Just kind of strange

I can't pinpoint with one word what I'm feeling right now. I'm a little of a lot of different emotions!

I just found myself browsing through photo albums posted by a high school friend on Facebook. I'm looking at the pictures of her with many of her friends at various times through childhood, Jr. high and high school, and I'm going through this time warp. She was part of a very popular group of girls. My recollection of this particular group was that they were tight friends and always together- and I belonged on the outside of it. I think in high school I was a small part of each group of kids or clicks, but this particular group really didn't like me too much. I didn't know why. I wasn't popular, and I thought that it was just unattainable to be a part of their group. I had no idea why, but I knew they didn't take in new kids. I wasn't hurt by this fact. I just knew of it. I was a happy high school girl! (Imagine that!) I liked who I was, my best friend, and how I knew many different people.

However, looking at the pictures today of her with these girls... They VACATIONED together since 7th grade! They were together each summer and each school day. Several went to college together and joined the same sorority! The had FAMILY ties between parents! In each dated picture, whatever the fashion, they wore it proudly. They were beautiful from 7th grade to college. They were always wrapped with arms around each other.

So, I sat looking and thinking... that's what I'm giving my kids now! I did not grow up with a mother who had friends who had children my age. She had single friends. She didn't really hang out with them too much outside of work, and we never vacationed with anyone but ourselves. I was asked to go with Amy's family to Canada, and I had SO much fun! But, we didn't really ask anyone to go with us anywhere. It was OUR family. So, because it's what I do, I began to think about how that might affect me today. Maybe that's why I didn't have a group of girlfriends until I graduated college? I have never felt a longing or regret for not having a GROUP of girlfriends. I've always had one or two really close friends at a time, and then, of course, a group of guy friends. But now, I have this incredible group of friends who make me so full of joy and growth. We encourage each other, lift each other up, and just love each other. My mom didn't really model that for me, but I'm not sure it was a big deal. It does make me sad that my mother didn't have that for herself. She may have at some point in her life but not after I was 5- when we moved to Ohio from Florida.

I was jealous yet enlightened looking at the pictures. Jealous of that wealthy, privileged life that afforded them and their families so many things... annual vacations... family get-togethers... trips... But I know that their friendship grew deep from early roots. There was no person who would enter their aged group that could really add much more. They weren't lacking in anything. I'm so amazed, and I so happy for them that their friendships continue to grow and hopefully will spawn roots of friendship deep within their kids, too. Wow... I am just kind of taken aback.

I treasure my two friendships from high school that I still maintain. Our parents didn't really hang out together. I think my Mom was probably a little off-putting to many people. She's a large personality, and I even have to pray before being around her for too long! I love her to death because she's my mom, but she's starved. Anyway, I can not fathom how these girls'- now ladies- had such intertwined lives and families. That is awesome!

We have moved many times, and I would really be happy living out my life here in California. I love the weather, my friends, and how it's so far away from where I grew up and who I was. I like to visit my old stomping grounds to reminisce, but it can be kind of overwhelming, too. I have made it on my own- with Russ' help, too, and I don't like thinking about my life as a poor child. There was a lot of shame and judgment at times. I felt tied down or suppressed in areas of my life and so much freer than peers in other areas. I like breaking those ties. I like that I flew away. I like that I became anew. I like that I have things opened up to me that my mom couldn't have dreamed of in her own life. It's not monetary per se, but just opportunity. Could my mom have volunteered at school? Could she have afforded for me to go to camp? No... It's not the things I can buy now with money but the doors it opens for me to invest my time and energy in beautiful ways. I can give my kids more of ME. I can give them friendships through the ones I have developed that will hopefully last a lifetime.

Anyway... I have so many things still in my heart and mind... I guess it boils down to happiness for what they had and continue to have, freedom in myself, some sadness, and so joy for where I am today... I'll ponder this for many days, I'm sure.

What does it mean to be a Christian?

So in Leader's luncheon today, I chose to share my thoughts about Galatians. What follows is a total rambling rant. It does not flow well. I just needed to get it out.


