I am forever learning about my kids...

An easy one first. Starks loves socks. I have learned this about him just in the last week. I found a pair of socks that have little reindeer heads on the ankles that I had put away due a hole in the toe. Well, I mended the toe, and now they fit Starks. He LOVED them (just as Chas had when they were his... in fact, Chas stretched them over his feet last week claiming they still fit!), and he has since emptied his drawer of all socks every day or so. Today he AND his friends donned socks on their feet and hands along with the usual swords, light sabers, etc. It was very cute. I may actually include a picture of all three, but I will certainly include this picture of Starks with 6 PAIRS of socks on his feet... 12 socks in all. :) I have also learned each day this week that he is just a little sad that his brothers are not here all day. He was stroking Anthony's head when we picked him up yesterday from school, and we had to go back to Chas' class this morning so that he could give Chas a hug. He has such a loving heart.

I have learned this summer that Chas leans more toward an introvert, though he's very close to being in between being an extrovert and introvert. What moves him toward one side is that he needs to retreat by himself to refuel. HOWEVER, after reading books to him for over an hour, I learned that he can refuel with someone, as long as that someone is not asking anything of him- other than a listening ear. He kept bringing me book after book to read, and also being a child whose main love language is quality time, it serves a dual purpose. How easy is THAT fix? It was a very nice discovery today. :) I love that boy, and the more I love him, the more he wants of me. Not toys. Not materials. Just me. Oh, Chas... let's always keep it easy like that.

I feel like I should say that I discovered something profound about Anthony. I did find out just how much Katie B. makes him happy. She is not only in his class this year, but they are on the same "team" in class. :) The first day of school, he recruited Chas to spy on her with him at recess. Oh my. So, I brought it up today to a friend of mine- whose daughter I adore- at school, and she said something to the effect of "Yeah... he does have a thing for her." She added that Katie's a great girl- nice, pretty, smart, etc. So, I guess I discovered that he likes her enough that other moms know. Hmmm.... I like her dad (I don't know her mom.), so I may have to bring it up to him tomorrow to make sure he's OK with it, too. Has she said anything? Does it bother her? You know, those kinds of questions. What a sweetheart, my Anthony is. He still initiates hugs in the morning at drop off. I think maybe because he is a year younger than his classmates that those things don't yet bother him. I just hope he's not teased at some point. Until then, I love it!

Well, I should relax. I have had a huge headache today. I wonder if it's from my bike ride and holding my head in that position of bending over with my torso and looking up with my neck/head for that long. I finally broke down and took medicine, so I hope that helps. Tomorrow Russ comes home! :) Yea!!! I am ready. I am ready to have a body here next to me at night. I miss always just feeling safe when he's here. I know he'll protect us. I miss big guy hugs. What a great husband, children and life I have!

Various things about this week

Let's start by saying Chas LOVES being in 1st grade. I don't think he thought about how it would feel to not be the youngest in school anymore. However, his highlights of 1st grade are having lunch AND 2 snacks, having THREE recesses, and getting to play with Anthony during recess! Anthony's highlights are having Katie B in his class- and on his "team" made up of the back row, playing with Chas, and his teacher. She is truly a wonderful teacher, and I, too, am very pleased. Starks is a little confused about why school doesn't mean picking up Chas for lunch, but he'll get used to it, I'm sure. Chas is doing well. He has several friends in his class from last year, and he is happy. Thus, I, too, am happy.

