Where do I begin?

Heaven's to Betsy! (Deep sigh on my part just now) I have GOT to get this down and get this out. I am losing it inside, and I can feel my insides shaking I am just fed up.

Where do I begin? How about with the absurd. MeMe just HAD to watch the news since she had done without for SO long- maybe days... we don't know. SO, alas we're going to again ignore or be annoyed by the kids to watch some freakin TV. I watched while I sat and ate some cereal... apparently, there was an 8 yr old boy in Arizona who killed his father and father's friend by shooting them, bragged about it and then had no problem confessing to police. He will now be tried as a child as they think that'll be best for the boy... that Juvenile Hall can help him better. I don't pretend to know whether or not one can over the other. I did say, "I can't imagine..." I was interrupted as usual, this time by a "You don't know." I said, "I don't know what? What did I say?" (since I hadn't gotten to say anything, really) To which the reply was "You can't say that you can't imagine... you don't know." "I don't know what?" "You don't know if your kids would do anything like that."

I feel like I should just end it at that. It's totally absurd and devoid of needing an explanation. However, Russ did ask Anthony if he'd shoot and brag to his friends about it. Anthony, of course, answered "No." When Russ asked further if Anthony would feel happy or sad if he accidentally shot Russ, Anthony replied with laughter a "sad." Anthony understood the idiocy of it all. How that would escape another, I don't know.

Where to go now? I feel like the next avenue to explore is the aforementioned MeMe. Well, that's the name for a "Me Monster." I thought of calling one MeMo... hence an abbreviation of each word, but a Me Monster really wants it all to be about them anyway, so I thought MeMe was most appropriate.

Brian Regan has a great bit in his comedy act about a person who is a MeMe. They one up your stories... I can't remember that particular part as well as others. However, I have discovered more attributes! Not one of the happiest finds in life, but alas, it is what it is. A MeMe reverts EVERYTHING back to themselves. This can be mid sentence, mid story, or out of the blue quiet. Suddenly, we are again focused on them and their whatever it may be. They also interrupt like crazy as to not allow another too much of the attention in a block of time. You won't get to the punchline. You won't ever get to tell a moral or talk about the lesson you learned. Just realize it's not happening. So, one must resort to not talking as to not get frustrated or feel senile in any way! It's not fun. As a parent, it's not often about me anyway, but when I am shut out on other levels or made to feel less important, it pisses me off to say the least. I hate to put it that way, but I feel so stiffled that I get angry. (another big sigh) My goodness.

Now, add to that a passive aggressive nature. Oh my goodness gracious. MeMe is going to clean up your child's mess and either make a huge point of it to your or the child or add restrictions stemming from it. "What do you want out of your backpack? I cleaned up that big mess, so if you get something out, make sure you put it all back." (Add to that the inference that there will indeed be another huge mess coming- as usual...) Granted, the huge mess encompasses an area of 1ft by 2ft tops! Chas asked this morning if he could go outside, and before I could say anything, the words "No you can't" were spoken for me. Rather than fight the MeMe, I said, "No, sweetheart, it's raining." However, another voice spoke "Well, why not?" so I jumped on board and said, "Well, if you don't care about getting wet, then go ahead. Just get dressed and put shoes on. To that, I went downstairs to get out their clothes, and they wanted out to look inside the half window into the bathroom in the basement. One was out, the other in- each to get the perspective of the other. Then, they switched places... one going outside and the other coming in to see out from the bathroom. (The window had just been discovered that morning.) So, I had remained in the basement putting away the clothes I had cleaned. All of a sudden, Russ walks in and tells the boys to be quiet, but kisses them so sweetly. I find out later the part I did not hear, but the part that made Russ come out of his bed. It was the "IS ANYONE WATCHING THESE BOYS?!" comment. Russ knew they were not doing anything wrong, and he made sure they knew that. Passive Aggressive.

Let's move to expectations. Now, it was hard for me to realize that my mother would not necessarily be the grandparent I wanted her to be for my kids. She wasn't going to a particular mother for me, but the consequences of that were hurtful only to myself. The grandparent part might affect my kids... that one was a little harder to swallow. However, I did. We have not flown our kids to see my mom... it just wouldn't happen for many reasons. However, we chose to fly here for many people to see our kids. We have in turn seen many of our own friends, but the kids are the priority. We would expect and hope that people would want to see them more. At the dinner table the other night, I heard this spoken, "I love you more than I love them." (pointing to the table at which the kids were sitting not 4 feet away) Now, Anthony's old enough to kind of understand there may be a negative in those words, and Chas hears almost everything. You may not know he was listening until it comes out days later.... but likely he hears. What does a child think? We can't know. This was one of those things that I have filed away. I will always love my boys. Guaranteed. I hope to love them enough to let them go. I hope to love them so much now that I don't have to pour it on them as much as adults. I will enjoy them. I will talk to them. I will love them. I will do it now so that I don't feel like I have to later.... so I can them change my focus to their kids, God willing.

