So, I really don't have that much to say, but I thought I should talk about SOMETHING since my last blog. I am fortunate to have found the time while away from home to blog and get emotions out. However, as usual, as time goes on, the emotions cool off and peace settles. I talked to Amy that night I blogged and asked for prayer. I prayed that night when I went to bed.
The next morning when I awoke at 5:30am with Starks, I grabbed his little body after he went potty and snuggled with him in my bed. He went back to sleep for a while, but I was up for the day. I lay there in bed thinking about how to begin my day. I wanted to bring something about how I felt up with MeMe, and I prayed to God to give me the words. I needed it to come from him, as I didn't want to confront and put anyone on the defensive. I went over in my head how I thought the conversation would pan out. And, when I finally left the bedroom and saw her that morning, it was one of the first things I said. The conversation played out just how I'd thought, but she said the visit was going great. It was wonderful in fact.
Later that morning, Russ' dad left for an appt, and MeMe shared with us some details on life. I think his frustration, grumpiness and negativity (some of it appropriate for his condition having just had surgery) affected her- in turn affecting us two fold. Anyway, it was nice to hear some real thoughts from her. It was a real conversation... not staccato or fluffy. It was life Monday was a 180 from the rest of our time. It was our last day, and it was nice. It was prayer. I thanked God over and over. I thank him again for his grace for me- that I may in turn have grace with others and myself.
(sigh)
So, I'm sitting here today waiting until I get to grab my kids from school and have TWO WEEKS off with them!!!! I cannot wait to have them all to myself. I anticipate us staying in pj's, playing, watching TV, going to the Children's Museum, etc. It should be a little snippet of summer. :) I am so excited, too, for Christmas. I love this time of year. Being out of town has made it feel less like a season and more like a few weeks. But alas, it is still wonderful. I have not baked yet, but I plan to start with the kids now! Life is good.
We are thinking now about a dog... and a new car. We are split on what's really important in a car, but I'm hoping we can get to a unanimous decision this weekend. However, I DID drive a Honda Pilot today... just to see if it's on the list! It's TOTALLY on the list! I really like it. I can see our three boys and Amy's, too, in the summer riding to the beach!
Well, there's not much to say. I love my family and am so blessed to have them with me each day. Life is very good. I am happy to spend time with just each other this Christmas. God has given me such a wonderful start here with my family, and this is my priority- my gift.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Where do I begin?
Heaven's to Betsy! (Deep sigh on my part just now) I have GOT to get this down and get this out. I am losing it inside, and I can feel my insides shaking I am just fed up.
Where do I begin? How about with the absurd. MeMe just HAD to watch the news since she had done without for SO long- maybe days... we don't know. SO, alas we're going to again ignore or be annoyed by the kids to watch some freakin TV. I watched while I sat and ate some cereal... apparently, there was an 8 yr old boy in Arizona who killed his father and father's friend by shooting them, bragged about it and then had no problem confessing to police. He will now be tried as a child as they think that'll be best for the boy... that Juvenile Hall can help him better. I don't pretend to know whether or not one can over the other. I did say, "I can't imagine..." I was interrupted as usual, this time by a "You don't know." I said, "I don't know what? What did I say?" (since I hadn't gotten to say anything, really) To which the reply was "You can't say that you can't imagine... you don't know." "I don't know what?" "You don't know if your kids would do anything like that."
I feel like I should just end it at that. It's totally absurd and devoid of needing an explanation. However, Russ did ask Anthony if he'd shoot and brag to his friends about it. Anthony, of course, answered "No." When Russ asked further if Anthony would feel happy or sad if he accidentally shot Russ, Anthony replied with laughter a "sad." Anthony understood the idiocy of it all. How that would escape another, I don't know.
Where to go now? I feel like the next avenue to explore is the aforementioned MeMe. Well, that's the name for a "Me Monster." I thought of calling one MeMo... hence an abbreviation of each word, but a Me Monster really wants it all to be about them anyway, so I thought MeMe was most appropriate.
Brian Regan has a great bit in his comedy act about a person who is a MeMe. They one up your stories... I can't remember that particular part as well as others. However, I have discovered more attributes! Not one of the happiest finds in life, but alas, it is what it is. A MeMe reverts EVERYTHING back to themselves. This can be mid sentence, mid story, or out of the blue quiet. Suddenly, we are again focused on them and their whatever it may be. They also interrupt like crazy as to not allow another too much of the attention in a block of time. You won't get to the punchline. You won't ever get to tell a moral or talk about the lesson you learned. Just realize it's not happening. So, one must resort to not talking as to not get frustrated or feel senile in any way! It's not fun. As a parent, it's not often about me anyway, but when I am shut out on other levels or made to feel less important, it pisses me off to say the least. I hate to put it that way, but I feel so stiffled that I get angry. (another big sigh) My goodness.
Now, add to that a passive aggressive nature. Oh my goodness gracious. MeMe is going to clean up your child's mess and either make a huge point of it to your or the child or add restrictions stemming from it. "What do you want out of your backpack? I cleaned up that big mess, so if you get something out, make sure you put it all back." (Add to that the inference that there will indeed be another huge mess coming- as usual...) Granted, the huge mess encompasses an area of 1ft by 2ft tops! Chas asked this morning if he could go outside, and before I could say anything, the words "No you can't" were spoken for me. Rather than fight the MeMe, I said, "No, sweetheart, it's raining." However, another voice spoke "Well, why not?" so I jumped on board and said, "Well, if you don't care about getting wet, then go ahead. Just get dressed and put shoes on. To that, I went downstairs to get out their clothes, and they wanted out to look inside the half window into the bathroom in the basement. One was out, the other in- each to get the perspective of the other. Then, they switched places... one going outside and the other coming in to see out from the bathroom. (The window had just been discovered that morning.) So, I had remained in the basement putting away the clothes I had cleaned. All of a sudden, Russ walks in and tells the boys to be quiet, but kisses them so sweetly. I find out later the part I did not hear, but the part that made Russ come out of his bed. It was the "IS ANYONE WATCHING THESE BOYS?!" comment. Russ knew they were not doing anything wrong, and he made sure they knew that. Passive Aggressive.
Let's move to expectations. Now, it was hard for me to realize that my mother would not necessarily be the grandparent I wanted her to be for my kids. She wasn't going to a particular mother for me, but the consequences of that were hurtful only to myself. The grandparent part might affect my kids... that one was a little harder to swallow. However, I did. We have not flown our kids to see my mom... it just wouldn't happen for many reasons. However, we chose to fly here for many people to see our kids. We have in turn seen many of our own friends, but the kids are the priority. We would expect and hope that people would want to see them more. At the dinner table the other night, I heard this spoken, "I love you more than I love them." (pointing to the table at which the kids were sitting not 4 feet away) Now, Anthony's old enough to kind of understand there may be a negative in those words, and Chas hears almost everything. You may not know he was listening until it comes out days later.... but likely he hears. What does a child think? We can't know. This was one of those things that I have filed away. I will always love my boys. Guaranteed. I hope to love them enough to let them go. I hope to love them so much now that I don't have to pour it on them as much as adults. I will enjoy them. I will talk to them. I will love them. I will do it now so that I don't feel like I have to later.... so I can them change my focus to their kids, God willing.
Wake up. Make coffee. Get paper. Do crossword puzzle. Do Sudoku. Drink coffee and eat breakfast. Sit in chair. Watch TV. Sit in chair. Shower. Nap? Maybe now, maybe after lunch. "Want to sit on my lap?" Watch TV. "Make sure you clean up." Nap if it wasn't done before. Eat dinner. Watch TV in chair. Lean over chair to kiss kids goodnight, or turn head to say it. Watch TV. Fall asleep in chair.
I ask you. How much were those plane tickets? How much is that rental car for 10 days? How many vacation days were taken? How often do you miss your grand kids? What is it exactly that you miss about them? Having them walking in the same house? Ever play with them? Do you remember how to play? Oh.... you don't like animated movies so you don't want to join your 6 grand kids at the theater. That's a shame. It's laundry day? Yes, I'll make sure our laundry is out for you... we'll be out of the house, too, so you can clean.
I have asked to stay in a hotel just about every time we've visited. The cigarette smoke annoys my nose, burns my throat, infests my clothes, and just plain stinks. I am glad that they don't smoke in the house a day or so before we arrive. Lots of candles are burned as to saturate the air and cover the nicotine and smoke smell. However, the last two days we've been out of the house seeing friends. The smoke gets thicker and thicker. Today when we walked in after being out since 9:20am, it was like an old bar. They are smoking when we're not here. If it's one thing they know, it's that we can't stand the smoke. Why would you? Is it the passive aggressive nature- a retaliation for something I'm not aware? Are you angry? Are you really that inconsiderate? And make my kids suffer, too? I can tell that you are annoyed at them. I"m sure you are at me, too. Obviously, you care mostly about Russ. Russ has said that he is NEVER going to use vacation to see family again. I understand. I feel that way, too- aside from my sister. I have just about had enough. This does not feel like a home away from home, a comfortable place to stay, or even a warm place. I am almost a prisoner for another day! My goodness.
You know, I told my friend, T, that I felt a stiffling almost as soon as we touched down in PA. This area makes me feel stiffled physically and emotionally. I have reflected on that a week now trying to come up with a reason why. I'm not there yet. I do know that I feel held to some crazy way of life. The kind of life that ties you to sending Thank You cards for EVERYTHING. Where there is guilt in decisions. Where you are judged on so many things. I do not like it here. Part of that is because I reminded of the "Old Verlana" that lived here. I was not happy. Today, my life in California, I am happy. I am free! In so MANY ways, I am free. Here, I am judged. I am put in a box. I feel like my mind is trying to be closed by outside forces. I am muddled and not colorful. I have been the "New Verlana" while I am here, but inside, I gets bits of the "old." I don't like it. I like NYC, but not much of the rest of this Northern Coast.