So, I remember the movie "Harry and the Hendersons" from when I was a kid. I liked it, and I remembered it being pretty benign. When I saw it on a kids movie channel, I taped it on the DVR. The first time the kids watched it, they loved it! They loved Harry, the Bigfoot. Starks especially loved Harry. When they watched it, I was doing various other things and wasn't paying attention. However, the second time they watched it, I was on the couch with them. There were many curse words (Hell and Shit... no horribly vile ones) throughout the movie. Wow.... but they had already seen it twice, and would they really get it? So, I let them watch it many more times seeing as they didn't blink when they heard them. Russ and I don't curse (well, Russ probably does with the guys on a bike ride), and I'm sure they've never heard those words from us. Why would they recognize them as anything other than another adjective? We've never had any of the boys say a curse word before since they don't hear them... until today. And, it was Starks, my 3 year old! He said this like 4 linen part of that movie about two months ago, and it caught me off guard! It was about "I don't care how big, and ugly and smelly you are. You can't go around eating other people's corsages!" It was so cute to hear that from him. Today's line was not as cute. So, I was in the garage getting my gear ready for tomorrow's bike ride. I walk in and hear, "Holy Shit... sorry, Dad" as he's playing with two dinosaurs on the couch. He has no idea what that means. He has only heard the little boy, Eddie, in that movie say it to his father. I was taken aback and asked Anthony what he said- thinking I hadn't heard it correctly. Anthony repeated it exactly as Starks had said. I had then made my 7 year old curse. I told them that it was a not a nice thing to say and that I didn't want to hear it again... then moved on making my point clear but not too big of a deal. Wow. Bad parenting judgement with "Harry and the Hendersons." Per Russ' request, the movie is now deleted.

I have really had an awesome week this first week of school. Granted, tomorrow is only day three. But, I feel better about this year than I did last. We'll see how it pans out, but I really feel like I'm going to be happier about their education. Now, I just have to hold out on signing up for things. My first impulse is to sing up for things I want the kids to have. I can't complain if I'm not willing to work on the solution. So, I want to make sure they have an Art Vista person, Cornerstone person, etc. I'll just wait and see what's needed first. I am only commited to 3rd grade class rep thus far. :) Speaking of which, I am co-rep with another mom/friend, Jennifer. I haven't gotten to talk to her yet. I loved that part of yesterday and today- catching up with all of my school mom friends. It really made me happy to see all of those familiar faces this week. I saw Jennifer's today, but I didn't get to talk to her. It's like I'm starting school, too!

Well, tonight's trash night, Russ in in Colorado, and I am always finding myself giving this unease up to God at night. I think I'll go to bed and sit with Him for a little bit!

Hindsight

Wow.  Today God was giving me a surplus of opportunities to exercise patience.  At times, I recognized them and became flexible.  Other times I did not at all appreciate them, and I wondered when he'd stop.  What lesson was I needing to learn?  Well, I think he wanted me to think about WHY.  I couldn't do that well as I was going about my day.  However, I was given this precious time with Chas tonight, and it hit me.  

Chas was the baby who slept on my chest while I slept on my back.  This was EVERY night of his life until he was about 5-6 months old.  Then, one night he just wanted his own bed.  It was heartbreaking, but I still loved his calling me in the middle of the night to eat.  :)  Anthony preferred Daddy from the start.  He would eat and want to get away.  Then Chas was born, and he wanted ME!  I am glad that I had no idea how that felt when Anthony was born.  It feels SO good that I would've been hurt otherwise in his choosing Daddy.  Chas wanted me... I can't forget that.  I had, actually, until my sister reminded me.  Then it hit me why he still needs me more.  Why had I forgotten?  That's another blog... I think his will maybe made me pull away?  He's always been the alpha male of my boys.  Even when he was an infant, toddler and preschooler, he asserted his will as often as possible, and he was STRONG willed.  We joke that we should've called him William Charles instead of Charles William!  I know this personality won't change.  It's just who he is.  I love him for it, but it can be a difficult thing.  He wants to be in charge, but because he's the second born, that's not as easy as he would like for it to be.  I can't imagine how that struggle would get to you day after day.

So, Chas wants to be enveloped in love, yet he wants to pull away and want to not need as much as he does.  I have to initiate it more so he can believe it's all me and not as much as his wanting it.  But he does want it.  So, it hurt today when he told me that he couldn't tell me something.  We've been talking about it being the last week before school, and today he was just awful to everyone!  He was mean, nitpicking, aggravating, instigating, and saying mean things to each of us.  I was trying to figure out if he was tired... did he need some time alone to refuel... I just couldn't change him.  I could see that he was not happy with who he was being, but I couldn't save him from himself.  