We finished the study last week and started Colossians this week. It's all about love the way I see it. It's about the law not binding us and in turn making the death and resurrection of Jesus into nothing. You see, you can't live under the law and live under grace. You can't pick and choose what laws to follow, and you could never follow them all as we are sinners. Having faith in Jesus is what matters. It is by faith alone that we are saved. We are given salvation. Jesus will not love us more or less depending on what we do or do not do. We cannot cause him to not love us. I get that as "saved" Christians, we are filled with the Holy Spirit. We make that change to really live daily for the Lord, growing in knowledge of his will, growing in spiritual wisdom and understanding. We then want to follow the law out of love and not obligation. In following his law, we stand in his will- and under his showers of blessings as we hope to keep as little sin as possible between us. HOWEVER, we will always sin. We will never be sinless. We hope to choose not to sin, but we will fail- some more than others. Is it my place to define sin- to nitpick? Is it my place to keep track of who's sinning and how often? Is it my place to label someone a particular sinner and in turn pass judgement every time I see them and their label is read on my mind?
No it is not.

What am I to do? Love them. Bring them to Christ if they are not already there. If they are a believer and still sin, what do I do? Love them. Did Jesus go to the tax collector's house and think, "I'm with them. I'm so glad I do not steal from others and have that sin, but I will pray for these that do. I will eat with them to show them I love them. But, I'll try to convince them over and over that what they are doing is wrong. I will change them with them with words." No, he didn't. He ate with them. Simply because they were tax collectors and hated, this action was overwhelming that someone would CHOOSE to eat with them. I doubt he told them over and over at dinner what they were doing wrong. I tend to think they knew his love from the way he looked at them, felt it pouring from him, and were in awe at a man so loving. His spirit (like we are called to do with the Holy Spirit inside of us) softened their hearts and made them want to turn to good and know him. I bet just accepting them where they were and who they were began that thawing of their hearts. They had heard about him and stories of what he had been doing. To then realize that these things were true must've been amazing.

So, I wonder how people think judgement is our or is OK with certain offenses? How can we not pray as fervently for our friend who struggles with anger toward her husband as a child molester? Is it worse? Does God label our sins as worse than another? Are some not "in the bucket" of grace? How can that make sense to people? I do not care about what sin you are dealing with. I will love you, pray for you and want peace, grace, and healing for you. If I label you first, I may judge you. I may find myself conceited, boastful that I am not afflicted, or self-righteous. As ugly as someone else's sin may be, I think we're all the same. We all will deal with sin everyday. We will ask for help and find that we turn and do it the next minute. It's unfortunately who we are. However, Jesus died for the sins we committed, are committing and will commit in the future. He knew about them. He died for them.

I hate being confronted with close mindedness. Some may say it borders on tolerance (when did that become such an ugly word) to accept people as they are- even invite them into our church without wanting to "change them." I say invite them in, show them the love of Jesus Christ pouring out of you, eat with them, love them, talk to them, and God will do the rest. We are not called to judge, but we are called to love. You can be Christian, a saved believer and saint AND struggle every day with sin.... and even choose to do so. If you go to your deathbed being a homosexual or a preacher with a church under your feet, you are loved the same by our God. Does that both you? Do you want more? Why? Are you concerned about yourself and what sin YOU have to work on or change? Or are you more comfortable pointing out to others what they need to work on or change?

Why can't it be as simple as love? We are called to increase the number of believers, but that doesn't come by fear, hatred, condemnation, labeling or begrudging. It instead comes by being an example of Jesus Christ.

Christmas break begins today. :)

So, I really don't have that much to say, but I thought I should talk about SOMETHING since my last blog. I am fortunate to have found the time while away from home to blog and get emotions out. However, as usual, as time goes on, the emotions cool off and peace settles. I talked to Amy that night I blogged and asked for prayer. I prayed that night when I went to bed.

The next morning when I awoke at 5:30am with Starks, I grabbed his little body after he went potty and snuggled with him in my bed. He went back to sleep for a while, but I was up for the day. I lay there in bed thinking about how to begin my day. I wanted to bring something about how I felt up with MeMe, and I prayed to God to give me the words. I needed it to come from him, as I didn't want to confront and put anyone on the defensive. I went over in my head how I thought the conversation would pan out. And, when I finally left the bedroom and saw her that morning, it was one of the first things I said. The conversation played out just how I'd thought, but she said the visit was going great. It was wonderful in fact.

Later that morning, Russ' dad left for an appt, and MeMe shared with us some details on life. I think his frustration, grumpiness and negativity (some of it appropriate for his condition having just had surgery) affected her- in turn affecting us two fold. Anyway, it was nice to hear some real thoughts from her. It was a real conversation... not staccato or fluffy. It was life Monday was a 180 from the rest of our time. It was our last day, and it was nice. It was prayer. I thanked God over and over. I thank him again for his grace for me- that I may in turn have grace with others and myself.