"Love the sinner. Hate the sin." Seriously? First of all, it's a cliche- which I cannot stand. It sounds so "above it all." You are the hater and lover- you are holding some sort of power over another. Is it really possible to love the sinner and hate the sin? If you are loving the sinner, then you are not thinking about the sin. You have forgiven. You are not judging. You are LOVING. Love is kind, does not boast, is not proud or rude or self seeking (I'm a better person for loving you despite of your wicked sin that is so ugly.... I am awesome.). I tell you what. I have seen how the gay issue heats up many a people. I have seem them fume and get angry or argue about it. "There is no scientific evidence to prove that it's genetic." Darling, there is. You can dispute it. You can disprove it if you like with another study that shows another angle. You cannot, however, state that such study doesn't exist. It does. Now, in Labor and Delivery, there were three head Drs over the entire OB/GYN program for residents. Each one had a study that supported at what time they thought was "term" for delivering a baby. Each in turn had three different gestations. You can find an argument, study or whatever to support your theory on most things. In the end, it doesn't matter much. What matters is your conviction and level of comfort. Do you abandon someone in your family or disown them for being gay? Is that "Loving the sinner and hating the sin?" Are they going to contaminate your box? Are you afraid of what they may bring into your life? Did they bring that for the other years you were living them? Or is this all about you? A betrayal you may feel? That's what started the conversation... I just kept my mouth shut, but I was fuming! Love the sinner, hate the sin. Not possible as a human. I think we should just cut it off at Love the sinner. Hate the sin means revisiting it... acknowledging it... tossing it around in your head and thinking about how thankful you are that you don't have that sin... thinking about the sin. Don't think about it! Don't beat a dead horse. Love the sinner. (Another audible sigh) I could go on here, but my wrists are hurting from this fast typing.
I don't know. I needed to really just get these few things out. I have been happy to have been gone these last two days for a big chunk of them, but not happy upon our smoky return. :( I can't take the all of the remarks much longer. I can't take the stiffling. I can't take the guilt. I am free. I am free in the Lord. I am free in my marriage. I am free as a mother with my kids. I am free in my friendships to be me. I am not always great. I am a pain in the ass many times in many ways. I have no idea why my husband loves me despite all of it. I have no idea how much longer my friends will put up with me. But for the moment, I am free. Thank God Almighty, Free at last!
Where do I begin? How about with the absurd. MeMe just HAD to watch the news since she had done without for SO long- maybe days... we don't know. SO, alas we're going to again ignore or be annoyed by the kids to watch some freakin TV. I watched while I sat and ate some cereal... apparently, there was an 8 yr old boy in Arizona who killed his father and father's friend by shooting them, bragged about it and then had no problem confessing to police. He will now be tried as a child as they think that'll be best for the boy... that Juvenile Hall can help him better. I don't pretend to know whether or not one can over the other. I did say, "I can't imagine..." I was interrupted as usual, this time by a "You don't know." I said, "I don't know what? What did I say?" (since I hadn't gotten to say anything, really) To which the reply was "You can't say that you can't imagine... you don't know." "I don't know what?" "You don't know if your kids would do anything like that."
I feel like I should just end it at that. It's totally absurd and devoid of needing an explanation. However, Russ did ask Anthony if he'd shoot and brag to his friends about it. Anthony, of course, answered "No." When Russ asked further if Anthony would feel happy or sad if he accidentally shot Russ, Anthony replied with laughter a "sad." Anthony understood the idiocy of it all. How that would escape another, I don't know.
Where to go now? I feel like the next avenue to explore is the aforementioned MeMe. Well, that's the name for a "Me Monster." I thought of calling one MeMo... hence an abbreviation of each word, but a Me Monster really wants it all to be about them anyway, so I thought MeMe was most appropriate.
Brian Regan has a great bit in his comedy act about a person who is a MeMe. They one up your stories... I can't remember that particular part as well as others. However, I have discovered more attributes! Not one of the happiest finds in life, but alas, it is what it is. A MeMe reverts EVERYTHING back to themselves. This can be mid sentence, mid story, or out of the blue quiet. Suddenly, we are again focused on them and their whatever it may be. They also interrupt like crazy as to not allow another too much of the attention in a block of time. You won't get to the punchline. You won't ever get to tell a moral or talk about the lesson you learned. Just realize it's not happening. So, one must resort to not talking as to not get frustrated or feel senile in any way! It's not fun. As a parent, it's not often about me anyway, but when I am shut out on other levels or made to feel less important, it pisses me off to say the least. I hate to put it that way, but I feel so stiffled that I get angry. (another big sigh) My goodness.
Now, add to that a passive aggressive nature. Oh my goodness gracious. MeMe is going to clean up your child's mess and either make a huge point of it to your or the child or add restrictions stemming from it. "What do you want out of your backpack? I cleaned up that big mess, so if you get something out, make sure you put it all back." (Add to that the inference that there will indeed be another huge mess coming- as usual...) Granted, the huge mess encompasses an area of 1ft by 2ft tops! Chas asked this morning if he could go outside, and before I could say anything, the words "No you can't" were spoken for me. Rather than fight the MeMe, I said, "No, sweetheart, it's raining." However, another voice spoke "Well, why not?" so I jumped on board and said, "Well, if you don't care about getting wet, then go ahead. Just get dressed and put shoes on. To that, I went downstairs to get out their clothes, and they wanted out to look inside the half window into the bathroom in the basement. One was out, the other in- each to get the perspective of the other. Then, they switched places... one going outside and the other coming in to see out from the bathroom. (The window had just been discovered that morning.) So, I had remained in the basement putting away the clothes I had cleaned. All of a sudden, Russ walks in and tells the boys to be quiet, but kisses them so sweetly. I find out later the part I did not hear, but the part that made Russ come out of his bed. It was the "IS ANYONE WATCHING THESE BOYS?!" comment. Russ knew they were not doing anything wrong, and he made sure they knew that. Passive Aggressive.
Let's move to expectations. Now, it was hard for me to realize that my mother would not necessarily be the grandparent I wanted her to be for my kids. She wasn't going to a particular mother for me, but the consequences of that were hurtful only to myself. The grandparent part might affect my kids... that one was a little harder to swallow. However, I did. We have not flown our kids to see my mom... it just wouldn't happen for many reasons. However, we chose to fly here for many people to see our kids. We have in turn seen many of our own friends, but the kids are the priority. We would expect and hope that people would want to see them more. At the dinner table the other night, I heard this spoken, "I love you more than I love them." (pointing to the table at which the kids were sitting not 4 feet away) Now, Anthony's old enough to kind of understand there may be a negative in those words, and Chas hears almost everything. You may not know he was listening until it comes out days later.... but likely he hears. What does a child think? We can't know. This was one of those things that I have filed away. I will always love my boys. Guaranteed. I hope to love them enough to let them go. I hope to love them so much now that I don't have to pour it on them as much as adults. I will enjoy them. I will talk to them. I will love them. I will do it now so that I don't feel like I have to later.... so I can them change my focus to their kids, God willing.
Wake up. Make coffee. Get paper. Do crossword puzzle. Do Sudoku. Drink coffee and eat breakfast. Sit in chair. Watch TV. Sit in chair. Shower. Nap? Maybe now, maybe after lunch. "Want to sit on my lap?" Watch TV. "Make sure you clean up." Nap if it wasn't done before. Eat dinner. Watch TV in chair. Lean over chair to kiss kids goodnight, or turn head to say it. Watch TV. Fall asleep in chair.
I ask you. How much were those plane tickets? How much is that rental car for 10 days? How many vacation days were taken? How often do you miss your grand kids? What is it exactly that you miss about them? Having them walking in the same house? Ever play with them? Do you remember how to play? Oh.... you don't like animated movies so you don't want to join your 6 grand kids at the theater. That's a shame. It's laundry day? Yes, I'll make sure our laundry is out for you... we'll be out of the house, too, so you can clean.
I have asked to stay in a hotel just about every time we've visited. The cigarette smoke annoys my nose, burns my throat, infests my clothes, and just plain stinks. I am glad that they don't smoke in the house a day or so before we arrive. Lots of candles are burned as to saturate the air and cover the nicotine and smoke smell. However, the last two days we've been out of the house seeing friends. The smoke gets thicker and thicker. Today when we walked in after being out since 9:20am, it was like an old bar. They are smoking when we're not here. If it's one thing they know, it's that we can't stand the smoke. Why would you? Is it the passive aggressive nature- a retaliation for something I'm not aware? Are you angry? Are you really that inconsiderate? And make my kids suffer, too? I can tell that you are annoyed at them. I"m sure you are at me, too. Obviously, you care mostly about Russ. Russ has said that he is NEVER going to use vacation to see family again. I understand. I feel that way, too- aside from my sister. I have just about had enough. This does not feel like a home away from home, a comfortable place to stay, or even a warm place. I am almost a prisoner for another day! My goodness.
You know, I told my friend, T, that I felt a stiffling almost as soon as we touched down in PA. This area makes me feel stiffled physically and emotionally. I have reflected on that a week now trying to come up with a reason why. I'm not there yet. I do know that I feel held to some crazy way of life. The kind of life that ties you to sending Thank You cards for EVERYTHING. Where there is guilt in decisions. Where you are judged on so many things. I do not like it here. Part of that is because I reminded of the "Old Verlana" that lived here. I was not happy. Today, my life in California, I am happy. I am free! In so MANY ways, I am free. Here, I am judged. I am put in a box. I feel like my mind is trying to be closed by outside forces. I am muddled and not colorful. I have been the "New Verlana" while I am here, but inside, I gets bits of the "old." I don't like it. I like NYC, but not much of the rest of this Northern Coast.
