by- in case it happened again. I woke about every hour or so, though I slept well in between! :)
Ahhh.... Russ and Anthony are now home, and a part of me is relaxed and calmer with him around. Life is good. :)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
The time away speaks volumes
Well, I know it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I posted. I started this thinking it could really help me sort things out, but I found that lately other things and people have helped in that area. Considering my evenings and days are full, I have seen posting as another task. It wasn't until today, when Steph found and commented on my blog, that I thought about how long it's been!
So.... The runs went very well leading up to the race. In fact, I loved them. I so enjoyed processing externally with Amy as we spent 2 hours together in the mornings. I also enjoyed running with Melinda for a couple of long ones (12 and 8 miles), but we're not close friends. It just made it different. She was business. Amy and I just thought of it as time together. I think running with Melinda, though, took my mindset to a different place. I began to think of the run as a way to push myself and not as just an enjoyable run with friends. I thought about what I wanted from it. I wanted to do well. The competitive side crept up in me, and I wanted to win above all of my friends. When race day came, I had told Melinda I'd meet up with her in corral 9, and when I arrived in the packed, roped in area, there was no way I'd ever find her. However, at that time, there was no way I'd find any of my other friends, either, in the corrals behind me! So, I stayed packed in among unfamiliar runners, chuckling to myself. The craziness! The people motivated to do this all running together.... how my preparation made me think of it as just another morning run while others were eating salt packets... how the energy was palpable... how the music had started and I was about to run... it was all so awesome. I 'd run 5K's before but never a race with more than 8000 people! When I started, I felt like I was running fast to find Melinda in the thinning multitude. I surprisingly caught up with her running/talking with another woman she'd met while in the corral. (What an appropriate name!) We then started our run together. We chatted and caught up in the beginning, but as I settled into my pace, I stopped talking almost altogether. I found the people almost too distracting. They were always in front of me! :) Just like I drive, I felt like I needed to be in front of everyone or at least not have them so close in front of me. It was a game in the beginning as the crowd was thicker of how I'd get around them- the most direct line, to not go around one just to be stuck immediately behind another, to not trip anyone up, etc. I was actually feeling pretty tired around mile 6. I felt it in my calves. My muscles were just TIRED. But, I pushed through, and realized I was making pretty good time. I had told Russ I'd be passing a corner at mile 6 AND 11.1, and I wrote down my estimates on the times I'd be there. I was RIGHT ON! It was nice to see him and the boys there. I wanted the boys to see what a race was like. They honestly thought I was running to win! :) Anyway, the bands were mostly OK. There was a long span of no bands at all. The cheerleaders were nice, but Amy said afterwards that the runners, cheerleaders and bands got on her nerves. Upon hearing that, I realized I had felt that way a little, too. I came to think about what I loved about running at 6am was the open road, no one around, zoning out on the horizon, and thinking, "Most people are sleeping, and when they awake, I will have run 12 miles!" I didn't like not seeing far in front of me. Anyway, I lost Melinda around mile 8 or 9. She just wasn't behind me anymore. I found $20 at a drink station that someone had dropped, but it wasn't like I could ask, "Did anyone lose this?" as they all ran by. :) Jenni later said it was my own prize money! So, I struggled mentally from mile 10-11 to the end. I was hot, I was running on empty, and I was alone. However, when I turned down those last 6 blocks before the finish line, a GREAT band was playing "Been a long time since I rock and rolled" by Led Zep. I LOVE Led Zep, and it was so motivating. I had no energy to kick it up a notch, though, but I was jamming in my head. When I turned, saw I had only two more blocks and the finish line was ahead, I then sped up. I sprinted the last 100 feet or so, and my end time was 2:12. That's a 10" mile for 13.1 miles! I was SO proud of myself. I didn't stop. I didn't let my mind get the best of me. I kept a fast pace for 13.1 miles!! (And, I beat out all of my friends.) I know that sounds awful, but it felt good. I felt like I had really trained for this, and I felt like I then knew that I wasn't going to do a full marathon any time soon! I felt great afterwards... no GI issues... not too sore... not too tired... I was happy! I think standing around for another 45" to see everyone else finish helped A LOT. I had cooled down, relaxed, etc. It was a great day. And, the medal is SO cool!