(sigh)

So, I'm sitting here today waiting until I get to grab my kids from school and have TWO WEEKS off with them!!!! I cannot wait to have them all to myself. I anticipate us staying in pj's, playing, watching TV, going to the Children's Museum, etc. It should be a little snippet of summer. :) I am so excited, too, for Christmas. I love this time of year. Being out of town has made it feel less like a season and more like a few weeks. But alas, it is still wonderful. I have not baked yet, but I plan to start with the kids now! Life is good.

We are thinking now about a dog... and a new car. We are split on what's really important in a car, but I'm hoping we can get to a unanimous decision this weekend. However, I DID drive a Honda Pilot today... just to see if it's on the list! It's TOTALLY on the list! I really like it. I can see our three boys and Amy's, too, in the summer riding to the beach!

Well, there's not much to say. I love my family and am so blessed to have them with me each day. Life is very good. I am happy to spend time with just each other this Christmas. God has given me such a wonderful start here with my family, and this is my priority- my gift.

Where do I begin?

Heaven's to Betsy! (Deep sigh on my part just now) I have GOT to get this down and get this out. I am losing it inside, and I can feel my insides shaking I am just fed up.

Where do I begin? How about with the absurd. MeMe just HAD to watch the news since she had done without for SO long- maybe days... we don't know. SO, alas we're going to again ignore or be annoyed by the kids to watch some freakin TV. I watched while I sat and ate some cereal... apparently, there was an 8 yr old boy in Arizona who killed his father and father's friend by shooting them, bragged about it and then had no problem confessing to police. He will now be tried as a child as they think that'll be best for the boy... that Juvenile Hall can help him better. I don't pretend to know whether or not one can over the other. I did say, "I can't imagine..." I was interrupted as usual, this time by a "You don't know." I said, "I don't know what? What did I say?" (since I hadn't gotten to say anything, really) To which the reply was "You can't say that you can't imagine... you don't know." "I don't know what?" "You don't know if your kids would do anything like that."

I feel like I should just end it at that. It's totally absurd and devoid of needing an explanation. However, Russ did ask Anthony if he'd shoot and brag to his friends about it. Anthony, of course, answered "No." When Russ asked further if Anthony would feel happy or sad if he accidentally shot Russ, Anthony replied with laughter a "sad." Anthony understood the idiocy of it all. How that would escape another, I don't know.

Where to go now? I feel like the next avenue to explore is the aforementioned MeMe. Well, that's the name for a "Me Monster." I thought of calling one MeMo... hence an abbreviation of each word, but a Me Monster really wants it all to be about them anyway, so I thought MeMe was most appropriate.

Brian Regan has a great bit in his comedy act about a person who is a MeMe. They one up your stories... I can't remember that particular part as well as others. However, I have discovered more attributes! Not one of the happiest finds in life, but alas, it is what it is. A MeMe reverts EVERYTHING back to themselves. This can be mid sentence, mid story, or out of the blue quiet. Suddenly, we are again focused on them and their whatever it may be. They also interrupt like crazy as to not allow another too much of the attention in a block of time. You won't get to the punchline. You won't ever get to tell a moral or talk about the lesson you learned. Just realize it's not happening. So, one must resort to not talking as to not get frustrated or feel senile in any way! It's not fun. As a parent, it's not often about me anyway, but when I am shut out on other levels or made to feel less important, it pisses me off to say the least. I hate to put it that way, but I feel so stiffled that I get angry. (another big sigh) My goodness.

Now, add to that a passive aggressive nature. Oh my goodness gracious. MeMe is going to clean up your child's mess and either make a huge point of it to your or the child or add restrictions stemming from it. "What do you want out of your backpack? I cleaned up that big mess, so if you get something out, make sure you put it all back." (Add to that the inference that there will indeed be another huge mess coming- as usual...) Granted, the huge mess encompasses an area of 1ft by 2ft tops! Chas asked this morning if he could go outside, and before I could say anything, the words "No you can't" were spoken for me. Rather than fight the MeMe, I said, "No, sweetheart, it's raining." However, another voice spoke "Well, why not?" so I jumped on board and said, "Well, if you don't care about getting wet, then go ahead. Just get dressed and put shoes on. To that, I went downstairs to get out their clothes, and they wanted out to look inside the half window into the bathroom in the basement. One was out, the other in- each to get the perspective of the other. Then, they switched places... one going outside and the other coming in to see out from the bathroom. (The window had just been discovered that morning.) So, I had remained in the basement putting away the clothes I had cleaned. All of a sudden, Russ walks in and tells the boys to be quiet, but kisses them so sweetly. I find out later the part I did not hear, but the part that made Russ come out of his bed. It was the "IS ANYONE WATCHING THESE BOYS?!" comment. Russ knew they were not doing anything wrong, and he made sure they knew that. Passive Aggressive.