- Thought break-

Last week when Daddy wasn't home, we walked to a park about 9 blocks from the house.  On the way back, they were whipping sticks through to air to make them whistle.  That reminded me of having to pick a "hickory stick" for my spankings, and so I told them about it.  Chas kept wanting to hear more and more.  I would tell him about why I was spanked, how I felt, the worst time- and it wasn't even me getting it, and with what I was spanked at various times.  I have no idea why it was so fascinating.  I can count on one hand how many times I spanked him in the last probably 3 years.  I found that my mother was always angry, so I try very hard not to do it when I'm angry (though I can understand why initially it probably made her feel better).  Because I try not to when I'm angry, I rarely do... when you're calm, there are a lot more options.  Today, I spanked Chas.

- Back to today-

So, Chas kept pushing and pushing today.  The limits of saying "no" and not doing what I asked was the last one.  It was time to take a bath, and he kept saying, "No," like a 2 year old.  He was moving toward and up the stairs, but he was just being so blatantly defiant.  Then, when he walked into his room to get his towel, he opened the door to slam it against the wall.  (deep breath)  So, I spanked him, closed his door, and moved on with the bath routine.  After about 15 minutes, I walked to his room and asked him to come take a bath.  I walked with him to the laundry room to drop off his clothes and then- naked and vulnerable- I made him sit with me to talk.  I first told him I loved him, and he latched onto me like a crab.  It ended up with us lying on the floor, snuggling and talking.  I asked him about school, and he told me he was scared to go to 1st grade.  When I asked him why, he told me "I can't tell you."  That is the WORST thing to hear from an almost 6 year old.  It's awful because if he can't talk to me now, will he be able to when he's 16?  So, I pried, restated, and kept trying to come up with reasons for him.  He finally told me, while on the verge of tears, that he is scared of having to make new friends.  I think I sighed with relief. I praised him, reiterated who he was and how great he is, and I just held him, myself feeling like he was that infant again.  I told him why it's important that he talk to me about things.  I told him that it usually feels so much better to let it out, have someone else know, that maybe they can help or just listen, but most importantly, my knowing now gave me something specific to bring to God.  I told him that I pray for him, but I now I can pray more specifically.  

His mood totally changed for the rest of the night.  He was obedient.  He was laughing and giggling in bed.  He was REALLY cuddly and loving.  Then, as we ended our prayers, he asked if I had prayed for him yet.  I told him that I would usually do it later, but I could pray right then if he wanted.  He said he wanted me to pray right now.  I asked if he wanted me to pray in my head (since he didn't want anyone else to know) or to pray out loud.  He wanted me to pray out loud.  Wow.  What an awesome opportunity to speak truths out loud for everyone to hear and to God about God, Chas and how great they are!  I recognize that this day ended so amazingly.  I recognize that my patience trials were trying to get me to think about why they kept coming.  I recognize that because I didn't realize then, I got this wonderful time, conversation and prayer with Chas.  I am writing this now so that I can have it down (not on paper, but it'll do) in writing that Chas deals with stress by taking it out on everyone else.  He will keep it inside until it's too much to handle by himself- or until someone calls him out on his behavior enough.  Chas handles stress like Russ used to before his high blood pressure.  

I love him so much.  I ask that if by some chance someone else is reading this that they would just shoot up a quick prayer for him.  His strength will help him in wondrous ways as he grows up.  I just hope it doesn't build any walls too high for me to sit on or get over.  

I think I feel just as set free from all of this as he does.  What a day.  Thank you, God, for carrying us through and guiding us to the end.  I praise you!