"Love the sinner. Hate the sin." Seriously? First of all, it's a cliche- which I cannot stand. It sounds so "above it all." You are the hater and lover- you are holding some sort of power over another. Is it really possible to love the sinner and hate the sin? If you are loving the sinner, then you are not thinking about the sin. You have forgiven. You are not judging. You are LOVING. Love is kind, does not boast, is not proud or rude or self seeking (I'm a better person for loving you despite of your wicked sin that is so ugly.... I am awesome.). I tell you what. I have seen how the gay issue heats up many a people. I have seem them fume and get angry or argue about it. "There is no scientific evidence to prove that it's genetic." Darling, there is. You can dispute it. You can disprove it if you like with another study that shows another angle. You cannot, however, state that such study doesn't exist. It does. Now, in Labor and Delivery, there were three head Drs over the entire OB/GYN program for residents. Each one had a study that supported at what time they thought was "term" for delivering a baby. Each in turn had three different gestations. You can find an argument, study or whatever to support your theory on most things. In the end, it doesn't matter much. What matters is your conviction and level of comfort. Do you abandon someone in your family or disown them for being gay? Is that "Loving the sinner and hating the sin?" Are they going to contaminate your box? Are you afraid of what they may bring into your life? Did they bring that for the other years you were living them? Or is this all about you? A betrayal you may feel? That's what started the conversation... I just kept my mouth shut, but I was fuming! Love the sinner, hate the sin. Not possible as a human. I think we should just cut it off at Love the sinner. Hate the sin means revisiting it... acknowledging it... tossing it around in your head and thinking about how thankful you are that you don't have that sin... thinking about the sin. Don't think about it! Don't beat a dead horse. Love the sinner. (Another audible sigh) I could go on here, but my wrists are hurting from this fast typing.
I don't know. I needed to really just get these few things out. I have been happy to have been gone these last two days for a big chunk of them, but not happy upon our smoky return. :( I can't take the all of the remarks much longer. I can't take the stiffling. I can't take the guilt. I am free. I am free in the Lord. I am free in my marriage. I am free as a mother with my kids. I am free in my friendships to be me. I am not always great. I am a pain in the ass many times in many ways. I have no idea why my husband loves me despite all of it. I have no idea how much longer my friends will put up with me. But for the moment, I am free. Thank God Almighty, Free at last!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Catch up? No... no time for that.
So, it's been a while. I have thought about blogging, but knowing my husband would be on the couch waiting for me to join him and having "Driver's Ed" online in the back of my head to complete obviously made me rethink my priorities! Well, Russ left Tuesday and is in NYC until tomorrow, so I finished Driver's Ed last night. I should be preparing my Bible Story for the kids tomorrow, but it's still early. :) I'll still have time for that. I think what happened was I got on here (as usual) for something else, but I decided to play music while I sat here. I don't want it to end!
Music. What IS it about music that captures me and is so delicious that I don't want it to end. It was always a staple in our house growing up. Food- not so much, but music certainly was. Obviously, if you don't have enough food or a car, you don't really have a TV! However, come hell or high water, my mom would never have thought of giving up our record player. As inappropriate as it was, I was in 6th grade listening to Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" for entertainment at night. Mostly, it was just music, though. Eagles' "Take it Easy" was one of the first 45's I remember wanting to put on by myself... and "Margaritaville." BEFORE that, even, we regularly walked to my aunt's house- less than a mile from ours in Pensacola, FL- to spend our Friday nights at the disco that on every other day was her living room. However, it transformed for us once a week into a dance floor. My mom would lift me up, spin me around, dance with me, do the bump on her knees with me while I stood, and laugh. We laughed a lot. We'd make up funny moves, "Put the biscuits in the oven, take them out. Repeat." Much like the lawn sprinkler that came out 15 years later, it was one of those demonstrative dance moves. I loved that about my mom. I loved that she would dance with us. I LOVED that we were allowed and encouraged to sing out loud to any song, anywhere. I hear a song and immediately have a memory attached- or several. I can feel that memory, smell it, hear it, and live it all over again physically. There are literally thousands of songs in my head of which I will never forget the lyrics. In fact, it began at such a young age, our singing, that I seriously cannot listen to a song without singing it. While I run or bike, I am either singing if I'm outside or at the very least mouthing the words- with full expression of emotion, of course. I can't NOT do it. (Nice double negative... I needed it for emphasis.) I love the rise and fall, stop and start, crescendo, and journey through the whole song. Lyrics are awesome, but I think starting so young in life a love affair, that I loved the music more than the lyrics. I didn't understand what they meant; I just knew that I loved the way it sounded and made me feel. I should just stop trying to describe it. There's so much to love.
Anyway, I cannot tell you how comfortable I feel on a dance floor. I feel free, I feel energized, I feel young, and I feel at home. I am in no place in life to go to a dance club. I certainly was more of an alone dancer or group dancer rather than a grinding dancer. (Unless of course, it was the right guy.... most often my husband in college.) :) I just love to move. I move ALL day. I am more comfortable moving than sitting still. I prefer constant motion. I know that I will one day not be able to move as much or will not love it like I do now, so I have to take advantage. Let's experience all we can whenever given the chance. "Want to go skydiving, V?" I did. "Want to drive to another state for no reason?" I did. "Want to move across country?" I did. "Want to go a concert?" I did- about 50 times.... anything from Toad the Wet Sprocket to George Clinton and P Funk All stars to Hootie (of course) to Alice in Chains to Van Halen to U2 to Metallica to Paul McCartney to Jimmy Buffett to Bush to No Doubt to Heart ... it goes on and on. If there was an opportunity, I took it if I had never done it. Why not? God gave us this great big world... let's really appreciate, admire and experience it. I'm not afraid.
Anyway, I know my mom was all about the sponteneity in life and doing whatever and any time. On a Saturday, we decided to leave about 2pm to Gettysburg, PA from our house in central Ohio. We arrived at midnight, woke up, saw the town and museums/stores until about noon and drove back home. I will NEVER forget that. There were no excuses or complaints about the time. It was about the journey. That is a part of MY DNA. Life is about the journey. I could get hung up on what a pain it is to haul stuff to the beach and back home with the extra special addition of sand on EVERYTHING. It's not about that. It's about being there, making a memory, enjoying the beach, and loving our time together in an incredible place- coveted by those landlocked. It's not about how much time we will spend at the park. It's about getting there, talking, discovering, and spending time together. Kids have no idea the difference between 30" and 2 hours at the park most of the time. It's about being together as a family. I love that about them. So, I'm up for anything. I may dread it a little bit at some point, but I get over it quickly if there's a journey involved. I was THRILLED to have the opportunity to drive to Oklahoma this summer. My kids would be in the car 12-14 hours each day for two days coming and two going. I didn't see that as horrid.... and neither did they!
I have no idea how that tangent began, but it's worth a blog in and of itself!
My music stopped, and suddenly my thoughts did, too. I wanted to write down what happened between Russ and I a couple of weeks ago. It was a conversation I'd wanted to happen for MONTHS, but God kept me patient and not pushing for it to happen. It finally happened, and I feel so peaceful inside. I would like to say there was an outcome of tangible sorts... and new path of action. However, there was not. I am being shown to respect my husband in the scripture I read. My kids and I are being fed in other places than church. I will be ok with this. I am not a good Christian because I go to church every week. I am not a bad Christian if I do NOT go to church every week. I will miss the community and praise and worship with others. However, I get that every Tuesday. I get to lead and be in the word with children every Thursday. I may end up helping with Kids' Club. I am OK. I will keep praying! I am happy. I love Russ. He is the head of our house. I will pray for him to be under God's will. I know he is... even if he doesn't. :) I am amazed that I have such a wonderful husband, father and friend. I really enjoy him. I love him insanely. I am happy.
Well, Amy Winehouse has got me wanting a drink! Just teasing, of course! :) I only want water! I am going to study for tomorrow! I can't wait to meet my wonderful new kids!
Music. What IS it about music that captures me and is so delicious that I don't want it to end. It was always a staple in our house growing up. Food- not so much, but music certainly was. Obviously, if you don't have enough food or a car, you don't really have a TV! However, come hell or high water, my mom would never have thought of giving up our record player. As inappropriate as it was, I was in 6th grade listening to Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" for entertainment at night. Mostly, it was just music, though. Eagles' "Take it Easy" was one of the first 45's I remember wanting to put on by myself... and "Margaritaville." BEFORE that, even, we regularly walked to my aunt's house- less than a mile from ours in Pensacola, FL- to spend our Friday nights at the disco that on every other day was her living room. However, it transformed for us once a week into a dance floor. My mom would lift me up, spin me around, dance with me, do the bump on her knees with me while I stood, and laugh. We laughed a lot. We'd make up funny moves, "Put the biscuits in the oven, take them out. Repeat." Much like the lawn sprinkler that came out 15 years later, it was one of those demonstrative dance moves. I loved that about my mom. I loved that she would dance with us. I LOVED that we were allowed and encouraged to sing out loud to any song, anywhere. I hear a song and immediately have a memory attached- or several. I can feel that memory, smell it, hear it, and live it all over again physically. There are literally thousands of songs in my head of which I will never forget the lyrics. In fact, it began at such a young age, our singing, that I seriously cannot listen to a song without singing it. While I run or bike, I am either singing if I'm outside or at the very least mouthing the words- with full expression of emotion, of course. I can't NOT do it. (Nice double negative... I needed it for emphasis.) I love the rise and fall, stop and start, crescendo, and journey through the whole song. Lyrics are awesome, but I think starting so young in life a love affair, that I loved the music more than the lyrics. I didn't understand what they meant; I just knew that I loved the way it sounded and made me feel. I should just stop trying to describe it. There's so much to love.
Anyway, I cannot tell you how comfortable I feel on a dance floor. I feel free, I feel energized, I feel young, and I feel at home. I am in no place in life to go to a dance club. I certainly was more of an alone dancer or group dancer rather than a grinding dancer. (Unless of course, it was the right guy.... most often my husband in college.) :) I just love to move. I move ALL day. I am more comfortable moving than sitting still. I prefer constant motion. I know that I will one day not be able to move as much or will not love it like I do now, so I have to take advantage. Let's experience all we can whenever given the chance. "Want to go skydiving, V?" I did. "Want to drive to another state for no reason?" I did. "Want to move across country?" I did. "Want to go a concert?" I did- about 50 times.... anything from Toad the Wet Sprocket to George Clinton and P Funk All stars to Hootie (of course) to Alice in Chains to Van Halen to U2 to Metallica to Paul McCartney to Jimmy Buffett to Bush to No Doubt to Heart ... it goes on and on. If there was an opportunity, I took it if I had never done it. Why not? God gave us this great big world... let's really appreciate, admire and experience it. I'm not afraid.