Let's move to expectations. Now, it was hard for me to realize that my mother would not necessarily be the grandparent I wanted her to be for my kids. She wasn't going to a particular mother for me, but the consequences of that were hurtful only to myself. The grandparent part might affect my kids... that one was a little harder to swallow. However, I did. We have not flown our kids to see my mom... it just wouldn't happen for many reasons. However, we chose to fly here for many people to see our kids. We have in turn seen many of our own friends, but the kids are the priority. We would expect and hope that people would want to see them more. At the dinner table the other night, I heard this spoken, "I love you more than I love them." (pointing to the table at which the kids were sitting not 4 feet away) Now, Anthony's old enough to kind of understand there may be a negative in those words, and Chas hears almost everything. You may not know he was listening until it comes out days later.... but likely he hears. What does a child think? We can't know. This was one of those things that I have filed away. I will always love my boys. Guaranteed. I hope to love them enough to let them go. I hope to love them so much now that I don't have to pour it on them as much as adults. I will enjoy them. I will talk to them. I will love them. I will do it now so that I don't feel like I have to later.... so I can them change my focus to their kids, God willing.

Wake up. Make coffee. Get paper. Do crossword puzzle. Do Sudoku. Drink coffee and eat breakfast. Sit in chair. Watch TV. Sit in chair. Shower. Nap? Maybe now, maybe after lunch. "Want to sit on my lap?" Watch TV. "Make sure you clean up." Nap if it wasn't done before. Eat dinner. Watch TV in chair. Lean over chair to kiss kids goodnight, or turn head to say it. Watch TV. Fall asleep in chair.

I ask you. How much were those plane tickets? How much is that rental car for 10 days? How many vacation days were taken? How often do you miss your grand kids? What is it exactly that you miss about them? Having them walking in the same house? Ever play with them? Do you remember how to play? Oh.... you don't like animated movies so you don't want to join your 6 grand kids at the theater. That's a shame. It's laundry day? Yes, I'll make sure our laundry is out for you... we'll be out of the house, too, so you can clean.

I have asked to stay in a hotel just about every time we've visited. The cigarette smoke annoys my nose, burns my throat, infests my clothes, and just plain stinks. I am glad that they don't smoke in the house a day or so before we arrive. Lots of candles are burned as to saturate the air and cover the nicotine and smoke smell. However, the last two days we've been out of the house seeing friends. The smoke gets thicker and thicker. Today when we walked in after being out since 9:20am, it was like an old bar. They are smoking when we're not here. If it's one thing they know, it's that we can't stand the smoke. Why would you? Is it the passive aggressive nature- a retaliation for something I'm not aware? Are you angry? Are you really that inconsiderate? And make my kids suffer, too? I can tell that you are annoyed at them. I"m sure you are at me, too. Obviously, you care mostly about Russ. Russ has said that he is NEVER going to use vacation to see family again. I understand. I feel that way, too- aside from my sister. I have just about had enough. This does not feel like a home away from home, a comfortable place to stay, or even a warm place. I am almost a prisoner for another day! My goodness.

You know, I told my friend, T, that I felt a stiffling almost as soon as we touched down in PA. This area makes me feel stiffled physically and emotionally. I have reflected on that a week now trying to come up with a reason why. I'm not there yet. I do know that I feel held to some crazy way of life. The kind of life that ties you to sending Thank You cards for EVERYTHING. Where there is guilt in decisions. Where you are judged on so many things. I do not like it here. Part of that is because I reminded of the "Old Verlana" that lived here. I was not happy. Today, my life in California, I am happy. I am free! In so MANY ways, I am free. Here, I am judged. I am put in a box. I feel like my mind is trying to be closed by outside forces. I am muddled and not colorful. I have been the "New Verlana" while I am here, but inside, I gets bits of the "old." I don't like it. I like NYC, but not much of the rest of this Northern Coast.