My cell phone has passed away

(Sigh) I start with a sigh because it just feels good to let out the bad air and make space for the good. I have had an archaic Nokia phone for a while now. I didn't need bells and whistles; I just needed a phone. Then we had to go hands-free in Cali, and I actually had to go to the store and buy an adapter for the old phone to plug in a headset. The letters are fading from texting- which I mostly do with only one friend, and they are getting a little temperamental. I try to type an "a", and it quits and loads another random screen. SO, today we were at Gilroy Gardens, and Chas said, "I don't like this place anymore." Now, he's tired, it's hot, and I understand feeling that way to an extent, but the boy had just finished ice cream... it's not all that bad! When asked why, he replied, "Because Daddy's not here." Ahhhhh. I get it. So, we called Daddy- at a wedding reception in Philly- to talk. He talked through the parking lot, into the van, and a little down the road before reception is sketchy in the hills. When the call was dropped, Chas placed my phone in the compartment on his side of the van- by his seat. I didn't' think of asking for my phone until we had arrived home. (We had stopped at Petroglyph to get pieces they had painted, and Starbucks to get my "After 2pm iced grande drink for only $2" that I feel I need to take advantage of for some reason.) When I looked in to locate the phone, I remembered that yesterday Anthony announced from the back seat that Chas had poured out the water from his water bottle and "made a pool." So, floating in the pool- already drowned- today was my phone. Water had infiltrated it's screen. It had no life. I grinned.

I had been talking/joking about killing my phone for months now. Not that I need a fancy phone... but I'd LIKE one that just didn't look like a rectangle. No games to entertain the kids when in a situation they find hard to tolerate. I don't know what it is. I just didn't like the phone. So, this was totally unsolicited by me to destroy the phone. It was just that it was the phone's time to die. I told Russ, and he said instantly, "Go get an iphone." Now, that's cool at first thought. Then I think about how many times Starks reaches for the phone and drops it. Or I drop it. It's a lot of responsibility. When I knew my phone was the cheapest before, I felt more lax. It didn't require much thought. So, I'm not sure about the iphone. Russ said again tonight to go to the store tomorrow. I'll have to get the entire lowdown. We'll see... the bummer is not only that the phone is dead but that I lost ALL of my contacts. I'm sure the water made them irretrievable.

Oh, I tell Chas to get a towel and clean up the water. When I went out later to get something from the van, the towel was stuffed in there soaking the water with the bottle empty and upside down in the compartment still. :) I failed to follow up.

BTW, my sister was lovely in giving me feedback after staying a weekend with my boys. She provided insight into Chas- the one I worry the most about. I have put some things into action and tried to recognize opportunities to allow for alone time before he is too tired to self control, and it has been wonderful. And I think he's also recognizing that he needs time and taking it for himself- without instruction. It can be while we're still out and about, but he figures a way to step out of it for a while. What answered prayer that is. Thank you, Lord.

I think that's it... Russ was so cute tonight trying to get these programs installed on this computer from his in Philly so we could chat via video. It's difficult to go to a wedding alone. You are on the outskirts without a partner... and most everyone else did have someone with them. After catching up with family, there's nothing left to really do... Russ wouldn't dance without me there. I don't think guys are apt to go on the dance floor and form a group like women! :) (An aside, at our 6th grade dance before "graduating" to junior high, I was the first person on the dance floor, alone, until others joined me. Then, everyone began to come out and dance. I LOVE to dance.) Anyway, I feel sad for him. I'll cheer him up on Monday! :)

That's it... I didn't mention Anthony. Wow. He's 7 1/2 years old, and he still comes over to snuggle. I love that. I see at times a tiny part of him looking as if maybe he shouldn't be on my lap, but I love that it's tiny still. I want him to always hug and kiss me! He's such a nurturer that I'm hoping he won't push me away. And, I'm still bigger and stronger! I just love when he comes to hold my hand. He's such a wonderful little man. I tickled him tonight on the floor after playing dodgeball (THEY love dodgeball... I have no idea why... I think it's the adrenaline rush they feel while trying to run faster and avoid me hitting them. We use a soft ball, but still.). He was giggling so hard his laughs were whispers! I didn't want to stop. Then Chas wanted some... and Starks. It's such an easy action for a parent that rewards so greatly both you and them. What sounds better than a child laughing? I think if I had to choose in some insane world, I'd choose to lose my sight over my hearing. I'd miss hearing laughter. I'd go crazy without music. It would be very lonely to live in silence. It can get on my nerves to hear such noise while trapped in a van, but I love it all the same. I was blessed by God to have these kids, and I am acutely aware that there are women who will never have to wonder if they go along with the noisy chaos or order it's demise. I hope to choose to keep it more often than stopping it. It'll pass one day, but until then, I'll relish these little people keeping me company all day and making me smile. (I like driving without music just to hear what they are talking about, pretending, or singing on their own.)