Anyway, I know my mom was all about the sponteneity in life and doing whatever and any time. On a Saturday, we decided to leave about 2pm to Gettysburg, PA from our house in central Ohio. We arrived at midnight, woke up, saw the town and museums/stores until about noon and drove back home. I will NEVER forget that. There were no excuses or complaints about the time. It was about the journey. That is a part of MY DNA. Life is about the journey. I could get hung up on what a pain it is to haul stuff to the beach and back home with the extra special addition of sand on EVERYTHING. It's not about that. It's about being there, making a memory, enjoying the beach, and loving our time together in an incredible place- coveted by those landlocked. It's not about how much time we will spend at the park. It's about getting there, talking, discovering, and spending time together. Kids have no idea the difference between 30" and 2 hours at the park most of the time. It's about being together as a family. I love that about them. So, I'm up for anything. I may dread it a little bit at some point, but I get over it quickly if there's a journey involved. I was THRILLED to have the opportunity to drive to Oklahoma this summer. My kids would be in the car 12-14 hours each day for two days coming and two going. I didn't see that as horrid.... and neither did they!
I have no idea how that tangent began, but it's worth a blog in and of itself!
My music stopped, and suddenly my thoughts did, too. I wanted to write down what happened between Russ and I a couple of weeks ago. It was a conversation I'd wanted to happen for MONTHS, but God kept me patient and not pushing for it to happen. It finally happened, and I feel so peaceful inside. I would like to say there was an outcome of tangible sorts... and new path of action. However, there was not. I am being shown to respect my husband in the scripture I read. My kids and I are being fed in other places than church. I will be ok with this. I am not a good Christian because I go to church every week. I am not a bad Christian if I do NOT go to church every week. I will miss the community and praise and worship with others. However, I get that every Tuesday. I get to lead and be in the word with children every Thursday. I may end up helping with Kids' Club. I am OK. I will keep praying! I am happy. I love Russ. He is the head of our house. I will pray for him to be under God's will. I know he is... even if he doesn't. :) I am amazed that I have such a wonderful husband, father and friend. I really enjoy him. I love him insanely. I am happy.
Well, Amy Winehouse has got me wanting a drink! Just teasing, of course! :) I only want water! I am going to study for tomorrow! I can't wait to meet my wonderful new kids!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I love my sister and other things
I love my sister. BOY, do I love my sister. I always have. As I have aged, I have found that I love her more for more things. I love that when I'm with her that I somehow feel complete. I know, Jerry McGuire said, "You complete me" while talking to Renee Zellweger. However, she makes me feel complete because she has been the person who has been there since birth! My mother has, too, but she's my mother. My sister is my friend... we fought when we were young. I wanted to be her, but I hated that she was a boss of me. The love is just different, not necessarily better, but different with a sibling. I have such a respect for it that I often find myself trying to instill a bug in a mother of one's ear that she should have another. I'm not pushy, but I just make it a point to highlight all of the great things that siblings have and share. So, since Russ was gone four days last week, he has had some really great play time with the boys. I weeded out the good strand of my wandering jew and replanted them all the while talking to my sister. I must've talked to her for maybe even over an hour and a half. I'm not sure. It didn't feel long until I removed the phone from my sweaty ear! I love that we can talk and talk. I value that so much. She listens to me, and today she could do it well as she was by herself in the house. The girls are with Dad, and Deb's at work. That precious alone time she could've had doing ANYTHING else, and she chose to spend that long talking to ME. I feel so special. Russ was playing with the boys, I was on the patio, she was alone, and so we had this incredibly rare uninterrupted conversation. Since the girls are older than my boys, I feel like listening to her trials with parenting teens, I get a glimpse of what works and doesn't for her, I learn, I file away, and wisdom is gained. It's awesome. I love my sister. My husband is so great to have realized that's how it is. My sister is very important to me. I will talk to her for at least an hour. I will get giddy, silly and totally hyper after having talked to her. I just will. Our relationship makes me happy.
So, I had a happy afternoon!
I am a catholic. I converted in 2002. Russ has been a catholic since birth. So, we have gone to mass every week we are home. We have gone to mass on vacations in many places. However, in the past year, we have slid away somehow... our church is great. The people love seeing us every week, love our boys, and we are part of a community. However, I know my husband's struggling with something. He has lots of great questions for God. He wonders how so much evil can exist. Why doesn't God just take it away since he has control? How can he allow a parent to do horrible things to a child? How can so much sin exist so rampantly in a country to the point of genocide? Why is this necessary? Why does God allow it? I can totally understand. I struggle with those, too. However, since being in Bible Study, I am learning so much of who God is that I find comfort in his plans being better than mine. I think if you believe in God that you have to believe in a Satan. God's battling for all of us. Is this how the Romans felt? The early Christians. Like, "God, there's still alot of war and evil. Why aren't you here yet? How long does this have to go on? When are you coming to stop it?" So, I feel that way, too.... I just have to believe he has SOME sort of reason for not coming just yet. I also feel like it's getting close. This world is falling apart. I really fear for the world's state when my kids are older.... like I may not even get a chance to be a grandmother. Honestly. I don't stay awake, have anxiety or cry about it. I just feel like there's a real chance the world will kill itself before I'm 60. I have to just make sure my life is in the best order as possible and keep my passion for Christ.
So, Russ was out of town, and my friend, Amy, invited me to her church. I was co-leader of this church's mom's group. I was in bible study. I became a children's leader. I feel like I almost know more people there than my own church! (There are A LOT of gray haired people at our church.) Well, I went a few weeks ago. It was fun to see everyone in their church... to say good morning to so many friends... to sit in their pews and experience what they love. However, my kids were SOOOOO happy when I picked them up. They LOVED it and couldn't stop talking about it. They were pumped. They learned verses. They played. They watched a video. They KNEW stuff and could answer questions. Our church has Children's Liturgy, but they read the gospel message for that Sunday, and I think the teacher just tells them what it means and doesn't really discuss it too much. They only have 20" to do so. And then the kids color a random coloring page. They come back to mass and sit the next 30"- and stand and walk up for communion, etc. :) Well, I have been mentioning to Russ since last year that maybe we need to change churches- catholic churches. He says it'll be the same there, too. However, I don't feel like I can pry right now too much with him about it. I don't want to shut him down. I don't want to build a wall. I feel like God's telling me "In his own time and mine." So, I don't push. But, we talked about another church not only for him but for the kids mostly. They were beginning to push back about going because it's so boring for them. This other church was familiar to them, too, since they took AWANA there. They loved it.
Well, Russ' last few weeks have been incredible stressful at work, and he opted for a mountain biking ride this morning, and so I was going to head back to church with Amy. She called in the morning to say they weren't going; one of the boys was sick. I went alone and sat with other friends. The boys again were SO happy when I picked them up. They could discuss what they had learned. Anthony recalled the verse at bedtime AND the Hebrew phrase for "Be strong and courageous." What the? He wants to do Kid's Club AND AWANA this year. He's my Jesus lover- as is Chas. They LOVE to read the bible every night. (Children's Study Bible) I feel like my desire to change churches from the beginning was for the kids. I feel like I'm being challenged on that now.
I don't believe the Eucharist is the actual body and blood of Christ. I do like the respect and reverence for communion, though. I don't believe Mary was without sin. There are other things about the Catholic faith I do not believe. You see, when I converted, it was all about y relationship with Christ. A year's worth of classes never said, "If you want to be Catholic, you have to believe A, B and C. You can't be Catholic if you disagree on this point." So, I felt like that was OK. I enjoy the Catholic church. I was baptized a Methodist, and I did miss the praise and worship from that time. Our church here has a mass with an awesome choir, guitar, drums, violin, flute, etc. It's great! They will sing contemporary songs in the beginning or after collection or communion. But, it's hit or miss on the relevance of the homily. I think you can nitpick every church. I like our church. I like Amy's church. I was just challenged today. I saw someone with whom I don't respect. That may be harsh. I just don't want my kids with hers. I was challenged. Could you attend another church given all of ITS flaws? I'm not comfortable with people dancing willy nilly in the aisles. It's a distraction. If someone were to speak in tongues, I'd freak out and want to run. Do they really need the attention? To be super special? It's not necessary. We don't understand, so why do they feel we need to hear? I guess I sat there today and really had to ask what I'd be OK with so that my kids were fed. I'm not saying I'm changing churches. I haven't even brought it up to Russ. He would NOT be comfortable there. He would probably squirm. I think it's all very personal to him, and those who experience Christ in such open ways would probably make him uncomfortable to say the least.
I understand on Sunday we are there to meet as a community with God and be fed. I understand we all experience Him in different ways. He all praise and give him glory in different ways. We all feel his presence in different ways that moves us differently. Now, I picked up Russ after church, and we met friends of our from that church for lunch. They had interestly enough been at a Catholic church the night before talking about fostering kids. My friend was telling me that she was praying a lot about God changing her heart because she was feeling judgemental. "I don't like the way they do that." "They should do that better." "That isn't (whatever)." She had to think about the things she DID like... the things she thought they may have been going better... even the little things like holding up the word of God as it was brought down the aisle. So, I have to think about that. What do I like? What is important to me that I don't think I'd want changed? I have lots to ponder! I feel like my kids need to be somewhere else. I feel like that somewhere else may be Amy's church. I feel like I want a verse from God. :)
Anyway... this is going to be a long blog. I've got some introspection to do. I struggled with being judgemental today and yet being so happy for the things I loved. I wish Russ would be with me on this one.
So, I had a happy afternoon!