Wake up. Make coffee. Get paper. Do crossword puzzle. Do Sudoku. Drink coffee and eat breakfast. Sit in chair. Watch TV. Sit in chair. Shower. Nap? Maybe now, maybe after lunch. "Want to sit on my lap?" Watch TV. "Make sure you clean up." Nap if it wasn't done before. Eat dinner. Watch TV in chair. Lean over chair to kiss kids goodnight, or turn head to say it. Watch TV. Fall asleep in chair.

I ask you. How much were those plane tickets? How much is that rental car for 10 days? How many vacation days were taken? How often do you miss your grand kids? What is it exactly that you miss about them? Having them walking in the same house? Ever play with them? Do you remember how to play? Oh.... you don't like animated movies so you don't want to join your 6 grand kids at the theater. That's a shame. It's laundry day? Yes, I'll make sure our laundry is out for you... we'll be out of the house, too, so you can clean.

I have asked to stay in a hotel just about every time we've visited. The cigarette smoke annoys my nose, burns my throat, infests my clothes, and just plain stinks. I am glad that they don't smoke in the house a day or so before we arrive. Lots of candles are burned as to saturate the air and cover the nicotine and smoke smell. However, the last two days we've been out of the house seeing friends. The smoke gets thicker and thicker. Today when we walked in after being out since 9:20am, it was like an old bar. They are smoking when we're not here. If it's one thing they know, it's that we can't stand the smoke. Why would you? Is it the passive aggressive nature- a retaliation for something I'm not aware? Are you angry? Are you really that inconsiderate? And make my kids suffer, too? I can tell that you are annoyed at them. I"m sure you are at me, too. Obviously, you care mostly about Russ. Russ has said that he is NEVER going to use vacation to see family again. I understand. I feel that way, too- aside from my sister. I have just about had enough. This does not feel like a home away from home, a comfortable place to stay, or even a warm place. I am almost a prisoner for another day! My goodness.

You know, I told my friend, T, that I felt a stiffling almost as soon as we touched down in PA. This area makes me feel stiffled physically and emotionally. I have reflected on that a week now trying to come up with a reason why. I'm not there yet. I do know that I feel held to some crazy way of life. The kind of life that ties you to sending Thank You cards for EVERYTHING. Where there is guilt in decisions. Where you are judged on so many things. I do not like it here. Part of that is because I reminded of the "Old Verlana" that lived here. I was not happy. Today, my life in California, I am happy. I am free! In so MANY ways, I am free. Here, I am judged. I am put in a box. I feel like my mind is trying to be closed by outside forces. I am muddled and not colorful. I have been the "New Verlana" while I am here, but inside, I gets bits of the "old." I don't like it. I like NYC, but not much of the rest of this Northern Coast.

"Love the sinner. Hate the sin." Seriously? First of all, it's a cliche- which I cannot stand. It sounds so "above it all." You are the hater and lover- you are holding some sort of power over another. Is it really possible to love the sinner and hate the sin? If you are loving the sinner, then you are not thinking about the sin. You have forgiven. You are not judging. You are LOVING. Love is kind, does not boast, is not proud or rude or self seeking (I'm a better person for loving you despite of your wicked sin that is so ugly.... I am awesome.). I tell you what. I have seen how the gay issue heats up many a people. I have seem them fume and get angry or argue about it. "There is no scientific evidence to prove that it's genetic." Darling, there is. You can dispute it. You can disprove it if you like with another study that shows another angle. You cannot, however, state that such study doesn't exist. It does. Now, in Labor and Delivery, there were three head Drs over the entire OB/GYN program for residents. Each one had a study that supported at what time they thought was "term" for delivering a baby. Each in turn had three different gestations. You can find an argument, study or whatever to support your theory on most things. In the end, it doesn't matter much. What matters is your conviction and level of comfort. Do you abandon someone in your family or disown them for being gay? Is that "Loving the sinner and hating the sin?" Are they going to contaminate your box? Are you afraid of what they may bring into your life? Did they bring that for the other years you were living them? Or is this all about you? A betrayal you may feel? That's what started the conversation... I just kept my mouth shut, but I was fuming! Love the sinner, hate the sin. Not possible as a human. I think we should just cut it off at Love the sinner. Hate the sin means revisiting it... acknowledging it... tossing it around in your head and thinking about how thankful you are that you don't have that sin... thinking about the sin. Don't think about it! Don't beat a dead horse. Love the sinner. (Another audible sigh) I could go on here, but my wrists are hurting from this fast typing.

I don't know. I needed to really just get these few things out. I have been happy to have been gone these last two days for a big chunk of them, but not happy upon our smoky return. :( I can't take the all of the remarks much longer. I can't take the stiffling. I can't take the guilt. I am free. I am free in the Lord. I am free in my marriage. I am free as a mother with my kids. I am free in my friendships to be me. I am not always great. I am a pain in the ass many times in many ways. I have no idea why my husband loves me despite all of it. I have no idea how much longer my friends will put up with me. But for the moment, I am free. Thank God Almighty, Free at last!