I am off to bed. I stayed up until after midnight last night because I could. I think I'll decide to get some quiet time and more sleep tonight!

So blessed!

So, my husband is leaving for a "check the box" wedding tomorrow in Philly. He's not really happy about leaving our family here and missing out on our time this weekend. However, kids were not invited to either the wedding or reception, and we were not going to pay $1500 to fly the kids out for them to not really see any family. (I have issues... oh, I have issues...)

ANYWAY, the post is about being blessed.

We came home from an incredible day at the beach today. There was some talk early on that the day could be cloudy, cold, etc. But the gremlins stayed at bay, and the sun shone brightly and warmly! The kids were very happy playing with their friends, and the adults were allowed loads of time to chat, too. Needless to say, the kids were tired when we arrived home. I had to wake up the little guy for dinner- who then was tired 30 minutes later. I'm not even sure he ate dinner as we quickly hit the shower and headed to bed. The three of them sleep in one big bed- per their request, so during bedtime, there are 5 of us in Anthony's bed (including Russ and I until prayers and such). Tonight Starks was sandwiched between Russ and I, and knowing Russ is already missing time away this weekend, he was just lying beside Starks SO gently stroking his face. Starks was sleepy and on the verge of dreamland but soaking in every touch. The scene was just so serene and precious that I stared trying to burn it into my memory. How many Dads do that? How many Dads really get it that these little children are such gifts and grow so quickly? How blessed am I that my husband gets it!?

That's it. I love Russ. Our kids love Russ. And he loves us back! :)

OMGOODNESS!!! Can you believe it?

I am posting. Let me say that again... I am posting, people! (Like there are any actually reading this, but I like to say people.)
Hello.
My name is Verlana.
It has been 8 months since my last post.
(Crowd: Hello, Verlana...)

Yep. I have not taken the time to write on here, but helping Michelle last night made me remember how much fun it was to actually get it all out. I LOVE to talk. I am the extreme extrovert who needs and thoroughly enjoys being around people all of the time. I do not need much time to retreat and be alone. I'd prefer to be "alone" around people- ie. watching TV, doing something next to my husband while he does something like reading his mountain biking magazines... or grocery shopping alone, surrounded by people not related to me. I have had a diary off and on since 8th grade. There are several in college I have toyed with throwing away. I am so far from that person, and I can't believe I thought I was responsible and mature! However, I have to remember that it was that very person that made me into who I am today. I just pray that in the event of my death that my sister rushes to the house and nabs them. I do NOT want my boys reading them! :) Ok, that sounded very juvenile, but it's true. I thank God that my husband knew me in college and that we were great friends... he knew the good, the bad and the ugly V. (He loves Clint Eastwood western movies.)

What has been up, you ask, since November 2007? Nothing. Nothing at all.
Seriously, I don't even know where to begin. Maybe that's why I haven't begun in so long! I have these incredibly, lovely friends who listen to my rants and ramblings that I haven't really had much pent up inside. You can always check out the family blog- www.laraway.com - to see pictures and read a story about the family. But me? Well, I am so good. I am so happy. I am so at peace. I am so in love with my family. I want to eat my littlest son, Starks. I want to wrap my arms around Chas and hold him in my lap. I want to hold Anthony and relish in the fact that he doesn't yet push me away. And, I'm sure you know what I want to do to my husband. ;) Without him, I'd have none of the boys! I just think, "How did I get here?" How is it that there is so much misery in the world, yet I live this incredible life? I get to stay home with my kids. I get to play every day. I get to soak in the sun, the energy and the love all day. Who is more blessed?
I digress. Well, last year I had begun being a Children's Ministry leader, and I cannot even begin to describe how fed I was in Leaders. Being a women's group leader or children's leader, we had our own study on Tueday before leading on Thursday. Wow! I feel like I grew leaps and bounds in my understanding and relationship with God. I loved it. I ate it up! Everything that was said, shared and discussed was consumed by me. Again, how is it that I am able to be fed like this? Who am I?