I am a catholic. I converted in 2002. Russ has been a catholic since birth. So, we have gone to mass every week we are home. We have gone to mass on vacations in many places. However, in the past year, we have slid away somehow... our church is great. The people love seeing us every week, love our boys, and we are part of a community. However, I know my husband's struggling with something. He has lots of great questions for God. He wonders how so much evil can exist. Why doesn't God just take it away since he has control? How can he allow a parent to do horrible things to a child? How can so much sin exist so rampantly in a country to the point of genocide? Why is this necessary? Why does God allow it? I can totally understand. I struggle with those, too. However, since being in Bible Study, I am learning so much of who God is that I find comfort in his plans being better than mine. I think if you believe in God that you have to believe in a Satan. God's battling for all of us. Is this how the Romans felt? The early Christians. Like, "God, there's still alot of war and evil. Why aren't you here yet? How long does this have to go on? When are you coming to stop it?" So, I feel that way, too.... I just have to believe he has SOME sort of reason for not coming just yet. I also feel like it's getting close. This world is falling apart. I really fear for the world's state when my kids are older.... like I may not even get a chance to be a grandmother. Honestly. I don't stay awake, have anxiety or cry about it. I just feel like there's a real chance the world will kill itself before I'm 60. I have to just make sure my life is in the best order as possible and keep my passion for Christ.
So, Russ was out of town, and my friend, Amy, invited me to her church. I was co-leader of this church's mom's group. I was in bible study. I became a children's leader. I feel like I almost know more people there than my own church! (There are A LOT of gray haired people at our church.) Well, I went a few weeks ago. It was fun to see everyone in their church... to say good morning to so many friends... to sit in their pews and experience what they love. However, my kids were SOOOOO happy when I picked them up. They LOVED it and couldn't stop talking about it. They were pumped. They learned verses. They played. They watched a video. They KNEW stuff and could answer questions. Our church has Children's Liturgy, but they read the gospel message for that Sunday, and I think the teacher just tells them what it means and doesn't really discuss it too much. They only have 20" to do so. And then the kids color a random coloring page. They come back to mass and sit the next 30"- and stand and walk up for communion, etc. :) Well, I have been mentioning to Russ since last year that maybe we need to change churches- catholic churches. He says it'll be the same there, too. However, I don't feel like I can pry right now too much with him about it. I don't want to shut him down. I don't want to build a wall. I feel like God's telling me "In his own time and mine." So, I don't push. But, we talked about another church not only for him but for the kids mostly. They were beginning to push back about going because it's so boring for them. This other church was familiar to them, too, since they took AWANA there. They loved it.
Well, Russ' last few weeks have been incredible stressful at work, and he opted for a mountain biking ride this morning, and so I was going to head back to church with Amy. She called in the morning to say they weren't going; one of the boys was sick. I went alone and sat with other friends. The boys again were SO happy when I picked them up. They could discuss what they had learned. Anthony recalled the verse at bedtime AND the Hebrew phrase for "Be strong and courageous." What the? He wants to do Kid's Club AND AWANA this year. He's my Jesus lover- as is Chas. They LOVE to read the bible every night. (Children's Study Bible) I feel like my desire to change churches from the beginning was for the kids. I feel like I'm being challenged on that now.
I don't believe the Eucharist is the actual body and blood of Christ. I do like the respect and reverence for communion, though. I don't believe Mary was without sin. There are other things about the Catholic faith I do not believe. You see, when I converted, it was all about y relationship with Christ. A year's worth of classes never said, "If you want to be Catholic, you have to believe A, B and C. You can't be Catholic if you disagree on this point." So, I felt like that was OK. I enjoy the Catholic church. I was baptized a Methodist, and I did miss the praise and worship from that time. Our church here has a mass with an awesome choir, guitar, drums, violin, flute, etc. It's great! They will sing contemporary songs in the beginning or after collection or communion. But, it's hit or miss on the relevance of the homily. I think you can nitpick every church. I like our church. I like Amy's church. I was just challenged today. I saw someone with whom I don't respect. That may be harsh. I just don't want my kids with hers. I was challenged. Could you attend another church given all of ITS flaws? I'm not comfortable with people dancing willy nilly in the aisles. It's a distraction. If someone were to speak in tongues, I'd freak out and want to run. Do they really need the attention? To be super special? It's not necessary. We don't understand, so why do they feel we need to hear? I guess I sat there today and really had to ask what I'd be OK with so that my kids were fed. I'm not saying I'm changing churches. I haven't even brought it up to Russ. He would NOT be comfortable there. He would probably squirm. I think it's all very personal to him, and those who experience Christ in such open ways would probably make him uncomfortable to say the least.
I understand on Sunday we are there to meet as a community with God and be fed. I understand we all experience Him in different ways. He all praise and give him glory in different ways. We all feel his presence in different ways that moves us differently. Now, I picked up Russ after church, and we met friends of our from that church for lunch. They had interestly enough been at a Catholic church the night before talking about fostering kids. My friend was telling me that she was praying a lot about God changing her heart because she was feeling judgemental. "I don't like the way they do that." "They should do that better." "That isn't (whatever)." She had to think about the things she DID like... the things she thought they may have been going better... even the little things like holding up the word of God as it was brought down the aisle. So, I have to think about that. What do I like? What is important to me that I don't think I'd want changed? I have lots to ponder! I feel like my kids need to be somewhere else. I feel like that somewhere else may be Amy's church. I feel like I want a verse from God. :)
Anyway... this is going to be a long blog. I've got some introspection to do. I struggled with being judgemental today and yet being so happy for the things I loved. I wish Russ would be with me on this one.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I am forever learning about my kids...
An easy one first. Starks loves socks. I have learned this about him just in the last week. I found a pair of socks that have little reindeer heads on the ankles that I had put away due a hole in the toe. Well, I mended the toe, and now they fit Starks. He LOVED them (just as Chas had when they were his... in fact, Chas stretched them over his feet last week claiming they still fit!), and he has since emptied his drawer of all socks every day or so. Today he AND his friends donned socks on their feet and hands along with the usual swords, light sabers, etc. It was very cute. I may actually include a picture of all three, but I will certainly include this picture of Starks with 6 PAIRS of socks on his feet... 12 socks in all. :) I have also learned each day this week that he is just a little sad that his brothers are not here all day. He was stroking Anthony's head when we picked him up yesterday from school, and we had to go back to Chas' class this morning so that he could give Chas a hug. He has such a loving heart.
I have learned this summer that Chas leans more toward an introvert, though he's very close to being in between being an extrovert and introvert. What moves him toward one side is that he needs to retreat by himself to refuel. HOWEVER, after reading books to him for over an hour, I learned that he can refuel with someone, as long as that someone is not asking anything of him- other than a listening ear. He kept bringing me book after book to read, and also being a child whose main love language is quality time, it serves a dual purpose. How easy is THAT fix? It was a very nice discovery today. :) I love that boy, and the more I love him, the more he wants of me. Not toys. Not materials. Just me. Oh, Chas... let's always keep it easy like that.
I feel like I should say that I discovered something profound about Anthony. I did find out just how much Katie B. makes him happy. She is not only in his class this year, but they are on the same "team" in class. :) The first day of school, he recruited Chas to spy on her with him at recess. Oh my. So, I brought it up today to a friend of mine- whose daughter I adore- at school, and she said something to the effect of "Yeah... he does have a thing for her." She added that Katie's a great girl- nice, pretty, smart, etc. So, I guess I discovered that he likes her enough that other moms know. Hmmm.... I like her dad (I don't know her mom.), so I may have to bring it up to him tomorrow to make sure he's OK with it, too. Has she said anything? Does it bother her? You know, those kinds of questions. What a sweetheart, my Anthony is. He still initiates hugs in the morning at drop off. I think maybe because he is a year younger than his classmates that those things don't yet bother him. I just hope he's not teased at some point. Until then, I love it!
Well, I should relax. I have had a huge headache today. I wonder if it's from my bike ride and holding my head in that position of bending over with my torso and looking up with my neck/head for that long. I finally broke down and took medicine, so I hope that helps. Tomorrow Russ comes home! :) Yea!!! I am ready. I am ready to have a body here next to me at night. I miss always just feeling safe when he's here. I know he'll protect us. I miss big guy hugs. What a great husband, children and life I have!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Various things about this week
Let's start by saying Chas LOVES being in 1st grade. I don't think he thought about how it would feel to not be the youngest in school anymore. However, his highlights of 1st grade are having lunch AND 2 snacks, having THREE recesses, and getting to play with Anthony during recess! Anthony's highlights are having Katie B in his class- and on his "team" made up of the back row, playing with Chas, and his teacher. She is truly a wonderful teacher, and I, too, am very pleased. Starks is a little confused about why school doesn't mean picking up Chas for lunch, but he'll get used to it, I'm sure. Chas is doing well. He has several friends in his class from last year, and he is happy. Thus, I, too, am happy.
So, I remember the movie "Harry and the Hendersons" from when I was a kid. I liked it, and I remembered it being pretty benign. When I saw it on a kids movie channel, I taped it on the DVR. The first time the kids watched it, they loved it! They loved Harry, the Bigfoot. Starks especially loved Harry. When they watched it, I was doing various other things and wasn't paying attention. However, the second time they watched it, I was on the couch with them. There were many curse words (Hell and Shit... no horribly vile ones) throughout the movie. Wow.... but they had already seen it twice, and would they really get it? So, I let them watch it many more times seeing as they didn't blink when they heard them. Russ and I don't curse (well, Russ probably does with the guys on a bike ride), and I'm sure they've never heard those words from us. Why would they recognize them as anything other than another adjective? We've never had any of the boys say a curse word before since they don't hear them... until today. And, it was Starks, my 3 year old! He said this like 4 linen part of that movie about two months ago, and it caught me off guard! It was about "I don't care how big, and ugly and smelly you are. You can't go around eating other people's corsages!" It was so cute to hear that from him. Today's line was not as cute. So, I was in the garage getting my gear ready for tomorrow's bike ride. I walk in and hear, "Holy Shit... sorry, Dad" as he's playing with two dinosaurs on the couch. He has no idea what that means. He has only heard the little boy, Eddie, in that movie say it to his father. I was taken aback and asked Anthony what he said- thinking I hadn't heard it correctly. Anthony repeated it exactly as Starks had said. I had then made my 7 year old curse. I told them that it was a not a nice thing to say and that I didn't want to hear it again... then moved on making my point clear but not too big of a deal. Wow. Bad parenting judgement with "Harry and the Hendersons." Per Russ' request, the movie is now deleted.