So, leading up the Rock N Roll 1/2 Marathon, it was a lot of running- 4 days a week. It was researching private schools for Anthony. It was Bible Study and Leaders. It was birthdays, parties, appointments, visiting schools, working in classrooms, Anthony's football started. I was feeling quite crazy, but mostly because of the praying about, researching and debating private vs. public schools and the fact that Starks decided to move out of his crib. My home was SO chaotic during that time of switching beds and rooms with stuff and furniture everywhere that my mind felt 100X more chaotic than my house looked. Plus, I was not confronting the mourning and feelings I had about Starks moving out of that phase of his little life. My last son and baby no longer needed a monitor. He no longer could be made to sleep. I packed away crib sheets, the crib music player, furniture. I had no warning like I did with Anthony and Chas. They were just 3, and it was time to be in a toddler bed. Starks just realized he could climb out and didn't have to stay in there. HE had made the decision, not me. That's not easy for me to come to terms with. It symbolized his now growing independence from me, and I didn't see it coming this soon. Plus, it's fine when it's something I want like going pee and poop on the potty. But, when it doesn't help me, then it's more adjustment and distress. That led to feeling selfish... it was a big ball tumbling and collecting things that made me feel more stressed and upset.
Studying in Exodus has been a good thing, though. I've really gotten much more out of than I ever imagined. It's always different in a study when you read a passage over and over and over. You really begin to see God's words and what they mean. Plus, being in Leader's is very rich and meaty!
That leads me to lately. Since the run, I took last week off in regards to exercise. Russ took Starks from Thursday to Saturday with him to Philly to see MomMom and Pop while Russ interviewed candidates for Google at Wharton. I had some great time with just the older boys and no nap schedule. Russ and Starks arrived home on Saturday, and we had just enough time to stop for dinner, stop at Google to pick up Russ' passport/visa, and make it home for bath and bed. Sunday we skipped church (SO rare for us) to spend time together and enjoy our full day before Russ and Anthony left for Asia. Anthony had another football game, and it's so awesome to see him and Russ out there enjoying it together. (Anthony does very well for his age group. Football's tough to learn. ) Anyway, the two older guys left Monday- we let Chas stay home from school- for Korea. I had people pray for me this week that I would embrace this time as time with the kids and not time to get things done. I wanted prayer for our time to be blessed and really special together- as well as Daddy's and Anthony's. I have since learned a couple of things I'd been worried about. I realized I do not intervene early enough for Chas. I don't stop the situation/conflict early, as I hope they will resolve themselves and/or I am busy doing something else. I think in hoping they can get it resolved, when it doesn't, I set him up for failure. He gets angry, his reaction is reprimanded, and he feels bad about himself. Russ is constantly telling people when they ask why we stopped at three kids that "because two didn't seem like enough, and three seems almost like too much." I don't like that answer. It bothers me for some reason. It's not like he's saying he would change anything, but I just don't like it. Well, in coming to terms with some things while alone with Chas and Starks, I have also come to realize that I don't like it probably because it's a little true. I think that when all three are together, there are so many pots in the fire that one's nudged out to the coals a little bit. Even though Anthony is older, fairly self sufficient, and responsible, I think he can dominate a lot. Then, Chas, who's self imposed stress of wanting/needing to be equal to his brother makes him frustrated, is battling for my ear, my attention, my praise, my time, my everything! Starks is easy to figure out being so young. He just NEEDS more attention since he's two. I have to always keep my eye on him. That only leaves one other eye. I think it'll always be a shifting of priorities and a struggle to get all of their love buckets full. I think I never wanted to face it or believe it because I didn't want to admit that I may be failing a lot here and there. Wow... that's SO tough! I know that no family is perfect or leaves a child completely met in every way. That's been comforting as I've gotten older to just hear more and more how no one's family was perfect. But, I think I've thought in the back of my head that I could be the first to make it happen! :)
When I think back at MY life as a child, I am amazed that God's hand guided me so much. That I turned out remotely normal is a miracle. Not that it was so crazy or abusive or destitute, but I think God let my eyes see what he wanted, my ears here what he wanted, and my mind record what he wanted. My sister wasn't so blessed. I crept out from his umbrella of protection for so many years... but he chased me around protecting me just enough, you know? Now, I think I've come to this part of my life where my friends are incredible. My family is strong. My worldly life is good. My spiritual life is awesome and always getting better. I just feel overwhelmingly blessed that I don't know what to do with that. I don't know in what way I'm to bless others. I feel like every week at Bible Study that I get to love on, tickle, cuddle and enjoy other kids. I think that's a way of blessing others. I get to love their kids while they're away. I get to teach these little guys about God's love and how it never goes away. But, I think in doing those things, it's just another blessing for ME and not as much as giving to others. So, I guess I need prayer with that. Should we do missions at some point? Anthony is LOVING being in Asia. About Korea, he said, "I love the people. I love the country. I love the food. I can't wait to come back." :) I think he's got a young heart for others. I don't know. I've never known anyone close how has done them, and I don't know how to get involved. I don't even know how it all works. I guess if I'm to know, the information will come to me! I need to listen for the Lord.
THEN, on top of all that, Russ got promoted to Director! Wow... life is just so good.