So, I am excited to begin Leaders again and study. I almost feel guilty that I may be getting more out of it than I am putting into it. Putting into it feels so easy... like it's not a burden or anything. Anyway, it should be bittersweet to have my best friend not there. I am glad that she is going somewhere else, but I will certainly miss her every Tuesday. Maybe we'll still get a Starbucks together? Oh, the routines we so easily slip into!

My boys will be in full days of school this year, and I am already mourning. I am grieving the time I won't have with Chas already. I have had to keep putting it aside for God to handle and not dwell on it just yet. Then I think about it and get sad again. I am not at all the worrying type, but I am one to prepares... I prepare for almost all scenarios. Watch out camping... bee sting, open fracture, sucking chest wound- I've got the supplies! I think A LOT and am apt to jump into the future sometimes. I'm working on it being more like a hopscotch jump in that I don't linger but move on and come back to reality. With God's help, I am changing. All of that to say I will miss Chas. I will likely also enjoy the time I am afforded from 8-2! Not having to be at school at 12 and again at 2 will be nice. Maybe there's a part of me that would feel guilty if I let myself feel too happy about that. Hmm...

I have SO enjoyed our summer. It feels like I was rejuvenated this summer. The focus came back to family. We have done some very wonderful things, and we have had days of doing very little! It has all been good. In doing so much together, we have grown to know each other a little deeper and reconnected in an awesome way. I have great kids. My friend, Michelle, wrote about kids being kids and not adults. I also believe that kids will act with whatever personality God gave them. We can encourage them to behave in a way more acceptable in society and encourage them to change a negative behavior, but I was reminded that it wasn't until Russ was diagnosed with high blood pressure that he realized he needed to change his behavior to stress. It wasn't ok any more to throw the screwdriver in frustration when something wasn't fitting together, or to clench his fists and teeth like the Hulk when angry about something spilling or breaking... so, I can't expect my son who was created with the very same personality to change it as age 5 when it wasn't until age 32 for my husband! Now, again, I will continue to encourage him to choose the right reaction. I can give him the words. I can try to help him manage triggers. But, kids are who they are. Now, if my son's behavior was endangering others or affecting his esteem or whatever, then we'd be in counseling because I'm not sure what to do then! :) I love who my kids are becoming. I in no way want to rush time, but I think it's just going to keep getting better (actually I have to believe it) as they grow. I sometimes get glimpses in the boys of them at age 18. I can picture them in a certiain pose or stance and see them in that same position at 18. I love it and hate it.

Is it sad that I can't even just write about myself? It always comes back to my boys or our family. That is who I am mostly right now... a Mom. I love that title and feel very blessed to have been given the opportunity to claim it. It's all good.

Well, I could totally keep rambling- thus the title of my blog, but I feel like I should relax. Russ and the boys will be back soon from his soccer game. How cool that he took Anthony and Chas to watch him play tonight? It was an 8:15 game, so we'll see how tomorrow goes. We have no plans. We'll keep it low key and chill... or maybe I'll just make them a coffee! :)

I'm sure no one will really read this, but it's nice to write down. Life is full.

Too Fast!!!

I cannot believe that Christmas is two days away!! No! Stop! I want it to be at least three more weeks until it comes. It's so much fun, and I just don't want it to end come Tuesday. I think it's hard to believe that it's so close because the weather has been so nice and I haven't been sequestered inside. We've been outside and at the park almost every day this month. We haven't had to slow down and just BE.

I love what I feel at Christmas. It's a flood of memories for me, and it just reminds me of pure love and warmth from my family. We traveled South to visit with family- driving all night. My sister and I would lie down in the station wagon and play games with the lights that tie dyed the roof. And giggle! We laughed so much at everything- probably from being overtired, and when we were done, we laughed at our own laughter. You know how you mock yourselves and laugh even harder that you end up crying? When that station wagon was no more, we went in my aunt's Cadillac. We went in a VW bug! Mom just wanted to go and got there however she could.