I have really had an awesome week this first week of school. Granted, tomorrow is only day three. But, I feel better about this year than I did last. We'll see how it pans out, but I really feel like I'm going to be happier about their education. Now, I just have to hold out on signing up for things. My first impulse is to sing up for things I want the kids to have. I can't complain if I'm not willing to work on the solution. So, I want to make sure they have an Art Vista person, Cornerstone person, etc. I'll just wait and see what's needed first. I am only commited to 3rd grade class rep thus far. :) Speaking of which, I am co-rep with another mom/friend, Jennifer. I haven't gotten to talk to her yet. I loved that part of yesterday and today- catching up with all of my school mom friends. It really made me happy to see all of those familiar faces this week. I saw Jennifer's today, but I didn't get to talk to her. It's like I'm starting school, too!
Well, tonight's trash night, Russ in in Colorado, and I am always finding myself giving this unease up to God at night. I think I'll go to bed and sit with Him for a little bit!
So, I remember the movie "Harry and the Hendersons" from when I was a kid. I liked it, and I remembered it being pretty benign. When I saw it on a kids movie channel, I taped it on the DVR. The first time the kids watched it, they loved it! They loved Harry, the Bigfoot. Starks especially loved Harry. When they watched it, I was doing various other things and wasn't paying attention. However, the second time they watched it, I was on the couch with them. There were many curse words (Hell and Shit... no horribly vile ones) throughout the movie. Wow.... but they had already seen it twice, and would they really get it? So, I let them watch it many more times seeing as they didn't blink when they heard them. Russ and I don't curse (well, Russ probably does with the guys on a bike ride), and I'm sure they've never heard those words from us. Why would they recognize them as anything other than another adjective? We've never had any of the boys say a curse word before since they don't hear them... until today. And, it was Starks, my 3 year old! He said this like 4 linen part of that movie about two months ago, and it caught me off guard! It was about "I don't care how big, and ugly and smelly you are. You can't go around eating other people's corsages!" It was so cute to hear that from him. Today's line was not as cute. So, I was in the garage getting my gear ready for tomorrow's bike ride. I walk in and hear, "Holy Shit... sorry, Dad" as he's playing with two dinosaurs on the couch. He has no idea what that means. He has only heard the little boy, Eddie, in that movie say it to his father. I was taken aback and asked Anthony what he said- thinking I hadn't heard it correctly. Anthony repeated it exactly as Starks had said. I had then made my 7 year old curse. I told them that it was a not a nice thing to say and that I didn't want to hear it again... then moved on making my point clear but not too big of a deal. Wow. Bad parenting judgement with "Harry and the Hendersons." Per Russ' request, the movie is now deleted.
I have really had an awesome week this first week of school. Granted, tomorrow is only day three. But, I feel better about this year than I did last. We'll see how it pans out, but I really feel like I'm going to be happier about their education. Now, I just have to hold out on signing up for things. My first impulse is to sing up for things I want the kids to have. I can't complain if I'm not willing to work on the solution. So, I want to make sure they have an Art Vista person, Cornerstone person, etc. I'll just wait and see what's needed first. I am only commited to 3rd grade class rep thus far. :) Speaking of which, I am co-rep with another mom/friend, Jennifer. I haven't gotten to talk to her yet. I loved that part of yesterday and today- catching up with all of my school mom friends. It really made me happy to see all of those familiar faces this week. I saw Jennifer's today, but I didn't get to talk to her. It's like I'm starting school, too!
Well, tonight's trash night, Russ in in Colorado, and I am always finding myself giving this unease up to God at night. I think I'll go to bed and sit with Him for a little bit!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Hindsight
Wow. Today God was giving me a surplus of opportunities to exercise patience. At times, I recognized them and became flexible. Other times I did not at all appreciate them, and I wondered when he'd stop. What lesson was I needing to learn? Well, I think he wanted me to think about WHY. I couldn't do that well as I was going about my day. However, I was given this precious time with Chas tonight, and it hit me.
Chas was the baby who slept on my chest while I slept on my back. This was EVERY night of his life until he was about 5-6 months old. Then, one night he just wanted his own bed. It was heartbreaking, but I still loved his calling me in the middle of the night to eat. :) Anthony preferred Daddy from the start. He would eat and want to get away. Then Chas was born, and he wanted ME! I am glad that I had no idea how that felt when Anthony was born. It feels SO good that I would've been hurt otherwise in his choosing Daddy. Chas wanted me... I can't forget that. I had, actually, until my sister reminded me. Then it hit me why he still needs me more. Why had I forgotten? That's another blog... I think his will maybe made me pull away? He's always been the alpha male of my boys. Even when he was an infant, toddler and preschooler, he asserted his will as often as possible, and he was STRONG willed. We joke that we should've called him William Charles instead of Charles William! I know this personality won't change. It's just who he is. I love him for it, but it can be a difficult thing. He wants to be in charge, but because he's the second born, that's not as easy as he would like for it to be. I can't imagine how that struggle would get to you day after day.
So, Chas wants to be enveloped in love, yet he wants to pull away and want to not need as much as he does. I have to initiate it more so he can believe it's all me and not as much as his wanting it. But he does want it. So, it hurt today when he told me that he couldn't tell me something. We've been talking about it being the last week before school, and today he was just awful to everyone! He was mean, nitpicking, aggravating, instigating, and saying mean things to each of us. I was trying to figure out if he was tired... did he need some time alone to refuel... I just couldn't change him. I could see that he was not happy with who he was being, but I couldn't save him from himself.
- Thought break-
Last week when Daddy wasn't home, we walked to a park about 9 blocks from the house. On the way back, they were whipping sticks through to air to make them whistle. That reminded me of having to pick a "hickory stick" for my spankings, and so I told them about it. Chas kept wanting to hear more and more. I would tell him about why I was spanked, how I felt, the worst time- and it wasn't even me getting it, and with what I was spanked at various times. I have no idea why it was so fascinating. I can count on one hand how many times I spanked him in the last probably 3 years. I found that my mother was always angry, so I try very hard not to do it when I'm angry (though I can understand why initially it probably made her feel better). Because I try not to when I'm angry, I rarely do... when you're calm, there are a lot more options. Today, I spanked Chas.
- Back to today-
So, Chas kept pushing and pushing today. The limits of saying "no" and not doing what I asked was the last one. It was time to take a bath, and he kept saying, "No," like a 2 year old. He was moving toward and up the stairs, but he was just being so blatantly defiant. Then, when he walked into his room to get his towel, he opened the door to slam it against the wall. (deep breath) So, I spanked him, closed his door, and moved on with the bath routine. After about 15 minutes, I walked to his room and asked him to come take a bath. I walked with him to the laundry room to drop off his clothes and then- naked and vulnerable- I made him sit with me to talk. I first told him I loved him, and he latched onto me like a crab. It ended up with us lying on the floor, snuggling and talking. I asked him about school, and he told me he was scared to go to 1st grade. When I asked him why, he told me "I can't tell you." That is the WORST thing to hear from an almost 6 year old. It's awful because if he can't talk to me now, will he be able to when he's 16? So, I pried, restated, and kept trying to come up with reasons for him. He finally told me, while on the verge of tears, that he is scared of having to make new friends. I think I sighed with relief. I praised him, reiterated who he was and how great he is, and I just held him, myself feeling like he was that infant again. I told him why it's important that he talk to me about things. I told him that it usually feels so much better to let it out, have someone else know, that maybe they can help or just listen, but most importantly, my knowing now gave me something specific to bring to God. I told him that I pray for him, but I now I can pray more specifically.
His mood totally changed for the rest of the night. He was obedient. He was laughing and giggling in bed. He was REALLY cuddly and loving. Then, as we ended our prayers, he asked if I had prayed for him yet. I told him that I would usually do it later, but I could pray right then if he wanted. He said he wanted me to pray right now. I asked if he wanted me to pray in my head (since he didn't want anyone else to know) or to pray out loud. He wanted me to pray out loud. Wow. What an awesome opportunity to speak truths out loud for everyone to hear and to God about God, Chas and how great they are! I recognize that this day ended so amazingly. I recognize that my patience trials were trying to get me to think about why they kept coming. I recognize that because I didn't realize then, I got this wonderful time, conversation and prayer with Chas. I am writing this now so that I can have it down (not on paper, but it'll do) in writing that Chas deals with stress by taking it out on everyone else. He will keep it inside until it's too much to handle by himself- or until someone calls him out on his behavior enough. Chas handles stress like Russ used to before his high blood pressure.
I love him so much. I ask that if by some chance someone else is reading this that they would just shoot up a quick prayer for him. His strength will help him in wondrous ways as he grows up. I just hope it doesn't build any walls too high for me to sit on or get over.
I think I feel just as set free from all of this as he does. What a day. Thank you, God, for carrying us through and guiding us to the end. I praise you!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
My cell phone has passed away
(Sigh) I start with a sigh because it just feels good to let out the bad air and make space for the good. I have had an archaic Nokia phone for a while now. I didn't need bells and whistles; I just needed a phone. Then we had to go hands-free in Cali, and I actually had to go to the store and buy an adapter for the old phone to plug in a headset. The letters are fading from texting- which I mostly do with only one friend, and they are getting a little temperamental. I try to type an "a", and it quits and loads another random screen. SO, today we were at Gilroy Gardens, and Chas said, "I don't like this place anymore." Now, he's tired, it's hot, and I understand feeling that way to an extent, but the boy had just finished ice cream... it's not all that bad! When asked why, he replied, "Because Daddy's not here." Ahhhhh. I get it. So, we called Daddy- at a wedding reception in Philly- to talk. He talked through the parking lot, into the van, and a little down the road before reception is sketchy in the hills. When the call was dropped, Chas placed my phone in the compartment on his side of the van- by his seat. I didn't' think of asking for my phone until we had arrived home. (We had stopped at Petroglyph to get pieces they had painted, and Starbucks to get my "After 2pm iced grande drink for only $2" that I feel I need to take advantage of for some reason.) When I looked in to locate the phone, I remembered that yesterday Anthony announced from the back seat that Chas had poured out the water from his water bottle and "made a pool." So, floating in the pool- already drowned- today was my phone. Water had infiltrated it's screen. It had no life. I grinned.
