My Exodus from myself

So, we're studying Exodus this year in Bible Study. When I read the book this summer, I had no idea how it would relate to and help me. It just didn't seem too interesting or applicable- as contrasted to Revelation last year! However, as I'm studying more and more, I'm realizing I needed this study at this time. I have felt like each study of chapters has applied specifically and firmly to my life that week. I felt like Moses calling out in frustration about doing what the Lord had told him yet not getting the results he wanted and not right THEN. I needed that week's message of God's timing and my patience. I could go on for each week how I got an application, but it really struck me this week how most of us in my group all needed these particular chapters on God's provision, keeping His plan and not our own, fighting the enemy, the Lord hears us cry out, etc. We were all struggling in some capacity with those things in our lives this week.
I had mentioned to Russ how long and deep this 10 page study was for the week, and I mentioned one of the questions asked of us. "Where and how are you tempted to compromise in your obedience to God?" Russ replied, "How many pages do you have?" I loved that! How true it is. I just so want things MY way and want to do what I want even though I know it's wrong. When Russ came back from Asia with Anthony last Wed, I hadn't really been missing them or feeling like I needed them home. I loved having them back, but they could've stayed several more days, and I would've been fine. Then, we went through two days of them trying to get back into sleeping during the night and not the day. Then, it was just the adjustment of having two more people in the house. I felt like that was such a difficult adjustment for us. I had been independent for two weeks and doing things my way. Then, things change. Russ and Anthony, too, had to adjust to picking up after themselves since they weren't in a hotel any longer! MAN. I didn't anticipate those problems before they came home. It shook me... and I became resentful... and it grew with each sock I picked up, dish I washed, hour I didn't get to claim, etc. I kept getting scripture about humbling myself, serving, not being prideful, yet I couldn't help myself. I felt like I NEEDED to say spiteful things to Russ stemming from my frustration and anger. I didn't want to be a nagging Mom who had to keep reminding everyone to pick up after themselves (though I knew I couldn't do it for them or they would not learn). I was choosing for myself. I was grumbling inside and to those around me- like the Israelites did, and not to God. I read about the mistakes they made in grumbling to Moses, and I needed to get that reality check. It's not all about me. I'd love to think it is at times, but it's not. How many times can I run and jam to "So Long Self" before the message sinks in?
Anyway, I'm beginning what I hope is an exodus from myself. I hope it's a journey out of my world and into another. One where I can more often put God first and trust in his provisions and plan. Now, I'm surprised when God provides in response to my calling out to him. Yet he always does, and I have no reason to be surprised at all. Yet I am. Why is that? Doesn't history and faithfulness on His part prove that he will ALWAYS? That's a rhetorical question, of course. I just need to trust. And when he does answer me, I hope to remember, like Moses, to put a banner praising him.
That's where I am. I'm feeling pretty cruddy, but hopeful... Ashamed of how I can be so selfish, but inspired to change. I'm ready to humble myself and serve with a giving heart. Stand aside, pride! Let's hope this lasts for more than a day! :) That's not a very long journey.