Thanking the LORD

Let's recount...
Russ was gone two weeks in PA and Asia. After coming home, he worked until after 7 or 8 each night last week. By the time this weekend came around, I had been independent and running everything for three weeks. He had become an annoyance and definitely didn't do things how I wanted him to do them. Thus, I grew a bitter heart. I was critical of everything. We had a great time Saturday night, but I never really shook the resentment I had held onto.
So, Sunday while I stood in church, I started praying to God and confessing this sin of heart. I pleaded with him to "Create in me a clean heart, oh God." (Ps 51:10) I honestly just felt lighter. I felt like I nailed it and my burden was immediately taken away. But, it really wasn't... I had held on to a part of it.

That afternoon, I did my bible study and came downstairs to the boys having computer time and Daddy on the couch with his ever present laptop. (sigh) I snapped at him, told the boys to get off the computer (even though they were having fun), and brought everyone in the kitchen to make some gingerbread men cookies!! They had a ball, Anthony even helped me make dinner while Chas was doing his part of the cookies, and we were all happy. After dinner, Russ took the boys upstairs to play, and I stayed down to clean up. As I was cleaning, "Your love is extravagant" by Casting Crowns started playing. I immediately was overwhelmed with sadness at how I hadn't really trashed the dirty feelings, and I started to cry. Now, I don't cry often. In all honesty, I am pretty much happy most of the time, and if I'm sad, I don't have time to cry! :) So, it all came pouring out while I wiped the counters, the table, cleaned the stainless steel, etc. I even had to restart the song as I just needed to keep hearing those words. But, before I restarted the song, I almost stopped crying and continued to wipe down the trash can! I heard God ask me what I was doing. I replied, "I know! I don't know why!" So, I stayed in my crouched position sitting on the kitchen floor crying until I felt like it was all out.

While I had this moment, there was a lot of talking between God and me. It was back and forth. I think it wasn't just sadness that drained from me, but overwhelming joy that I was having this moment with him. It was awesome.

Starks had come downstairs to see me and asked why I was crying. He was the only one who saw me or knew about it. And he didn't tell anyone else. When I was done, I knew that I felt like Thanking God for his rescuing my heart and talking me through. I decided to fast.

I LOVE FOOD! I ALWAYS get irritable, shaky, headaches, or just feel plain nasty when I don't eat frequently enough. So, I eat frequently. I eat man sized portions! I rarely even go a day without dessert of some kind. I love it. I think the only reason I exercise sometimes is to support my eating habits! :) Anyway, since I had never really fasted, I asked a friend to do it with me. I prayed about it from Sunday on, and I asked my prayer partner to pray for me, too. My husband, my sons, my prayer partner, and Teresa (who was doing it with me) were the only people who knew about it.

Monday was a day off from school for the boys, so we headed to SF Zoo with friends (four other families). It was gorgeous weather, loads of fun, and just a great day. I had pictured my day before fasting as making sure I ate enough for two days! :) However, it didn't really go that way at all! I ate a big bowl of granola and berries for breakfast, 3/4 of a pbj & some goldfish crackers at lunch, two cubes of sweet potatoes (they jumped from the dish, and I saved them), and five bites of pork tenderloin. I made dinner for a friend, so I had to try out the meat before taking it to her... five times. Anyway, after dropping off the meal, I stopped at T's to say "Hello" before heading home. I have NO idea WHAT I was thinking. I never stop in at a friend's house; I stay for a while. Well, I came out to get in the van, and the sun was down. No dinner for me.

We came home, and I made dinner for everyone else. Russ got home at 7:00, and after putting the boys to bed, I took a bath to focus on what was ahead. He went downstairs to sit in front of the TV. When I joined him at 8:15, he was already asleep! What a blessing because I was feeling mighty tired, too! I went to bed around 9, and I slept so well. When I awoke, I felt great. In fact, I felt awesome the entire day!?!?!? I actually could not stop smiling, I felt like I was radiating, and I was so peaceful inside. Strange. I had maybe two times of feeling for a second a hunger pang- when I smelled the dinner in the crockpot on our arrival home and one time in Leader's, but I think that was the way I was sitting all bent over. I never was shaky. I wasn't lightheaded. I wasn't weak.

I WAS, however, obsessed with realizing how great I felt. I had told God that for every time I thought about food I would thank him for something. I did A LOT of thanking today! And I loved it! I loved talking to him 24/7. I loved praying when I felt hungry or like I was obsessing about something or doubting. I honestly was not even hungry when dinnertime came around. I ate because I felt like I should. I laugh sitting here now because there was no drama!!! It was easy. Why? Because God made it that way. Because he helped me (and I actually asked) and stayed near me all day. Because for once in my life I did a pretty good job making it all about Him. I almost felt like when I did start eating that I lost a part of that feeling. The feeling of closeness. It definitely encourages me to do it again. THANK YOU, LORD!!!!
Your Love is Extravagant!