So, I'm at home waiting for Starks to finally give in and fall asleep for his nap. Chas is watching Scooby Doo (his usual when he's tired after school and the park). I should probably take this time to snuggle with him and watch this movie for the 4th time. :)
Thank you, Jesus for your everlasting love.
So.... The runs went very well leading up to the race. In fact, I loved them. I so enjoyed processing externally with Amy as we spent 2 hours together in the mornings. I also enjoyed running with Melinda for a couple of long ones (12 and 8 miles), but we're not close friends. It just made it different. She was business. Amy and I just thought of it as time together. I think running with Melinda, though, took my mindset to a different place. I began to think of the run as a way to push myself and not as just an enjoyable run with friends. I thought about what I wanted from it. I wanted to do well. The competitive side crept up in me, and I wanted to win above all of my friends. When race day came, I had told Melinda I'd meet up with her in corral 9, and when I arrived in the packed, roped in area, there was no way I'd ever find her. However, at that time, there was no way I'd find any of my other friends, either, in the corrals behind me! So, I stayed packed in among unfamiliar runners, chuckling to myself. The craziness! The people motivated to do this all running together.... how my preparation made me think of it as just another morning run while others were eating salt packets... how the energy was palpable... how the music had started and I was about to run... it was all so awesome. I 'd run 5K's before but never a race with more than 8000 people! When I started, I felt like I was running fast to find Melinda in the thinning multitude. I surprisingly caught up with her running/talking with another woman she'd met while in the corral. (What an appropriate name!) We then started our run together. We chatted and caught up in the beginning, but as I settled into my pace, I stopped talking almost altogether. I found the people almost too distracting. They were always in front of me! :) Just like I drive, I felt like I needed to be in front of everyone or at least not have them so close in front of me. It was a game in the beginning as the crowd was thicker of how I'd get around them- the most direct line, to not go around one just to be stuck immediately behind another, to not trip anyone up, etc. I was actually feeling pretty tired around mile 6. I felt it in my calves. My muscles were just TIRED. But, I pushed through, and realized I was making pretty good time. I had told Russ I'd be passing a corner at mile 6 AND 11.1, and I wrote down my estimates on the times I'd be there. I was RIGHT ON! It was nice to see him and the boys there. I wanted the boys to see what a race was like. They honestly thought I was running to win! :) Anyway, the bands were mostly OK. There was a long span of no bands at all. The cheerleaders were nice, but Amy said afterwards that the runners, cheerleaders and bands got on her nerves. Upon hearing that, I realized I had felt that way a little, too. I came to think about what I loved about running at 6am was the open road, no one around, zoning out on the horizon, and thinking, "Most people are sleeping, and when they awake, I will have run 12 miles!" I didn't like not seeing far in front of me. Anyway, I lost Melinda around mile 8 or 9. She just wasn't behind me anymore. I found $20 at a drink station that someone had dropped, but it wasn't like I could ask, "Did anyone lose this?" as they all ran by. :) Jenni later said it was my own prize money! So, I struggled mentally from mile 10-11 to the end. I was hot, I was running on empty, and I was alone. However, when I turned down those last 6 blocks before the finish line, a GREAT band was playing "Been a long time since I rock and rolled" by Led Zep. I LOVE Led Zep, and it was so motivating. I had no energy to kick it up a notch, though, but I was jamming in my head. When I turned, saw I had only two more blocks and the finish line was ahead, I then sped up. I sprinted the last 100 feet or so, and my end time was 2:12. That's a 10" mile for 13.1 miles! I was SO proud of myself. I didn't stop. I didn't let my mind get the best of me. I kept a fast pace for 13.1 miles!! (And, I beat out all of my friends.) I know that sounds awful, but it felt good. I felt like I had really trained for this, and I felt like I then knew that I wasn't going to do a full marathon any time soon! I felt great afterwards... no GI issues... not too sore... not too tired... I was happy! I think standing around for another 45" to see everyone else finish helped A LOT. I had cooled down, relaxed, etc. It was a great day. And, the medal is SO cool!
So, leading up the Rock N Roll 1/2 Marathon, it was a lot of running- 4 days a week. It was researching private schools for Anthony. It was Bible Study and Leaders. It was birthdays, parties, appointments, visiting schools, working in classrooms, Anthony's football started. I was feeling quite crazy, but mostly because of the praying about, researching and debating private vs. public schools and the fact that Starks decided to move out of his crib. My home was SO chaotic during that time of switching beds and rooms with stuff and furniture everywhere that my mind felt 100X more chaotic than my house looked. Plus, I was not confronting the mourning and feelings I had about Starks moving out of that phase of his little life. My last son and baby no longer needed a monitor. He no longer could be made to sleep. I packed away crib sheets, the crib music player, furniture. I had no warning like I did with Anthony and Chas. They were just 3, and it was time to be in a toddler bed. Starks just realized he could climb out and didn't have to stay in there. HE had made the decision, not me. That's not easy for me to come to terms with. It symbolized his now growing independence from me, and I didn't see it coming this soon. Plus, it's fine when it's something I want like going pee and poop on the potty. But, when it doesn't help me, then it's more adjustment and distress. That led to feeling selfish... it was a big ball tumbling and collecting things that made me feel more stressed and upset.