I had been talking/joking about killing my phone for months now. Not that I need a fancy phone... but I'd LIKE one that just didn't look like a rectangle. No games to entertain the kids when in a situation they find hard to tolerate. I don't know what it is. I just didn't like the phone. So, this was totally unsolicited by me to destroy the phone. It was just that it was the phone's time to die. I told Russ, and he said instantly, "Go get an iphone." Now, that's cool at first thought. Then I think about how many times Starks reaches for the phone and drops it. Or I drop it. It's a lot of responsibility. When I knew my phone was the cheapest before, I felt more lax. It didn't require much thought. So, I'm not sure about the iphone. Russ said again tonight to go to the store tomorrow. I'll have to get the entire lowdown. We'll see... the bummer is not only that the phone is dead but that I lost ALL of my contacts. I'm sure the water made them irretrievable.
Oh, I tell Chas to get a towel and clean up the water. When I went out later to get something from the van, the towel was stuffed in there soaking the water with the bottle empty and upside down in the compartment still. :) I failed to follow up.
BTW, my sister was lovely in giving me feedback after staying a weekend with my boys. She provided insight into Chas- the one I worry the most about. I have put some things into action and tried to recognize opportunities to allow for alone time before he is too tired to self control, and it has been wonderful. And I think he's also recognizing that he needs time and taking it for himself- without instruction. It can be while we're still out and about, but he figures a way to step out of it for a while. What answered prayer that is. Thank you, Lord.
I think that's it... Russ was so cute tonight trying to get these programs installed on this computer from his in Philly so we could chat via video. It's difficult to go to a wedding alone. You are on the outskirts without a partner... and most everyone else did have someone with them. After catching up with family, there's nothing left to really do... Russ wouldn't dance without me there. I don't think guys are apt to go on the dance floor and form a group like women! :) (An aside, at our 6th grade dance before "graduating" to junior high, I was the first person on the dance floor, alone, until others joined me. Then, everyone began to come out and dance. I LOVE to dance.) Anyway, I feel sad for him. I'll cheer him up on Monday! :)
That's it... I didn't mention Anthony. Wow. He's 7 1/2 years old, and he still comes over to snuggle. I love that. I see at times a tiny part of him looking as if maybe he shouldn't be on my lap, but I love that it's tiny still. I want him to always hug and kiss me! He's such a nurturer that I'm hoping he won't push me away. And, I'm still bigger and stronger! I just love when he comes to hold my hand. He's such a wonderful little man. I tickled him tonight on the floor after playing dodgeball (THEY love dodgeball... I have no idea why... I think it's the adrenaline rush they feel while trying to run faster and avoid me hitting them. We use a soft ball, but still.). He was giggling so hard his laughs were whispers! I didn't want to stop. Then Chas wanted some... and Starks. It's such an easy action for a parent that rewards so greatly both you and them. What sounds better than a child laughing? I think if I had to choose in some insane world, I'd choose to lose my sight over my hearing. I'd miss hearing laughter. I'd go crazy without music. It would be very lonely to live in silence. It can get on my nerves to hear such noise while trapped in a van, but I love it all the same. I was blessed by God to have these kids, and I am acutely aware that there are women who will never have to wonder if they go along with the noisy chaos or order it's demise. I hope to choose to keep it more often than stopping it. It'll pass one day, but until then, I'll relish these little people keeping me company all day and making me smile. (I like driving without music just to hear what they are talking about, pretending, or singing on their own.)
I am off to bed. I stayed up until after midnight last night because I could. I think I'll decide to get some quiet time and more sleep tonight!
I had been talking/joking about killing my phone for months now. Not that I need a fancy phone... but I'd LIKE one that just didn't look like a rectangle. No games to entertain the kids when in a situation they find hard to tolerate. I don't know what it is. I just didn't like the phone. So, this was totally unsolicited by me to destroy the phone. It was just that it was the phone's time to die. I told Russ, and he said instantly, "Go get an iphone." Now, that's cool at first thought. Then I think about how many times Starks reaches for the phone and drops it. Or I drop it. It's a lot of responsibility. When I knew my phone was the cheapest before, I felt more lax. It didn't require much thought. So, I'm not sure about the iphone. Russ said again tonight to go to the store tomorrow. I'll have to get the entire lowdown. We'll see... the bummer is not only that the phone is dead but that I lost ALL of my contacts. I'm sure the water made them irretrievable.
Oh, I tell Chas to get a towel and clean up the water. When I went out later to get something from the van, the towel was stuffed in there soaking the water with the bottle empty and upside down in the compartment still. :) I failed to follow up.
BTW, my sister was lovely in giving me feedback after staying a weekend with my boys. She provided insight into Chas- the one I worry the most about. I have put some things into action and tried to recognize opportunities to allow for alone time before he is too tired to self control, and it has been wonderful. And I think he's also recognizing that he needs time and taking it for himself- without instruction. It can be while we're still out and about, but he figures a way to step out of it for a while. What answered prayer that is. Thank you, Lord.
I think that's it... Russ was so cute tonight trying to get these programs installed on this computer from his in Philly so we could chat via video. It's difficult to go to a wedding alone. You are on the outskirts without a partner... and most everyone else did have someone with them. After catching up with family, there's nothing left to really do... Russ wouldn't dance without me there. I don't think guys are apt to go on the dance floor and form a group like women! :) (An aside, at our 6th grade dance before "graduating" to junior high, I was the first person on the dance floor, alone, until others joined me. Then, everyone began to come out and dance. I LOVE to dance.) Anyway, I feel sad for him. I'll cheer him up on Monday! :)
That's it... I didn't mention Anthony. Wow. He's 7 1/2 years old, and he still comes over to snuggle. I love that. I see at times a tiny part of him looking as if maybe he shouldn't be on my lap, but I love that it's tiny still. I want him to always hug and kiss me! He's such a nurturer that I'm hoping he won't push me away. And, I'm still bigger and stronger! I just love when he comes to hold my hand. He's such a wonderful little man. I tickled him tonight on the floor after playing dodgeball (THEY love dodgeball... I have no idea why... I think it's the adrenaline rush they feel while trying to run faster and avoid me hitting them. We use a soft ball, but still.). He was giggling so hard his laughs were whispers! I didn't want to stop. Then Chas wanted some... and Starks. It's such an easy action for a parent that rewards so greatly both you and them. What sounds better than a child laughing? I think if I had to choose in some insane world, I'd choose to lose my sight over my hearing. I'd miss hearing laughter. I'd go crazy without music. It would be very lonely to live in silence. It can get on my nerves to hear such noise while trapped in a van, but I love it all the same. I was blessed by God to have these kids, and I am acutely aware that there are women who will never have to wonder if they go along with the noisy chaos or order it's demise. I hope to choose to keep it more often than stopping it. It'll pass one day, but until then, I'll relish these little people keeping me company all day and making me smile. (I like driving without music just to hear what they are talking about, pretending, or singing on their own.)
I am off to bed. I stayed up until after midnight last night because I could. I think I'll decide to get some quiet time and more sleep tonight!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
So blessed!
So, my husband is leaving for a "check the box" wedding tomorrow in Philly. He's not really happy about leaving our family here and missing out on our time this weekend. However, kids were not invited to either the wedding or reception, and we were not going to pay $1500 to fly the kids out for them to not really see any family. (I have issues... oh, I have issues...)
ANYWAY, the post is about being blessed.
We came home from an incredible day at the beach today. There was some talk early on that the day could be cloudy, cold, etc. But the gremlins stayed at bay, and the sun shone brightly and warmly! The kids were very happy playing with their friends, and the adults were allowed loads of time to chat, too. Needless to say, the kids were tired when we arrived home. I had to wake up the little guy for dinner- who then was tired 30 minutes later. I'm not even sure he ate dinner as we quickly hit the shower and headed to bed. The three of them sleep in one big bed- per their request, so during bedtime, there are 5 of us in Anthony's bed (including Russ and I until prayers and such). Tonight Starks was sandwiched between Russ and I, and knowing Russ is already missing time away this weekend, he was just lying beside Starks SO gently stroking his face. Starks was sleepy and on the verge of dreamland but soaking in every touch. The scene was just so serene and precious that I stared trying to burn it into my memory. How many Dads do that? How many Dads really get it that these little children are such gifts and grow so quickly? How blessed am I that my husband gets it!?
That's it. I love Russ. Our kids love Russ. And he loves us back! :)
ANYWAY, the post is about being blessed.
We came home from an incredible day at the beach today. There was some talk early on that the day could be cloudy, cold, etc. But the gremlins stayed at bay, and the sun shone brightly and warmly! The kids were very happy playing with their friends, and the adults were allowed loads of time to chat, too. Needless to say, the kids were tired when we arrived home. I had to wake up the little guy for dinner- who then was tired 30 minutes later. I'm not even sure he ate dinner as we quickly hit the shower and headed to bed. The three of them sleep in one big bed- per their request, so during bedtime, there are 5 of us in Anthony's bed (including Russ and I until prayers and such). Tonight Starks was sandwiched between Russ and I, and knowing Russ is already missing time away this weekend, he was just lying beside Starks SO gently stroking his face. Starks was sleepy and on the verge of dreamland but soaking in every touch. The scene was just so serene and precious that I stared trying to burn it into my memory. How many Dads do that? How many Dads really get it that these little children are such gifts and grow so quickly? How blessed am I that my husband gets it!?
That's it. I love Russ. Our kids love Russ. And he loves us back! :)
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
OMGOODNESS!!! Can you believe it?
I am posting. Let me say that again... I am posting, people! (Like there are any actually reading this, but I like to say people.)
Hello.
My name is Verlana.
It has been 8 months since my last post.
(Crowd: Hello, Verlana...)