Christmas wasn't about gifts for me as much as traveling, being with family, and of course, food! When there wasn't food, we were blessed with others bringing us boxes of it. "Garbanzo beans? What are these, Mom?" She replied, "Wow! You will love them! We can try something new with them." I felt excited just looking in those boxes and bags and thinking about the new creations we'd enjoy. It felt like those boxes just kept coming in the door. I remember thinking, "MORE?" Now when I clean out the pantry to donate food, I usually go for those random cans I've had sitting for months. They are those garbanzo beans... chili...or whatever random cans of food I bought thinking "I may need these at SOME point." I wonder who will receive them and if they will feel the joy I once felt?

Before a trip in 6th grade down to Alabama, we opened gifts before leaving. I loved everything I opened and never once thought I wanted more. Looking back, it wasn't much, and it may have all been found in the toy aisle at the grocery store. My Mom was working three jobs, and I'm sure that didn't leave much time to shop. It wasn't until high school- maybe sophomore year- that I ever felt like I wanted more. I think then it was because opening gifts that morning went so fast and most were clothes. I distinctly only remember THAT particular year feeling like I wanted something more. It was short lived, as I just went next door to Jackie's and played with the surplus she received.

I feel like I have to defend my love of Christmas sometimes. I understand it's "commercialized" in many ways, but I guess for me it's so fulfilling that I don't see it. Do I notice the grandiose displays? Yes, absolutely. Do I look at them and feel repulsed? Certainly not! I feel warm, fuzzy, and glad for the celebration! I feel like sitting down in the mall beside the tree and just embracing that desire to be a kid again. I get giddy on the day we decorate and put up the tree. One year, it was on Nov. 1st, but on this year, it was Nov. 12th. :) Because Russ hates being a part of the process but loves the product, we put it up on a day off from school. Then, it wouldn't take away from weekend family time or interrupt a vacation day of his. So, we've had the tree up and on everyday since. I can't get enough of it!

Though I will admit that I felt a little busier this year, I think it's mostly because of wanting to be in school with my kids as much as offered and also being with my friends every moment I can! Because of that underlying family love that winds through what Christmas is for me, I want to be with the new "family" I have here as much as possible. I want to share and be surrounded by people who love me as much as possible. I do not share that yearning for travel to be with family like my Momma had. I would LOVE to have my family here, but I don't want to sacrifice being in my own home on Christmas. When the kids are older and their opinions are taken into account in that matter, I may change my mind. Until then, I'll not offer that option to them! I want to wake up, open gifts, and play in pj's until bedtime! That's what's fun for me, and I think it's fun for the kids, too!

Regarding gifts on Christmas, well, I LOVE TO GIVE! I love to give of myself, my time (on my terms), and gifts. However, I do NOT like to receive gifts. It makes me feel uncomfortable most of the time. I was given so much early in my life that I love now that I am in a position to give to someone else. It was last year that I learned to allow others to help ME and give of themselves. Not until a friend made me look at it from a different perspective and said, "You are denying them their opportunity to feel good." I have since been working on being better at receiving, though it's still difficult. Our tree has presents already spilling out from underneath, and Santa hasn't even come. That's the result of living away from family. I think it adds to the excitement for the kids! Every few days, there's another package added. What are they thinking? I actually just asked Anthony, and he said, "WOW!" "Well, I feel really lucky, and it makes me sad for the Dalit Children. It makes me feel like we're really lucky to have so many presents." So, this answer makes me feel good about what I'm teaching them! We give our toys to our neighbor who has twins, and my boys LOVE to go to their house and watch them play with the toys we gave them. We also will periodically (every few months) go through their rooms and playroom and purge the toys. What we don't give to our neighbor or friends, we give to charity. The boys actively participate in the whole process and always get excited about giving stuff away. I think that maybe next week when we're finding a place for the new toys that I'll start the tradition of purging and giving away that week after Christmas. I just don't want my kids to feel like what they have or don't have ever defines who they are; I guess so far their OK in that manner. I'll broach that again when I see a problem.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling now. My fingers are getting cold and that makes it difficult to type! Plus, I want to snuggle with the kids and watch Scooby Doo, so I'm a bit distracted. I just love Christmas. Of course, I am very aware and thoughtful about what it really means and is all about. Maybe I take it for granted that it may not be the norm to do so. To me, it's a no brainer.