Studying in Exodus has been a good thing, though. I've really gotten much more out of than I ever imagined. It's always different in a study when you read a passage over and over and over. You really begin to see God's words and what they mean. Plus, being in Leader's is very rich and meaty!
That leads me to lately. Since the run, I took last week off in regards to exercise. Russ took Starks from Thursday to Saturday with him to Philly to see MomMom and Pop while Russ interviewed candidates for Google at Wharton. I had some great time with just the older boys and no nap schedule. Russ and Starks arrived home on Saturday, and we had just enough time to stop for dinner, stop at Google to pick up Russ' passport/visa, and make it home for bath and bed. Sunday we skipped church (SO rare for us) to spend time together and enjoy our full day before Russ and Anthony left for Asia. Anthony had another football game, and it's so awesome to see him and Russ out there enjoying it together. (Anthony does very well for his age group. Football's tough to learn. ) Anyway, the two older guys left Monday- we let Chas stay home from school- for Korea. I had people pray for me this week that I would embrace this time as time with the kids and not time to get things done. I wanted prayer for our time to be blessed and really special together- as well as Daddy's and Anthony's. I have since learned a couple of things I'd been worried about. I realized I do not intervene early enough for Chas. I don't stop the situation/conflict early, as I hope they will resolve themselves and/or I am busy doing something else. I think in hoping they can get it resolved, when it doesn't, I set him up for failure. He gets angry, his reaction is reprimanded, and he feels bad about himself. Russ is constantly telling people when they ask why we stopped at three kids that "because two didn't seem like enough, and three seems almost like too much." I don't like that answer. It bothers me for some reason. It's not like he's saying he would change anything, but I just don't like it. Well, in coming to terms with some things while alone with Chas and Starks, I have also come to realize that I don't like it probably because it's a little true. I think that when all three are together, there are so many pots in the fire that one's nudged out to the coals a little bit. Even though Anthony is older, fairly self sufficient, and responsible, I think he can dominate a lot. Then, Chas, who's self imposed stress of wanting/needing to be equal to his brother makes him frustrated, is battling for my ear, my attention, my praise, my time, my everything! Starks is easy to figure out being so young. He just NEEDS more attention since he's two. I have to always keep my eye on him. That only leaves one other eye. I think it'll always be a shifting of priorities and a struggle to get all of their love buckets full. I think I never wanted to face it or believe it because I didn't want to admit that I may be failing a lot here and there. Wow... that's SO tough! I know that no family is perfect or leaves a child completely met in every way. That's been comforting as I've gotten older to just hear more and more how no one's family was perfect. But, I think I've thought in the back of my head that I could be the first to make it happen! :)
When I think back at MY life as a child, I am amazed that God's hand guided me so much. That I turned out remotely normal is a miracle. Not that it was so crazy or abusive or destitute, but I think God let my eyes see what he wanted, my ears here what he wanted, and my mind record what he wanted. My sister wasn't so blessed. I crept out from his umbrella of protection for so many years... but he chased me around protecting me just enough, you know? Now, I think I've come to this part of my life where my friends are incredible. My family is strong. My worldly life is good. My spiritual life is awesome and always getting better. I just feel overwhelmingly blessed that I don't know what to do with that. I don't know in what way I'm to bless others. I feel like every week at Bible Study that I get to love on, tickle, cuddle and enjoy other kids. I think that's a way of blessing others. I get to love their kids while they're away. I get to teach these little guys about God's love and how it never goes away. But, I think in doing those things, it's just another blessing for ME and not as much as giving to others. So, I guess I need prayer with that. Should we do missions at some point? Anthony is LOVING being in Asia. About Korea, he said, "I love the people. I love the country. I love the food. I can't wait to come back." :) I think he's got a young heart for others. I don't know. I've never known anyone close how has done them, and I don't know how to get involved. I don't even know how it all works. I guess if I'm to know, the information will come to me! I need to listen for the Lord.
THEN, on top of all that, Russ got promoted to Director! Wow... life is just so good.
So, I'm at home waiting for Starks to finally give in and fall asleep for his nap. Chas is watching Scooby Doo (his usual when he's tired after school and the park). I should probably take this time to snuggle with him and watch this movie for the 4th time. :)
Thank you, Jesus for your everlasting love.
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