"Love the sinner. Hate the sin." Seriously? First of all, it's a cliche- which I cannot stand. It sounds so "above it all." You are the hater and lover- you are holding some sort of power over another. Is it really possible to love the sinner and hate the sin? If you are loving the sinner, then you are not thinking about the sin. You have forgiven. You are not judging. You are LOVING. Love is kind, does not boast, is not proud or rude or self seeking (I'm a better person for loving you despite of your wicked sin that is so ugly.... I am awesome.). I tell you what. I have seen how the gay issue heats up many a people. I have seem them fume and get angry or argue about it. "There is no scientific evidence to prove that it's genetic." Darling, there is. You can dispute it. You can disprove it if you like with another study that shows another angle. You cannot, however, state that such study doesn't exist. It does. Now, in Labor and Delivery, there were three head Drs over the entire OB/GYN program for residents. Each one had a study that supported at what time they thought was "term" for delivering a baby. Each in turn had three different gestations. You can find an argument, study or whatever to support your theory on most things. In the end, it doesn't matter much. What matters is your conviction and level of comfort. Do you abandon someone in your family or disown them for being gay? Is that "Loving the sinner and hating the sin?" Are they going to contaminate your box? Are you afraid of what they may bring into your life? Did they bring that for the other years you were living them? Or is this all about you? A betrayal you may feel? That's what started the conversation... I just kept my mouth shut, but I was fuming! Love the sinner, hate the sin. Not possible as a human. I think we should just cut it off at Love the sinner. Hate the sin means revisiting it... acknowledging it... tossing it around in your head and thinking about how thankful you are that you don't have that sin... thinking about the sin. Don't think about it! Don't beat a dead horse. Love the sinner. (Another audible sigh) I could go on here, but my wrists are hurting from this fast typing.

I don't know. I needed to really just get these few things out. I have been happy to have been gone these last two days for a big chunk of them, but not happy upon our smoky return. :( I can't take the all of the remarks much longer. I can't take the stiffling. I can't take the guilt. I am free. I am free in the Lord. I am free in my marriage. I am free as a mother with my kids. I am free in my friendships to be me. I am not always great. I am a pain in the ass many times in many ways. I have no idea why my husband loves me despite all of it. I have no idea how much longer my friends will put up with me. But for the moment, I am free. Thank God Almighty, Free at last!

Catch up? No... no time for that.

So, it's been a while. I have thought about blogging, but knowing my husband would be on the couch waiting for me to join him and having "Driver's Ed" online in the back of my head to complete obviously made me rethink my priorities! Well, Russ left Tuesday and is in NYC until tomorrow, so I finished Driver's Ed last night. I should be preparing my Bible Story for the kids tomorrow, but it's still early. :) I'll still have time for that. I think what happened was I got on here (as usual) for something else, but I decided to play music while I sat here. I don't want it to end!

Music. What IS it about music that captures me and is so delicious that I don't want it to end. It was always a staple in our house growing up. Food- not so much, but music certainly was. Obviously, if you don't have enough food or a car, you don't really have a TV! However, come hell or high water, my mom would never have thought of giving up our record player. As inappropriate as it was, I was in 6th grade listening to Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" for entertainment at night. Mostly, it was just music, though. Eagles' "Take it Easy" was one of the first 45's I remember wanting to put on by myself... and "Margaritaville." BEFORE that, even, we regularly walked to my aunt's house- less than a mile from ours in Pensacola, FL- to spend our Friday nights at the disco that on every other day was her living room. However, it transformed for us once a week into a dance floor. My mom would lift me up, spin me around, dance with me, do the bump on her knees with me while I stood, and laugh. We laughed a lot. We'd make up funny moves, "Put the biscuits in the oven, take them out. Repeat." Much like the lawn sprinkler that came out 15 years later, it was one of those demonstrative dance moves. I loved that about my mom. I loved that she would dance with us. I LOVED that we were allowed and encouraged to sing out loud to any song, anywhere. I hear a song and immediately have a memory attached- or several. I can feel that memory, smell it, hear it, and live it all over again physically. There are literally thousands of songs in my head of which I will never forget the lyrics. In fact, it began at such a young age, our singing, that I seriously cannot listen to a song without singing it. While I run or bike, I am either singing if I'm outside or at the very least mouthing the words- with full expression of emotion, of course. I can't NOT do it. (Nice double negative... I needed it for emphasis.) I love the rise and fall, stop and start, crescendo, and journey through the whole song. Lyrics are awesome, but I think starting so young in life a love affair, that I loved the music more than the lyrics. I didn't understand what they meant; I just knew that I loved the way it sounded and made me feel. I should just stop trying to describe it. There's so much to love.

