Hindsight

Wow.  Today God was giving me a surplus of opportunities to exercise patience.  At times, I recognized them and became flexible.  Other times I did not at all appreciate them, and I wondered when he'd stop.  What lesson was I needing to learn?  Well, I think he wanted me to think about WHY.  I couldn't do that well as I was going about my day.  However, I was given this precious time with Chas tonight, and it hit me.  

Chas was the baby who slept on my chest while I slept on my back.  This was EVERY night of his life until he was about 5-6 months old.  Then, one night he just wanted his own bed.  It was heartbreaking, but I still loved his calling me in the middle of the night to eat.  :)  Anthony preferred Daddy from the start.  He would eat and want to get away.  Then Chas was born, and he wanted ME!  I am glad that I had no idea how that felt when Anthony was born.  It feels SO good that I would've been hurt otherwise in his choosing Daddy.  Chas wanted me... I can't forget that.  I had, actually, until my sister reminded me.  Then it hit me why he still needs me more.  Why had I forgotten?  That's another blog... I think his will maybe made me pull away?  He's always been the alpha male of my boys.  Even when he was an infant, toddler and preschooler, he asserted his will as often as possible, and he was STRONG willed.  We joke that we should've called him William Charles instead of Charles William!  I know this personality won't change.  It's just who he is.  I love him for it, but it can be a difficult thing.  He wants to be in charge, but because he's the second born, that's not as easy as he would like for it to be.  I can't imagine how that struggle would get to you day after day.

So, Chas wants to be enveloped in love, yet he wants to pull away and want to not need as much as he does.  I have to initiate it more so he can believe it's all me and not as much as his wanting it.  But he does want it.  So, it hurt today when he told me that he couldn't tell me something.  We've been talking about it being the last week before school, and today he was just awful to everyone!  He was mean, nitpicking, aggravating, instigating, and saying mean things to each of us.  I was trying to figure out if he was tired... did he need some time alone to refuel... I just couldn't change him.  I could see that he was not happy with who he was being, but I couldn't save him from himself.  

- Thought break-

Last week when Daddy wasn't home, we walked to a park about 9 blocks from the house.  On the way back, they were whipping sticks through to air to make them whistle.  That reminded me of having to pick a "hickory stick" for my spankings, and so I told them about it.  Chas kept wanting to hear more and more.  I would tell him about why I was spanked, how I felt, the worst time- and it wasn't even me getting it, and with what I was spanked at various times.  I have no idea why it was so fascinating.  I can count on one hand how many times I spanked him in the last probably 3 years.  I found that my mother was always angry, so I try very hard not to do it when I'm angry (though I can understand why initially it probably made her feel better).  Because I try not to when I'm angry, I rarely do... when you're calm, there are a lot more options.  Today, I spanked Chas.

- Back to today-

So, Chas kept pushing and pushing today.  The limits of saying "no" and not doing what I asked was the last one.  It was time to take a bath, and he kept saying, "No," like a 2 year old.  He was moving toward and up the stairs, but he was just being so blatantly defiant.  Then, when he walked into his room to get his towel, he opened the door to slam it against the wall.  (deep breath)  So, I spanked him, closed his door, and moved on with the bath routine.  After about 15 minutes, I walked to his room and asked him to come take a bath.  I walked with him to the laundry room to drop off his clothes and then- naked and vulnerable- I made him sit with me to talk.  I first told him I loved him, and he latched onto me like a crab.  It ended up with us lying on the floor, snuggling and talking.  I asked him about school, and he told me he was scared to go to 1st grade.  When I asked him why, he told me "I can't tell you."  That is the WORST thing to hear from an almost 6 year old.  It's awful because if he can't talk to me now, will he be able to when he's 16?  So, I pried, restated, and kept trying to come up with reasons for him.  He finally told me, while on the verge of tears, that he is scared of having to make new friends.  I think I sighed with relief. I praised him, reiterated who he was and how great he is, and I just held him, myself feeling like he was that infant again.  I told him why it's important that he talk to me about things.  I told him that it usually feels so much better to let it out, have someone else know, that maybe they can help or just listen, but most importantly, my knowing now gave me something specific to bring to God.  I told him that I pray for him, but I now I can pray more specifically.  

His mood totally changed for the rest of the night.  He was obedient.  He was laughing and giggling in bed.  He was REALLY cuddly and loving.  Then, as we ended our prayers, he asked if I had prayed for him yet.  I told him that I would usually do it later, but I could pray right then if he wanted.  He said he wanted me to pray right now.  I asked if he wanted me to pray in my head (since he didn't want anyone else to know) or to pray out loud.  He wanted me to pray out loud.  Wow.  What an awesome opportunity to speak truths out loud for everyone to hear and to God about God, Chas and how great they are!  I recognize that this day ended so amazingly.  I recognize that my patience trials were trying to get me to think about why they kept coming.  I recognize that because I didn't realize then, I got this wonderful time, conversation and prayer with Chas.  I am writing this now so that I can have it down (not on paper, but it'll do) in writing that Chas deals with stress by taking it out on everyone else.  He will keep it inside until it's too much to handle by himself- or until someone calls him out on his behavior enough.  Chas handles stress like Russ used to before his high blood pressure.  

I love him so much.  I ask that if by some chance someone else is reading this that they would just shoot up a quick prayer for him.  His strength will help him in wondrous ways as he grows up.  I just hope it doesn't build any walls too high for me to sit on or get over.  

I think I feel just as set free from all of this as he does.  What a day.  Thank you, God, for carrying us through and guiding us to the end.  I praise you!