Yep. I have not taken the time to write on here, but helping Michelle last night made me remember how much fun it was to actually get it all out. I LOVE to talk. I am the extreme extrovert who needs and thoroughly enjoys being around people all of the time. I do not need much time to retreat and be alone. I'd prefer to be "alone" around people- ie. watching TV, doing something next to my husband while he does something like reading his mountain biking magazines... or grocery shopping alone, surrounded by people not related to me. I have had a diary off and on since 8th grade. There are several in college I have toyed with throwing away. I am so far from that person, and I can't believe I thought I was responsible and mature! However, I have to remember that it was that very person that made me into who I am today. I just pray that in the event of my death that my sister rushes to the house and nabs them. I do NOT want my boys reading them! :) Ok, that sounded very juvenile, but it's true. I thank God that my husband knew me in college and that we were great friends... he knew the good, the bad and the ugly V. (He loves Clint Eastwood western movies.)
What has been up, you ask, since November 2007? Nothing. Nothing at all.
Seriously, I don't even know where to begin. Maybe that's why I haven't begun in so long! I have these incredibly, lovely friends who listen to my rants and ramblings that I haven't really had much pent up inside. You can always check out the family blog- www.laraway.com - to see pictures and read a story about the family. But me? Well, I am so good. I am so happy. I am so at peace. I am so in love with my family. I want to eat my littlest son, Starks. I want to wrap my arms around Chas and hold him in my lap. I want to hold Anthony and relish in the fact that he doesn't yet push me away. And, I'm sure you know what I want to do to my husband. ;) Without him, I'd have none of the boys! I just think, "How did I get here?" How is it that there is so much misery in the world, yet I live this incredible life? I get to stay home with my kids. I get to play every day. I get to soak in the sun, the energy and the love all day. Who is more blessed?
I digress. Well, last year I had begun being a Children's Ministry leader, and I cannot even begin to describe how fed I was in Leaders. Being a women's group leader or children's leader, we had our own study on Tueday before leading on Thursday. Wow! I feel like I grew leaps and bounds in my understanding and relationship with God. I loved it. I ate it up! Everything that was said, shared and discussed was consumed by me. Again, how is it that I am able to be fed like this? Who am I?
So, I am excited to begin Leaders again and study. I almost feel guilty that I may be getting more out of it than I am putting into it. Putting into it feels so easy... like it's not a burden or anything. Anyway, it should be bittersweet to have my best friend not there. I am glad that she is going somewhere else, but I will certainly miss her every Tuesday. Maybe we'll still get a Starbucks together? Oh, the routines we so easily slip into!
My boys will be in full days of school this year, and I am already mourning. I am grieving the time I won't have with Chas already. I have had to keep putting it aside for God to handle and not dwell on it just yet. Then I think about it and get sad again. I am not at all the worrying type, but I am one to prepares... I prepare for almost all scenarios. Watch out camping... bee sting, open fracture, sucking chest wound- I've got the supplies! I think A LOT and am apt to jump into the future sometimes. I'm working on it being more like a hopscotch jump in that I don't linger but move on and come back to reality. With God's help, I am changing. All of that to say I will miss Chas. I will likely also enjoy the time I am afforded from 8-2! Not having to be at school at 12 and again at 2 will be nice. Maybe there's a part of me that would feel guilty if I let myself feel too happy about that. Hmm...
I have SO enjoyed our summer. It feels like I was rejuvenated this summer. The focus came back to family. We have done some very wonderful things, and we have had days of doing very little! It has all been good. In doing so much together, we have grown to know each other a little deeper and reconnected in an awesome way. I have great kids. My friend, Michelle, wrote about kids being kids and not adults. I also believe that kids will act with whatever personality God gave them. We can encourage them to behave in a way more acceptable in society and encourage them to change a negative behavior, but I was reminded that it wasn't until Russ was diagnosed with high blood pressure that he realized he needed to change his behavior to stress. It wasn't ok any more to throw the screwdriver in frustration when something wasn't fitting together, or to clench his fists and teeth like the Hulk when angry about something spilling or breaking... so, I can't expect my son who was created with the very same personality to change it as age 5 when it wasn't until age 32 for my husband! Now, again, I will continue to encourage him to choose the right reaction. I can give him the words. I can try to help him manage triggers. But, kids are who they are. Now, if my son's behavior was endangering others or affecting his esteem or whatever, then we'd be in counseling because I'm not sure what to do then! :) I love who my kids are becoming. I in no way want to rush time, but I think it's just going to keep getting better (actually I have to believe it) as they grow. I sometimes get glimpses in the boys of them at age 18. I can picture them in a certiain pose or stance and see them in that same position at 18. I love it and hate it.
Is it sad that I can't even just write about myself? It always comes back to my boys or our family. That is who I am mostly right now... a Mom. I love that title and feel very blessed to have been given the opportunity to claim it. It's all good.
Well, I could totally keep rambling- thus the title of my blog, but I feel like I should relax. Russ and the boys will be back soon from his soccer game. How cool that he took Anthony and Chas to watch him play tonight? It was an 8:15 game, so we'll see how tomorrow goes. We have no plans. We'll keep it low key and chill... or maybe I'll just make them a coffee! :)
I'm sure no one will really read this, but it's nice to write down. Life is full.
Hello.
My name is Verlana.
It has been 8 months since my last post.
(Crowd: Hello, Verlana...)
Yep. I have not taken the time to write on here, but helping Michelle last night made me remember how much fun it was to actually get it all out. I LOVE to talk. I am the extreme extrovert who needs and thoroughly enjoys being around people all of the time. I do not need much time to retreat and be alone. I'd prefer to be "alone" around people- ie. watching TV, doing something next to my husband while he does something like reading his mountain biking magazines... or grocery shopping alone, surrounded by people not related to me. I have had a diary off and on since 8th grade. There are several in college I have toyed with throwing away. I am so far from that person, and I can't believe I thought I was responsible and mature! However, I have to remember that it was that very person that made me into who I am today. I just pray that in the event of my death that my sister rushes to the house and nabs them. I do NOT want my boys reading them! :) Ok, that sounded very juvenile, but it's true. I thank God that my husband knew me in college and that we were great friends... he knew the good, the bad and the ugly V. (He loves Clint Eastwood western movies.)
What has been up, you ask, since November 2007? Nothing. Nothing at all.
Seriously, I don't even know where to begin. Maybe that's why I haven't begun in so long! I have these incredibly, lovely friends who listen to my rants and ramblings that I haven't really had much pent up inside. You can always check out the family blog- www.laraway.com - to see pictures and read a story about the family. But me? Well, I am so good. I am so happy. I am so at peace. I am so in love with my family. I want to eat my littlest son, Starks. I want to wrap my arms around Chas and hold him in my lap. I want to hold Anthony and relish in the fact that he doesn't yet push me away. And, I'm sure you know what I want to do to my husband. ;) Without him, I'd have none of the boys! I just think, "How did I get here?" How is it that there is so much misery in the world, yet I live this incredible life? I get to stay home with my kids. I get to play every day. I get to soak in the sun, the energy and the love all day. Who is more blessed?
I digress. Well, last year I had begun being a Children's Ministry leader, and I cannot even begin to describe how fed I was in Leaders. Being a women's group leader or children's leader, we had our own study on Tueday before leading on Thursday. Wow! I feel like I grew leaps and bounds in my understanding and relationship with God. I loved it. I ate it up! Everything that was said, shared and discussed was consumed by me. Again, how is it that I am able to be fed like this? Who am I?
So, I am excited to begin Leaders again and study. I almost feel guilty that I may be getting more out of it than I am putting into it. Putting into it feels so easy... like it's not a burden or anything. Anyway, it should be bittersweet to have my best friend not there. I am glad that she is going somewhere else, but I will certainly miss her every Tuesday. Maybe we'll still get a Starbucks together? Oh, the routines we so easily slip into!
My boys will be in full days of school this year, and I am already mourning. I am grieving the time I won't have with Chas already. I have had to keep putting it aside for God to handle and not dwell on it just yet. Then I think about it and get sad again. I am not at all the worrying type, but I am one to prepares... I prepare for almost all scenarios. Watch out camping... bee sting, open fracture, sucking chest wound- I've got the supplies! I think A LOT and am apt to jump into the future sometimes. I'm working on it being more like a hopscotch jump in that I don't linger but move on and come back to reality. With God's help, I am changing. All of that to say I will miss Chas. I will likely also enjoy the time I am afforded from 8-2! Not having to be at school at 12 and again at 2 will be nice. Maybe there's a part of me that would feel guilty if I let myself feel too happy about that. Hmm...
I have SO enjoyed our summer. It feels like I was rejuvenated this summer. The focus came back to family. We have done some very wonderful things, and we have had days of doing very little! It has all been good. In doing so much together, we have grown to know each other a little deeper and reconnected in an awesome way. I have great kids. My friend, Michelle, wrote about kids being kids and not adults. I also believe that kids will act with whatever personality God gave them. We can encourage them to behave in a way more acceptable in society and encourage them to change a negative behavior, but I was reminded that it wasn't until Russ was diagnosed with high blood pressure that he realized he needed to change his behavior to stress. It wasn't ok any more to throw the screwdriver in frustration when something wasn't fitting together, or to clench his fists and teeth like the Hulk when angry about something spilling or breaking... so, I can't expect my son who was created with the very same personality to change it as age 5 when it wasn't until age 32 for my husband! Now, again, I will continue to encourage him to choose the right reaction. I can give him the words. I can try to help him manage triggers. But, kids are who they are. Now, if my son's behavior was endangering others or affecting his esteem or whatever, then we'd be in counseling because I'm not sure what to do then! :) I love who my kids are becoming. I in no way want to rush time, but I think it's just going to keep getting better (actually I have to believe it) as they grow. I sometimes get glimpses in the boys of them at age 18. I can picture them in a certiain pose or stance and see them in that same position at 18. I love it and hate it.
Is it sad that I can't even just write about myself? It always comes back to my boys or our family. That is who I am mostly right now... a Mom. I love that title and feel very blessed to have been given the opportunity to claim it. It's all good.
Well, I could totally keep rambling- thus the title of my blog, but I feel like I should relax. Russ and the boys will be back soon from his soccer game. How cool that he took Anthony and Chas to watch him play tonight? It was an 8:15 game, so we'll see how tomorrow goes. We have no plans. We'll keep it low key and chill... or maybe I'll just make them a coffee! :)
I'm sure no one will really read this, but it's nice to write down. Life is full.
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