Anyway, I cannot tell you how comfortable I feel on a dance floor. I feel free, I feel energized, I feel young, and I feel at home. I am in no place in life to go to a dance club. I certainly was more of an alone dancer or group dancer rather than a grinding dancer. (Unless of course, it was the right guy.... most often my husband in college.) :) I just love to move. I move ALL day. I am more comfortable moving than sitting still. I prefer constant motion. I know that I will one day not be able to move as much or will not love it like I do now, so I have to take advantage. Let's experience all we can whenever given the chance. "Want to go skydiving, V?" I did. "Want to drive to another state for no reason?" I did. "Want to move across country?" I did. "Want to go a concert?" I did- about 50 times.... anything from Toad the Wet Sprocket to George Clinton and P Funk All stars to Hootie (of course) to Alice in Chains to Van Halen to U2 to Metallica to Paul McCartney to Jimmy Buffett to Bush to No Doubt to Heart ... it goes on and on. If there was an opportunity, I took it if I had never done it. Why not? God gave us this great big world... let's really appreciate, admire and experience it. I'm not afraid.

Anyway, I know my mom was all about the sponteneity in life and doing whatever and any time. On a Saturday, we decided to leave about 2pm to Gettysburg, PA from our house in central Ohio. We arrived at midnight, woke up, saw the town and museums/stores until about noon and drove back home. I will NEVER forget that. There were no excuses or complaints about the time. It was about the journey. That is a part of MY DNA. Life is about the journey. I could get hung up on what a pain it is to haul stuff to the beach and back home with the extra special addition of sand on EVERYTHING. It's not about that. It's about being there, making a memory, enjoying the beach, and loving our time together in an incredible place- coveted by those landlocked. It's not about how much time we will spend at the park. It's about getting there, talking, discovering, and spending time together. Kids have no idea the difference between 30" and 2 hours at the park most of the time. It's about being together as a family. I love that about them. So, I'm up for anything. I may dread it a little bit at some point, but I get over it quickly if there's a journey involved. I was THRILLED to have the opportunity to drive to Oklahoma this summer. My kids would be in the car 12-14 hours each day for two days coming and two going. I didn't see that as horrid.... and neither did they!
I have no idea how that tangent began, but it's worth a blog in and of itself!

My music stopped, and suddenly my thoughts did, too. I wanted to write down what happened between Russ and I a couple of weeks ago. It was a conversation I'd wanted to happen for MONTHS, but God kept me patient and not pushing for it to happen. It finally happened, and I feel so peaceful inside. I would like to say there was an outcome of tangible sorts... and new path of action. However, there was not. I am being shown to respect my husband in the scripture I read. My kids and I are being fed in other places than church. I will be ok with this. I am not a good Christian because I go to church every week. I am not a bad Christian if I do NOT go to church every week. I will miss the community and praise and worship with others. However, I get that every Tuesday. I get to lead and be in the word with children every Thursday. I may end up helping with Kids' Club. I am OK. I will keep praying! I am happy. I love Russ. He is the head of our house. I will pray for him to be under God's will. I know he is... even if he doesn't. :) I am amazed that I have such a wonderful husband, father and friend. I really enjoy him. I love him insanely. I am happy.

Well, Amy Winehouse has got me wanting a drink! Just teasing, of course! :) I only want water! I am going to study for tomorrow! I can't wait to meet my wonderful new kids!

I love my sister and other things

I love my sister. BOY, do I love my sister. I always have. As I have aged, I have found that I love her more for more things. I love that when I'm with her that I somehow feel complete. I know, Jerry McGuire said, "You complete me" while talking to Renee Zellweger. However, she makes me feel complete because she has been the person who has been there since birth! My mother has, too, but she's my mother. My sister is my friend... we fought when we were young. I wanted to be her, but I hated that she was a boss of me. The love is just different, not necessarily better, but different with a sibling. I have such a respect for it that I often find myself trying to instill a bug in a mother of one's ear that she should have another. I'm not pushy, but I just make it a point to highlight all of the great things that siblings have and share. So, since Russ was gone four days last week, he has had some really great play time with the boys. I weeded out the good strand of my wandering jew and replanted them all the while talking to my sister. I must've talked to her for maybe even over an hour and a half. I'm not sure. It didn't feel long until I removed the phone from my sweaty ear! I love that we can talk and talk. I value that so much. She listens to me, and today she could do it well as she was by herself in the house. The girls are with Dad, and Deb's at work. That precious alone time she could've had doing ANYTHING else, and she chose to spend that long talking to ME. I feel so special. Russ was playing with the boys, I was on the patio, she was alone, and so we had this incredibly rare uninterrupted conversation. Since the girls are older than my boys, I feel like listening to her trials with parenting teens, I get a glimpse of what works and doesn't for her, I learn, I file away, and wisdom is gained. It's awesome. I love my sister. My husband is so great to have realized that's how it is. My sister is very important to me. I will talk to her for at least an hour. I will get giddy, silly and totally hyper after having talked to her. I just will. Our relationship makes me happy.

So, I had a happy afternoon!

I am a catholic. I converted in 2002. Russ has been a catholic since birth. So, we have gone to mass every week we are home. We have gone to mass on vacations in many places. However, in the past year, we have slid away somehow... our church is great. The people love seeing us every week, love our boys, and we are part of a community. However, I know my husband's struggling with something. He has lots of great questions for God. He wonders how so much evil can exist. Why doesn't God just take it away since he has control? How can he allow a parent to do horrible things to a child? How can so much sin exist so rampantly in a country to the point of genocide? Why is this necessary? Why does God allow it? I can totally understand. I struggle with those, too. However, since being in Bible Study, I am learning so much of who God is that I find comfort in his plans being better than mine. I think if you believe in God that you have to believe in a Satan. God's battling for all of us. Is this how the Romans felt? The early Christians. Like, "God, there's still alot of war and evil. Why aren't you here yet? How long does this have to go on? When are you coming to stop it?" So, I feel that way, too.... I just have to believe he has SOME sort of reason for not coming just yet. I also feel like it's getting close. This world is falling apart. I really fear for the world's state when my kids are older.... like I may not even get a chance to be a grandmother. Honestly. I don't stay awake, have anxiety or cry about it. I just feel like there's a real chance the world will kill itself before I'm 60. I have to just make sure my life is in the best order as possible and keep my passion for Christ.

So, Russ was out of town, and my friend, Amy, invited me to her church. I was co-leader of this church's mom's group. I was in bible study. I became a children's leader. I feel like I almost know more people there than my own church! (There are A LOT of gray haired people at our church.) Well, I went a few weeks ago. It was fun to see everyone in their church... to say good morning to so many friends... to sit in their pews and experience what they love. However, my kids were SOOOOO happy when I picked them up. They LOVED it and couldn't stop talking about it. They were pumped. They learned verses. They played. They watched a video. They KNEW stuff and could answer questions. Our church has Children's Liturgy, but they read the gospel message for that Sunday, and I think the teacher just tells them what it means and doesn't really discuss it too much. They only have 20" to do so. And then the kids color a random coloring page. They come back to mass and sit the next 30"- and stand and walk up for communion, etc. :) Well, I have been mentioning to Russ since last year that maybe we need to change churches- catholic churches. He says it'll be the same there, too. However, I don't feel like I can pry right now too much with him about it. I don't want to shut him down. I don't want to build a wall. I feel like God's telling me "In his own time and mine." So, I don't push. But, we talked about another church not only for him but for the kids mostly. They were beginning to push back about going because it's so boring for them. This other church was familiar to them, too, since they took AWANA there. They loved it.

Well, Russ' last few weeks have been incredible stressful at work, and he opted for a mountain biking ride this morning, and so I was going to head back to church with Amy. She called in the morning to say they weren't going; one of the boys was sick. I went alone and sat with other friends. The boys again were SO happy when I picked them up. They could discuss what they had learned. Anthony recalled the verse at bedtime AND the Hebrew phrase for "Be strong and courageous." What the? He wants to do Kid's Club AND AWANA this year. He's my Jesus lover- as is Chas. They LOVE to read the bible every night. (Children's Study Bible) I feel like my desire to change churches from the beginning was for the kids. I feel like I'm being challenged on that now.

I don't believe the Eucharist is the actual body and blood of Christ. I do like the respect and reverence for communion, though. I don't believe Mary was without sin. There are other things about the Catholic faith I do not believe. You see, when I converted, it was all about y relationship with Christ. A year's worth of classes never said, "If you want to be Catholic, you have to believe A, B and C. You can't be Catholic if you disagree on this point." So, I felt like that was OK. I enjoy the Catholic church. I was baptized a Methodist, and I did miss the praise and worship from that time. Our church here has a mass with an awesome choir, guitar, drums, violin, flute, etc. It's great! They will sing contemporary songs in the beginning or after collection or communion. But, it's hit or miss on the relevance of the homily. I think you can nitpick every church. I like our church. I like Amy's church. I was just challenged today. I saw someone with whom I don't respect. That may be harsh. I just don't want my kids with hers. I was challenged. Could you attend another church given all of ITS flaws? I'm not comfortable with people dancing willy nilly in the aisles. It's a distraction. If someone were to speak in tongues, I'd freak out and want to run. Do they really need the attention? To be super special? It's not necessary. We don't understand, so why do they feel we need to hear? I guess I sat there today and really had to ask what I'd be OK with so that my kids were fed. I'm not saying I'm changing churches. I haven't even brought it up to Russ. He would NOT be comfortable there. He would probably squirm. I think it's all very personal to him, and those who experience Christ in such open ways would probably make him uncomfortable to say the least.

I understand on Sunday we are there to meet as a community with God and be fed. I understand we all experience Him in different ways. He all praise and give him glory in different ways. We all feel his presence in different ways that moves us differently. Now, I picked up Russ after church, and we met friends of our from that church for lunch. They had interestly enough been at a Catholic church the night before talking about fostering kids. My friend was telling me that she was praying a lot about God changing her heart because she was feeling judgemental. "I don't like the way they do that." "They should do that better." "That isn't (whatever)." She had to think about the things she DID like... the things she thought they may have been going better... even the little things like holding up the word of God as it was brought down the aisle. So, I have to think about that. What do I like? What is important to me that I don't think I'd want changed? I have lots to ponder! I feel like my kids need to be somewhere else. I feel like that somewhere else may be Amy's church. I feel like I want a verse from God. :)

Anyway... this is going to be a long blog. I've got some introspection to do. I struggled with being judgemental today and yet being so happy for the things I loved. I wish Russ would be with me on this one.

I am forever learning about my kids...

An easy one first. Starks loves socks. I have learned this about him just in the last week. I found a pair of socks that have little reindeer heads on the ankles that I had put away due a hole in the toe. Well, I mended the toe, and now they fit Starks. He LOVED them (just as Chas had when they were his... in fact, Chas stretched them over his feet last week claiming they still fit!), and he has since emptied his drawer of all socks every day or so. Today he AND his friends donned socks on their feet and hands along with the usual swords, light sabers, etc. It was very cute. I may actually include a picture of all three, but I will certainly include this picture of Starks with 6 PAIRS of socks on his feet... 12 socks in all. :) I have also learned each day this week that he is just a little sad that his brothers are not here all day. He was stroking Anthony's head when we picked him up yesterday from school, and we had to go back to Chas' class this morning so that he could give Chas a hug. He has such a loving heart.

I have learned this summer that Chas leans more toward an introvert, though he's very close to being in between being an extrovert and introvert. What moves him toward one side is that he needs to retreat by himself to refuel. HOWEVER, after reading books to him for over an hour, I learned that he can refuel with someone, as long as that someone is not asking anything of him- other than a listening ear. He kept bringing me book after book to read, and also being a child whose main love language is quality time, it serves a dual purpose. How easy is THAT fix? It was a very nice discovery today. :) I love that boy, and the more I love him, the more he wants of me. Not toys. Not materials. Just me. Oh, Chas... let's always keep it easy like that.

I feel like I should say that I discovered something profound about Anthony. I did find out just how much Katie B. makes him happy. She is not only in his class this year, but they are on the same "team" in class. :) The first day of school, he recruited Chas to spy on her with him at recess. Oh my. So, I brought it up today to a friend of mine- whose daughter I adore- at school, and she said something to the effect of "Yeah... he does have a thing for her." She added that Katie's a great girl- nice, pretty, smart, etc. So, I guess I discovered that he likes her enough that other moms know. Hmmm.... I like her dad (I don't know her mom.), so I may have to bring it up to him tomorrow to make sure he's OK with it, too. Has she said anything? Does it bother her? You know, those kinds of questions. What a sweetheart, my Anthony is. He still initiates hugs in the morning at drop off. I think maybe because he is a year younger than his classmates that those things don't yet bother him. I just hope he's not teased at some point. Until then, I love it!

Well, I should relax. I have had a huge headache today. I wonder if it's from my bike ride and holding my head in that position of bending over with my torso and looking up with my neck/head for that long. I finally broke down and took medicine, so I hope that helps. Tomorrow Russ comes home! :) Yea!!! I am ready. I am ready to have a body here next to me at night. I miss always just feeling safe when he's here. I know he'll protect us. I miss big guy hugs. What a great husband, children and life I have!